life | day 191 in 2010

the days really do seem to just breeze pass through this year.  half of the year is gone and the days have brought with it the inevitable change.  weather-wise, i'm sort of glad the drought is over but is anxious about the rainy season.  no one wants a repeat of ondoy or pepeng for that matter.  i've seen and been to the aftermath and it was heatbreaking.  hopefully, the rest of the year brings a much needed stability in everyone's lives.

work.  what can i say?  it really has been overwhelming.  you fix one problem, out pops the next one.  there's neverending things to do so i still try to take things in stride.  it is at times like these where (jowell's) "steady lang." becomes a lifeline.  it can get exhausting and stressful pretty fast and its not something you can get accustomed to.  social networking sites become more liability than a welcome distraction.  the latter of which something i really need more of these days.  proof that work is becoming stressful is that i'm back on caffeine.  i'm making starbuck's, figaro and coffee bean richer on a daily basis.

i can't wait to get back to some of the things i love most - like traveling.  i haven't done much of that this year - a couple of business trips to singapore and a lovely, relaxing trip to palawan.  to do the traveling thing however, i need to do two things - renew my expiring passport and my US visa.  sydney is going to have to wait, at least until january maybe.  i'm getting bad at planning stuff and its bumming me out.

next month's is my nephew's seventh birthday already.  he's now a living measure of how the years go by.  he's grown-up now and speaks more comfortably in english than in tagalog.  its a good thing he understands at least a bit of the local or else he is for sure going to flunk his pilipino subjects.  the one thing that hasn't changed with him is that he is still an endearingly sweet boy who gives endless hugs and kisses.

life still is a blessing.  still a lot to be thankful for.  its not perfect, but at least its mine.  and i'm living and breathing in it.

life | certainties

i've come to accept that death is the only certainty but knowing that doesn't make it any less difficult to accept.  last week was met with the passing of the in-law of one of my colleagues.  it was a short battle with the big C for him - and i don't know if that was good or bad. good because it meant he didn't have to suffer for long; bad because it meant he couldn't stay and be with his love ones longer.

last friday, i finally managed to spend time with a good friend.  she's been beset with her own family health problems - her mom in particular.  i thought when she shared the good news last time about the biopsy results being negative that her problems would soon be over.  i guess i was sadly mistaken.  i had tears listening to her.  i didn't mind being in a public place.  we tried to laugh to fend off the sadness.  i admire her.  this made her grow up in ways no other could.  its the same change i went through - being saddled with new responsibilities can make or break you.  in our case, we've grown up to accept ours and it feels like it made us better people in the process.  tm's mom is in the hospital and the prognosis isn't so good.  i know that in times like these, prayers do help.

i fear death.  not for myself because i think i've come to terms that we can go at anytime.  its my fear of losing any of the people i love that i can't deal with.  i pray everyday for their safety and for keeping us healthy among others.  i hope that that is good enough.

life | day 33 - losers & winners

people seem to be busy these days, me included.  there hasn't really been much time to go out the past couple of weeks except for two scheduled instances.  first when birthday boy hector managed to be in manila on the 25th to also visit our target recipients for share-a-smile year 3.  it was great to see hector again.  and to get to spend time with the kids is always a truly amazing experience.  we managed for the gang to squeeze in some downtime last saturday and like all instances of our get togethers, we had so much fun we forgot it was already 430am before we decided to call it a night (or day).  rating : loser

maybe there really is a time wherein you've given too much of yourself already.  that after some time, whatever you do seem meaningless.  i really thought you were different but i guess i was wrong.  big brother's right, it really is time to pack and move on.  rating : loser

while work still seem like a mountain of burden, i really think we've managed to move forward.  that things are starting to shape up and people are more open to changes.  there is still a lot of things to do and a lot more challenges coming.  work has been taxing lately but it remains pretty much interesting to-date.  rating :  winner

i'm excited much for the upcoming event of a good friend mj.  i think we've done a great job promoting it the past 2 1/2 weeks and we're nearing our target number of participants.  share-a-smile year 3 is also happening on the 28th of the month so this feels like double hurrah.  i also may have an upcoming shoot with a really good friend.  make that triple hurrah.  rating :  winner

one dream still hanging.  the other dream depends on how fast i can wrap up the proposal.  i'm trying to revamp the presentation which hopefully i can complete by tomorrow or the next.  c'mon .... i need it.  rating : in between

life | day 21 - the busy bee

at work.

work seems to have taken a life of its own at the start of the year.  i guess losing one headcount and not having a ready replacement is a bummer.  i am very happy though because my staff left for all the right reasons.  its a gift though that my team accepted the challenge of temporarily covering the vacated role - all of us divided the pie, some more than the others.  i don't see us filling the position until the end of february so the next couple of months is going to be taxing.  still a bunch of projects that needs closure and there are three more contracts i need to review.  kaya 'yan.

in photography.

still working on photos from the multiple shoots i did before 2009 ended.  first shoot for the year was with a young businessman from davao i met via model mayhem.  i'm much more comfortable shooting by myself now.  its always easier when the model is easy to work with and so far i have been lucky with all the models i've worked with.  hopefully there will be more shoots this 2010 because photography, while tiring sometimes, is one good thing that keeps my head off work.  not to mention that i meet a lot of great people along the way.

on friends.

i am thankful i have really great friends.  and not just the kind you say hello once in a while.  while there are indeed those who masquerade as something else, i know who are those really worth keeping.  no bitterness here.  no more wasting time on the unworthy. harharhar.

on love.

one word - playtime.

on dreams.

still working on it.  one feels like its happening soon.  the other is getting frustrating.  i'm giving it until the end of the month and then i'm going to have to decide whether to push through with it or not.

life | day 4 - first day back

it was something i've been sort of dreading except that i knew two weeks of vacation will just pass by like it never happened.  i enjoyed the two-week vacation because i got to rest (ok, probably not a lot of rest), spend time with family and friends.  i did 3 consecutive shoots in 3 different locations with different people.  it was fun, but now i'm backed-up in post-processing hell by 4 more people.

first day at work meant i would need to deal with the problems temporarily shelved over the holidays.  i somehow wished they would magically disappear over the two-weeks hoping that would be santa's gift but i guess i haven't been good enough to deserve some magic this christmas.  oh well, one can dream, right?  today was a bit stressful and i had to show some teeth in a telecon (ok, that was an analogy) because i wanted to put somebody in their proper place.  the intention was good except that it didn't sound like they thought of it lengthily to begin with.  its one of the things i hope will change in the future, for people to have well-thought of plans.  until then, i have to just ... errr .... smile but show them we're no pushovers.

sorry, marunong din ako mag-ingles. harharhar.

i decided, against everything my body was telling me, to jog/walk around highstreet tonight.  i swear i felt like my heart was going to explode while i was running.  it was a good 30mins of jogging and walking, no rests in between.  i think i just need to keep this up to slowly condition my body to the torture.  willpower, i choose you.

no dinner tonight.  water. water. water. oh i forgot, i had a banana.  if all of these reduced eating doesn't work, i'm sorry pero BELO na.  harharhar.

life | relief & simplicity

the trip to the ENT finally ended my breathing problem.  nasal polyps gone.  it wasn't a pleasant procedure but i'm still glad i had it because i swear i can breathe so much better now.  the downside of it is that he put me on prednisone (a corticosteroid) for the next three weeks.  the stuff that can make you fat which incidentally defeats the purpose of the fat burner i'm taking.  the other downside is that i have to stop using the fat burner because it'll be too much for my poor liver to handle.  prednisone also cause muscle pain, which explains why my legs have been a pain since last night.  bummer.  at least i can breathe much better.

when i went home last night, i saw kids playing in the streets.  i chuckled when i saw one little girl on a makeshift crutch who shouted "darna" and like the filipino superhero, dislodged the crutch and flew off.  they were playing heroes and villains.  kids.  how simple and uncomplicated life is to them - detached from the spoils and the harsh realities of life.  its the one thing i miss being a kid - having simple joys with even the make-believe games.  being a grown-up subjects you to more ups and downs imaginable - rollecoaster ride talaga.  no matter how much you try to be mr. brightside, there will always be times when its too much.  life isn't simple anymore, its a complicated mess.

life | complications

life indeed has a way of making things more exciting.

one member of the team sent a letter of resignation this morning.  all reasons valid - promotion, office location.  no reason to get in the way of someone else's dreams.  i said congratulations of course.  the timing sucks though because its yearend and it'd be a miracle to find a replacement in a month's time.  i need to figure this out ... now. uhmm ok, maybe tomorrow cause my brain at this hour feels like jell-o.

in one meeting with a long-time supplier about a previous transaction, things got a bit heated (at least from his side) when he got emotional.  he was interpreting all that i was saying in all the wrong ways - older that he was, i was also in a position of power so i had to reaffirm that.  being emotionless is helpful - easier to think, no words to take back.  gotta love self-control.

people at the office wants me to host this year's christmas party.  good grief.  are they serious?  do they really know what they're getting themselves into?  i warned them.  hahaha

taking the day off today to go back to my ENT.  so i think junior checked me up the first, then a reliever the second and senior the third time.  senior says he can do the nasal polypecty (?) at the clinic, no need for an OR.  hurrah to that i guess.  its an outpatient procedure so i'm up and about right after ... hopefully, cause i have to drive myself in & out of the hospital.

fun times.  merits a charlie chan chicken pasta. yumness.

continuing trials

i had to bring my sister back again to the hospital because she was having abdominal pains & was vomiting again. i thought after her operation a few months ago that things will start going back to normal but like the doctor said there will be a few pains. this is her second time in the hospital this year after spending quite a few weeks last year. that period was physically, emotionally and financially draining. she didn't have a good medical plan from her company then so both mom & i had to share the expenses. things would probably be not that difficult if i had at least a brother i could rely on and a dependable father. while i know they won't let any harm come to my nephew, i'm not so comfortable leaving him with them. so for the next few days, i'd have to try again to balance work, taking care of my nephew, household chores and school's starting on monday. its really a crash-course in growing up and a realization of my obligation to my family. it probably would have been easier if my dad had a steady income or my brother have work but looking at how lazy my brother is, i don't think he has plans of working anymore. i honestly don't know how people like him, who seemingly don't have any ambition and desire to move forward, find purpose in life. i probably would have taken pity if he was at least humble about not contributing financially, but it feels most of the time that we owe him something. he could contribute to the household chores but he's super lazy (and i'm not exaggerating) and lives as if he had servants to clean up after him. to top it all, even if you ask him to do something, its like speaking to the wall and he takes offense about it. i feel bad about it but i don't feel any affection towards him anymore.

i hope things get better soon. as always, i trust God will help us through.