after the storm

power went out around 9am yesterday and that left me staring at the ceiling for hours. no internet so no more office connection. i decided to cancel all of my remaining meetings for the day. the winds were merciless as it battered down trees, houses and electric posts. i could hear it literally howling through the one window opened in my bedroom. this was one of the strongest typhoons i encountered and it was a good thing everyone in the family was home. jacob didn't really understand why there was no power as he remain insistent to open the television. good thing my laptop had an extended battery plus an extra battery you can just chug in place of the dvd. it had enough juice to let me watch up to 4 tv shows - that's where 3 1/2 hours of my day went. i slept through the other hours - nothing much to do so might as well catch up on sleep. i think i texted almost everybody in my address book - hahaha, i was bored so i wanted to chat with some of 'em. some were polite enough to reply, other's probably didn't have any load or their lines cut off for not paying their bills --- hahaha, kidding! as i write this blog, there's still no power back home and i contend myself with charging most of my portable devices here at the makati office. boring boring boring. i probably should force myself to do that mapday agenda for my trip next, next week but somehow, motivation has departed me. i debate whether i should pass time in a restaurant somewhere but i'm not sure if i'm really up for it. its really a lazy day today, probably one of the best days to just lie down and watch dvd's if only there was power. i was thinking of going to the gym today but b texted me the gym was closed today. major bummer. supposed to see gym crushie but i guess i'd have to wait and see gym crushie monday na lang.

cramming

and so i woke @ 1am and prepped a 1 teaspoonful instant coffee (sorry no starbuck's in sight), started typing my (school) case analysis and managed to get through the case background and problem statement before my mind wandered off. total time for that : 1 hour, 20 minutes. is it me or are thoughts just hard to come by lately? maybe i am distracted too much. ugh.

hopefully i get to finish this case by 7am. call into my morning meetings and figure out a way to get to the makati office quickly. times like these, i wish i could teleport or be in two places at once. cramming. stupid habit i can't get out. its bad enough i get distracted easily. ugh. bad me.

friendships & goodbyes

nine years ago, i made a big decision of moving from an otherwise secured, promising marketing job in suyen corporation. if i had not left then, i'll probably be earning as much as bree, have a company car and be traipsing around paris, bangkok or hongkong. i never regretted packing up and moving to intel since then - intel opened up a lot of opportunities for me - travels, free school and honing both my technical and managerial skill. it was a job i think i was destined for and i continuously challenged myself to be better. the only thing that pained me about leaving my friends back then - bree, minky, mm, alan & jackie. bree, minky and mm were college friends, jackie was a fellow la sallian and alan was a cool store manager back then. i worked with bree, minky, jackie and mm for a year and nine months and we shared mostly everything - food, dreams, aspirations, joys and sorrows. we were out almost every night back then (ok, so we were in our early 20's) with movies, dining out and shopping. those were really fun times. while most except for bree moved to different companies - minky to swarovski, jackie to avon, alan to f&h and mm to who-knows-where, i've managed to form a lifelong friendship with bree, alan and jackie. its true that bree is the one that i see most often (having been classmates since high school) but the times i can count that we get together are times when it seems we were only together a few days back. its the same thing i have with my college friends, that while we don't see each other that often doesn't diminish the friendship we have - it only grows stronger. i feel fortunate that i have found lifelong friends, probably in every new place i went to. though admittedly there are some friendships i would have wanted to keep, i guess God had other plans for us that's why it had to end.

over the years, i have gotten more mature, wiser and more responsible. i stopped trying to please other people and i've made sure not to make any pretensions about who i am, what i feel, how i act - whether they label me as bitchy or "laitero." i've embraced the attitude that people should like me for who i am and not for who they want me to be. its much safer that way, there are no surprises and no plastic moments. i don't try to conform and i take rainchecks every now and then. at least that way, the friendships i make are real and i know those who stick are people who accepts me.

what does the future hold for each of us? some of my friends have packed their suitcases to start their lives anew in another country. there are a lot still who moved out or is planning to move out or who will be moving out of intel. people are making big decisions left and right and they're taking charge of their lives - this is actually a good thing. i always believed in "taking chances" - ok, so maybe in most things but not in matters of the heart. there are still some things admittedly that i am not that brave yet in facing - mcbaby is one of them. i've accepted the fact that people come and go in our lives and those that we were meant to be friends with somehow survives the separation. these are the friendships that lasts a lifetime. at least now its easier to keep in touch (if we make an effort) - there's e-mail, texts and instant messaging.

for now, tight hugs & a wish good luck.

how much can we love

a asked me the other night if its possible to be in love with somebody now and still be in love with a past. it wasn't really an easy question to answer so i decided to leave it hanging until i could sort out a proper answer. regardless of how much i argued, the only answer (and this is my personal opinion) i have is "yes, its possible." i believe our heart is big enough to be capable of loving somebody else with the same intensity accorded to a current beau. if the question is whether its wrong to feel that way - then the answer is "it depends." nobody can forget a first love, or the real kind you thought would last forever. memory is a cruel thing and will constantly remind you of both the sweet and painful memories. this is why i was saying that if erasing one's memory (ala eternal sunshine of the spotless mind) is possible, then everyone would probably be better off - living in a borrowed utopia. loving your past is not wrong if you leave it at that - the past. it becomes wrong only if it holds you from moving on with your life, or holding yourself from loving somebody else. the real truth is that there are just some love that hits us, leaves its mark and stays with us - forever.

losing a friend

i got this via email and thought about putting it here. sums up nicely everything.

losing a friend
Copyright © 1999 Haley Zettler

I know we don't talk,
We're not really even friends
But I want you to know I'll be there,
Through the thick and through the thin
I wish we could still be close,
Like the way things used to be
I was there for you,
And you were there for me
Even though we're never talking,
Or together hanging around
I just want you to know,
I'll always be here to pick you up when you're down
So even though we're no longer friends,
You can always come to me I have a shoulder you can cry on,
A soul on which you can lean
Remember me next time you cry,
I'm here to help,
To be with you
Side by Side

a place of dwindling fun

the one thing i realized going to the cavite office is how much people have changed over the past years - literally and emotionally. a number of the people i started work with nine years ago have moved on outside the country or some to pursue other opportunities. while losing them has been difficult, meeting new faces have been a blessing as well. despite the daily grind, being with friends was something to look forward to. i looked forward to spending time with them. sure, there were times it was tempting to pack up, complain how much work needed to be done and feel under-compensated for it, but i knew from the start i was made for this job - so i stuck with it. in a way, nine years after i feel rewarded and the investments in relationship i made somehow made it possible. the office today looks and feels different - i sometimes feel like i don't know anybody there anymore ('course except for a few folks) what with the new folks and groups and people having different priorities now. we don't go out to the occasional friday movie & coffee, or the "kapihan" sessions, or the "wala-lang, hang-out lang" anymore. i do miss the old days. its not that fun anymore, and most of the time, i feel like going to cavite is a chore so i don't bother anymore. of course there are people there i miss hanging out with, but i get to hangout with them weekends sometimes. with my new role and the need to have more US contact time, i'll be pulling my work hours so going to cavite is no longer a requirement.

at times i wish i had a time machine - and i can go back to when it used to be more fun ... with some of the few fun people from the present.

birthdays, bloopers & unplanned spendings

heidi celebrated her birthday with an invitation to dinner at their house in pasig last friday. heidi and i go way back in college and we were groupmates in almost all subjects and thesis mates. it was good to see my college friends again specially now that our number is thinning out with some following the others who have moved out of the country a few years back. i expected the food to be a culinary delight since heidi's family are into the catering business and having dined numerous times at their house during overnights back in college, i was all set for some uber yum food. and i wasn't disappointed.

i found out just how small the world really is back during one of our group overnights when it heidi turned out to be the first cousin of someone i was crushing on back in high school. i wasn't surprised then when L came to the party, after all, heidi & her cousins are close. its ironic though that of all the people i would see fifteen years after high school turns out to be L ('course not counting my friends and those who work at intel). L and i moved in different circles back in high school, each enjoying different popularities. i was pleasantly surprised then as we were leaving and i flashed him a smile when he smiled back and extended his hand. as i shook it i thought how funny that this was the first time i think that i really met him.

nothing really, just nice to see someone from way back.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-= oOo =-=-=-=-=-=-=-

still groggy from sleeping late last night, i still managed to beat my alarm clock morning to get ready for school. i made sure i had a hearty breakfast (which was more like a super early lunch) of rice, nilagang ribs and lumpiang shanghai - yeah, i'm stupidly pigging out on rice lately. i got to school 20 minutes past nine and was frantically searching for my classroom on the board when i realized "shit, i think this elective if differently scheduled." i managed to scan through the bulletin boards to finally confirm that my saturday classes starts september 30. stupid.

i sat down in one of the benches to figure out what to do since i was in makati already when my celfone rang. jap, turns out to be my saving grace - she missed out the schedule too. hahaha double whammy. we spent the next thirty minutes laughing at our hilariously stupid mistake.

i spent the better part of the day hanging out, and finally meeting the last of the lawyer "barkada" - jing, who coincidentally were friends with jim, dino and ramil.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-= oOo =-=-=-=-=-=-=-

i got a text from baby bro :

"big bro, pumasa sa test c tin ... sa pregnancy test. yehey."

congrats baby bro. you're going to be a dad soon. i am very happy for you.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-= oOo =-=-=-=-=-=-=-

i was deadset on staying home sunday to read 130 pages of my information technology textbook when bree called up and invited me to go malling and watch "john tucker must die." bree needed to do some shopping since he was going to paris on tuesday. and since i was in the mall already, i decided to tag along - wrong decision. after two stores, i had on hand 6 shirts and 2 belts - and here i was telling myself that i should hold off buying any more shirts because there's literally no more space in my closet. oh well, the stuff i bought weren't that expensive and besides, i need some new clothes for school and for my upcoming US trip.

a very productive weekend if i may say so ....

coming back

the school term starts today - and last night for some reason i felt uneasy having to attend another weekday class. its been a while since i had night school, cause the last term i was on leave and the term before that was just taking my written comprehensive exams and a saturday class. its probably because i'm not used to going home late during weekdays lately that's bugging me or maybe the challenge of trying to stay focused on what the professor is going to yak about for 3 hours. hopefully there's going to be some eye candy in school - that will make going more motivating (chuckle!). what i hate about first days is that i'd have to go through introductions, reviewing the boring syllabus and hoping that i know someone in class so its easier come grouping time. unfortunately, whether i'm ready for school, its all a moot point now. there's no turning back now.

love not easy

i was exchanging e-mail yesterday with an old friend about the woes of not being able to find a lasting relationship, including our heartache of loving the wrong people almost all the time. there was this question "do you find love? or does love find you?" that i have been itching to write about since last week but couldn't collect enough thoughts to put something that's comprehensible. personally, i am making a choice about no longer trying to search and find love but this time around, i am going to let it try and find me. i have always been a firm believer of the old adage "if its meant to be, then it will happen." so i'm putting my heart in that basket. i think the past heartaches has taught me a very important lesson - why love someone who can't love you back? or love someone who love somebody else? or love someone who don't care about you to begin with? ha! i've honestly stopped being bitter about the sad state of my lovelife right now and decided to just focus on the positives i have in life. its not true i don't have someone to work for - i have myself & my family. its not true i don't have a last call for the day - i talk to Him everynight. its not true that being alone is lonely - sometimes maybe, but its only lonely if you let it. the world doesn't have to revolve on one single person alone, the object of your affection because happiness does not rest on that single person. happiness is within us and if we let go of all the bitterness, all those feeling-sorry-for-ourselves sentiments, then i am sure we will know more happiness in this world.

life is a canvas. its up to us to choose the colors to paint it with.
and i choose to relish in all the colors life has to offer.

wish ko lang

browsing through condominiums, i came across mckinley park residences and was drawn to its loft-type rooms. perfection. its in bonifacio global city (i can live here even if i have to work in cavite), basically near everything - malls, hospitals, gym, restaurants. did i mention all the units are loft-type, again? hahaha its perfect cause a loft-type won't be too cramped - i can get a bit claustrophobic sometimes. can i afford it? now that is a good question. inquire. inquire. inquire. there are cheaper alternatives though it will definitely be not as cool as this. now wouldn't this be nice?

dinner with a few good friends

jim's leaving on tuesday to go on an academic adventure in europe. it was only a couple of months ago when i learned from dino about jim's trip. i remember back then while i was still in the states that jim and i talked lengthily about his upcoming trip - and it was during this time too that jim discovered the powers of instant messaging. i think i was more excited than jim was about his upcoming trip mainly because europe is my dream destination (pocket money na lang at ka-backpacker, pede na!) and i always wanted to do that whole independent kind of living even temporarily. and man, jim is going to do both (insert jealous smile here!).

i was happy that jim decided to invite us to dinner at next door (julio vargas st, pasig) last night and was surprised to learn that he was leaving on tuesday (the 12th) rather than the 19th hahaha. i was really happy to see ramil (with his girlfriend rina), jim and dino again after a looong time - uhmm, ok i saw jim pala in tagaytay just this year but you get my point. while i do get an occasional e-mail from ramil, i think its been almost a year since i last saw him. both jim & ramil were my groupmates back in mgt acctg at taft - i was lucky that i knew jim already then (having been classmates in microecon? and mansci) and he was friends with ramil so i had instant groupmates. lucky cause i didn't really know anyone in that class during the first day.

we stayed a few more hours after dinner talking about mundane matters and occasionally laughing at dino for his limited tagalog understanding. we laughed as we talked about watching local films and how (though we probably will never admit in public) we enjoyed those movies. we talked about school and what's going on with everyone including making lait about the students we didn't like. and while i was the resident "laitero" don't be fooled by jim & ramil, they can make super "lait" too, mas subtle nga lang. i surely miss hanging out with these guys - they're a few of the people @ school that i really like. i'm glad i know them.

to jim, good luck and have a safe trip. its such a great and exciting adventure ahead of you.

pictures posted also here : dinner before jim leaves

remembering sagada

a few nights ago while tinkering with adobe photoshop elements, i came across a photo-video that trixy made of our sagada trip last november 2005 and i couldn't help but feel nostalgic about it. it was one of the out-of-town trips i truly enjoyed even if it was my second time to visit sagada. i remember how much fun jona, jason, trixy, mel, dennis and i had traveling, hiking, swimming with an uber-cold waterfall, cave exploring and the cheap, yummy food. we seemed like backpackers exploring a different country taking pictures everywhere we went and in every activity we set out to do. there were occasional complaints about pained legs, some bitchy remarks but it was too much fun to remember all those things. i hope we get a chance to do something like this soon.

CDO - Another round!

found this new way to show-off pictures courtesy of slide.com which i saw from deej's blog. thanks deej.

awesome series

i love the new fox series "justice" with victor garber, kerr smith, eamonn walker and rebecca mader. produced by jerry bruckheimer who produced all the CSI hits and highly successful without a trace series. justice is about a lawfirm (TNT & G) and what happens behind the scenes of high-profile cases. its very well written and the plot as crafty as CSI that i was instantly hooked seeing the pilot last week. kerr is at his absolute best - no longer playing teen roles, he plays a charming and very smart lawyer perfectly well. victor garber is as witty, calculating and manipulative as he has been in his alias days. this series is addicting.

soon it will be christmas

i didn't really realize that we entered into the 'ber' months already until a good friend mentioned that they've started playing christmas carols on the radio already. i asked "uhh, why?" and of course it was because it was septem'ber' already. when this has sunk in, i became gleefully excited because christmas is my favorite time of the year. the good mood i was in didn't dampen despite of the rains the previous days that i happily sang along christmas songs playing on my ipod while on my way to work last week. christmas for me equals happy. there's just something about it that's so infectiously happy (just writing about it is making me smile right now). there's the so many social parties you have to attend to, the gift-hunting, the food, the spending and the promise of an even better year to come. i remember when i was still in suyen and it was the christmas season already and a bunch of us went trooping to the mall and we ran around like crazy for two hours buying stuff. it was tiring (after an already tiring day of work) but it was so much fun. i miss those days.

i've been listening to christmas songs everyday this week and i've already managed to write my christmas shopping list (names & budget only). hopefully this year, i'd be able to finish my christmas shopping early and give my gifts before the year ends. i can feel this is going to be a great christmas already.

-------------------------------------------------------

i just realized school starts next week. i have to adjust my gym sched to monday, thursday and saturday - no way i am going to give my gym in lieu of school this time. school is wednesdays and saturdays. ugh, this means my saturday is fully-booked already with school & gym at least for the next 14 weeks.

small joys for a child

i was planning on going to the cavite office thursday but that got sidetracked since i had to stay home to watch my nephew since my sister had two business meetings and mom had to go to a lunch affair. and since i was the only one who had the most flexible work schedule these days, i elected to stay home. at around 11am, i decided to break for an early lunch and took my nephew to mcdonald's to have lunch. its easier to bring jacob around places now that he's three since he's much more independent and behaves himself pretty well. i ordered for him a chicken mcdo happy meal and some iced tea while i got a two-piece chicken meal for myself. yes i am eating again, while i try to hold off the carbs, i do eat some nowadays - no more dizzy spells lately. while i had to slice the chicken into smaller pieces, it wasn't hard to feed jacob since he loves to eat by himself - and yes, it is kind of messy. after lunch, i brought him to the store playground where he climbed inside the big, plastic playhouse and delightfully used the big slide. it was fun to just stand there and watch him play on the slide and how nice to hear him scream in excitement everytime he slides down. this is what's great about being a kid - no worries, no problems - just a whole lot of playtime. it makes me jealous how despite a repetitious activity, i see genuine happiness and joy in my nephew's eyes.

sometimes it makes me want for an easier life right now - the kind that is free from too much complication and too much heartache - not a care in the world. but i can't be like that - not right now. these small joys, its not hard to figure them out now - its not so hard to smile or laugh these days because happiness is in me. and i have chosen to be happy.

a world of opportunities

pondering deeply on the current instability of employment in the company i work for in the last nine years made me realize the need to have additional/other sources of income. i guess elmer who has been doing some commendable "rackets" (tagalog slang for "sideline") draws me to start thinking "business" full throtle. while we do have some not-so solid ideas right now, we haven't really stopped thinking and talking about it - the idea, at least. i've talked to a college friend (incidentally was a co-employee @ Suyen) yesterday and she was excited to talk about ideas for a sideline as well. so much so that we decided to set up to meet once she comes back from her business trip. we'll see what comes out of this sudden business mindset. i need to open my eyes and see the world for what it is - a world brimming with opportunities.

changing plans

joan (my boss' boss) IM'd me asking me if i can travel to the US sometime in october (probably around W41/42 once we finalize it) and while i would have preferred to go, the reality was i need this for my next job as the project manager for EMS. the only downside of this trip was that i will have to cancel on my boracay trip with ali & allan (which falls on W42). add to this, i would have to work out with my professor next week about my scheduled travel since i will miss two school meetings. i should be glad for the opportunity to travel except that my commitments in school hold me back. the thing is, i never expected to be a project manager in the new org, and seeing that they put me there (alongside the other managers who directly reported to her before) meant that i still have something going. so i have to temporarily skip bora and travel to the other side of the world. one more time this year.

feel good movies

i've always liked seeing feel-good movies of late mostly because i like to just sit back and relax while munching on some pretentious low-fat food. for the past week, i've actually seen "manay po" on dvd which was a movie shown the time i left for the states last june. it was actually quite funny what with cherry pie's lisp dialogues and awesome acting by the characters. many will probably not like it cause it involves cherry pie pichache's three gay sons. its not really all about the cheap gay antics but its also about relationships and family and i guess beneath the comedy, it actually talks about the trivialities of being different.

i wanted to see "you are the one" partly because both toni & sam i find uber gorgeous and the other part because i knew it was going to be a romantic, feel-good movie. i wasn't disappointed seeing the film because apart from the love story & "kilig" moments, there was also drama (read : teary-eyed moments) and comedy (courtesy of gio alvarez and eugene domingo). the story is quite simple and in a way that for me is the whole appeal of seeing these kinds of film - you don't have to think too much. you just have to sit there and enjoy the "kilig" moments. yeah, deep inside i'm still a romantic fool at heart. sam & toni doesn't disappoint in this movie. i particularly liked that part when will (sam) said "i don't have a heart that can love. it died when my parents gave me away." and sally (toni) replies "you have a heart. heartbroken, oo. pero you have a heart." that's one of the things i fear most, reaching that point where i'm jaded so much about love that i won't be able to love anymore. now that's a really bad thing.

going away

we had dinner with leny last friday in uva @ greenbelt 2 since she is moving to new zealand this coming thursday. while trying to write something about that dinner, i just realized that that despedida dinner was actually a second among many more despedidas to come. degs & michelle (both dear friends) were the first to move (after a long hiatus) off to sydney. leny is next in line and there's jordan, rhaleigh and elmers following suit i think in that order. should i stay or should i go - do a jim paredes at least, not deadset on australia but maybe some other country. singapore will be an easier decision for me since the nearness of it means its not imperative that i bring my whole family with me. i'd be able to live that independent life i've been craving for a long, long time. if i wanted to, i think i would be able to buy a condo right now, but i can't think only of myself right now - can't be selfish when i have my nephew and my mom to think of.

hmmm, enough of this for now - this space is for leny. i've worked with leny a number of times over the past few years and we definitely had our share of ups & downs. in a way, we both were strong-minded individuals and we were stubborn at times that we consistently had petty arguments. i guess the passing of time has mellowed both of us and developed a certain respect for each other. while leny and i never did become really close friends, what we had was enough for me to attend her despedida dinner. the chicken inasal i had at uva was quite good - chicken was juicy (not dry) and was perfect with the mashed potatoes that went with it. it was fun to talk about the future and how it is in new zealand on a full stomach and people always look better in pictures when they're stuffed. there was a bunch of us who went to the dinner - ces, elmer & joey, ting, arlene, juan and joyce. we talked about what life will be for leny for the first few months of moving to new zealand - without work, without a home. she & her family is really starting from scratch - in a way for me, this is actually a chance to wipe the slate clean - to start over and right the wrongs of the past. hearing leny talk about it made me scared and excited at the same time - its a big gamble alright. it scary to be in leny's shoes, specially for me right now seeing how comfortable my life is today. what keeps me interested though is hearing the words "you can't win the lottery if you at least don't buy a ticket." i know that pretty soon, i am going to buy my lottery ticket - and see where that leads me.