having an asshole dad

perhaps the greatest tragedy in my life was having had that man that my mother married. and sure if it hadn't been for him, i would never have come to this world. maybe that would have been a better option instead of me being here, filled with so much anger and resentment. i hate him. and i am not ashamed of saying that. and if you have been blessed with two loving parents, then count yourself as lucky, i wasn't.

i feel this way right now because i just had a terrible fight with that man on the most seemingly trivial matter. i was going to use the chopping board and saw that it was returned unwashed still with traces of the tomatoes and onions he had used in the afternoon. he was in the living room eating in a bowl that time and i reminded him to wash it next time before stowing it away. i thought that was it until after a few minutes he answered me back in a super sarcastic tone of "pasensya ka na kasi marami akong hinugasan kanina. nakalimutan lang." it wasn't the words but more of the tone that irritated me so i told him "sana sabihin mo na lang ng maayos, wag ka ng mag-pilosopo." this time i was already very irritated and i've been very patient with him already. he shouted back something, dagger looks and all and threw the bowl he was eating from at me in the kitchen. He began accusing me of being obnoxious just because i had a job, that i had money, etc. etc. Fuck naman, never akong nag-complain sa kanya about the money i was pouring into the family. Never kong pinamukha sa kanila na i was paying for everything. that i was doing for him his obligations to the family. and then you will hear words like that - pucha naman, sila ang nakikinabang sa pinagtratrabahuhan ko and the least i could ask from him is mag-contribute man lang kahit in the most minor way. When he stupidly drank that one whole bottle of red wine and hoards of his diabetes drugs and i had to bring him to the hospital, i paid the whole hospital bill. i never even got a "thank you" for that. its not about the money, its sana man lang appreciation man lang for the sacrifices i've been doing. after a while pala, trying so hard to be the responsible one is nakakapagod na din. parang ayoko na.

honestly, i don't think i can take this anymore. maybe its best if i just moved out and live on my own. maybe that way, everyone will be able to wake up and do something. like the 31yo brother who does nothing all day and doesn't seem interested in finding gainful employment. or my sister, who despite her recent experiences hasn't really learned to value her health and manage her finances. i think that is what frustrates me so bad, i have to do all the work and i have to also be the one who has to think of ways to save. for the brother and that man, walang effect - its like everything is just normal. that there is some infinite source somewhere.

arrrgggghhh, ayoko na. i can't take this anymore.