my top tv show pick for 2006

having broadband internet connection made it easy to follow the new tv shows in the US ahead of pirated dvds plying the market. while admittedly having this addiction sent our electric bill through the roof, it was worth it. here is a list of the shows in the US that i just had to have a weekly dose of and why (no particular order).

1. prison break (fox). after season 1, who wouldn't die waiting to see what happened to michael scofield and lincoln burrows? or the better question would be - having wit & dashing good looks, who wouldn't want (or be) michael scofield? each episode in season 2 is a cliffhanger, pushing you at the edge of your seat and hating fox for having this much control over you.
2. grey's anatomy (abc). the brains behind this series is a genius. this series for me is the best show right now on television, and it has proven itself so after it moved to a thursday slot and being pitted against juggernaut CSI, it now only proved it can survive, it actually is at par or even beating CSI in the ratings. this is in my can't miss list.
3. battlestar galactica (sci-fi). arguably the best sci-fi show. it has everything, romance, drama, action, and suspense. after doing a marathon catch-up of season 1 and patiently watching season 2, we were hooked. season 3 ... its painful to think how many more days, weeks or months before the next episode.
4. heroes (nbc). when i first saw the trailer of heroes, i thought "this is going to be interesting." and i was right. i found it a bit boring during the first few episodes but they sure have picked up the pace since then. i think we are going to see more of this show.
5. justice (fox). this is "the practice" meets "CSI". i don't know why this show is not rating and why fox is pulling the plug but for me, this was one show that i loved this season. kerr smith is awesome.
6. friday night lights (nbc). this is a recent find and after watching 10 of its aired episodes in a row, it was clear i was missing a lot. i think along with heroes, this is actually one of the best new series this season and i am hoping the ratings will pick-up so it doesn't get yanked from the schedule.
7. brothers and sisters (abc). damn, talk about heavy drama. yeah, that's what this is. it has an outstanding cast including calista flockhart and sally field. i always have a tear watching this series - so heartwrenching. i guess i can connect to how dysfunctional this family is.
   

of course, there are still the staples like one tree hill, the oc (i love this show) and supernatural (scary, intriguing and a true eye-candy). ugly betty is also a very good show to watch (i watch this right after grey's anatomy). desperate housewives is still funny. 3lbs seems like a rip-off of house md. the mini-series "the lost room (sci-fi)" was great i consider it a must-see. hmmm, worth a mention is nip/tuck for a weekly dose of sex, intrigue, mystery, grim & gore. oh did i mention sex? nip/tuck is cutting edge and i think that's why it remains so appealing (and yes, wouldn't we all want to look like christian troy?).

ahead of 2007

the good news is that my boss confirmed that there is budget for me to go the US next year and when that is entirely up to me. i had planned to fly on sunday at the end of the 2nd week of january and stay in chandler for the next eight (or ten) weeks. i've actually already started making the arrangements for my trip and hopefully things at home will be ok enough for me to confirm my trip. i hope this piece of news is the beginning of many more good news to come in 2007. cause i tell you, i need a breather.

surviving the distance

there were a lot of people/friends who left recently, so many that its actually kind of hard to keep track already. some of them left for another country while others for the promise of a better career in another company. regardless of the reasons, we all arrive at that point wherein we make the big leap - throw all caution to the wind - and just plunge head-on. while parting can be quite emotional, its only temporary. sure, there's grief, emptiness and feelings of sadness but people are resilient and the heart, given time, does not miss forever. but who did leave already - gib, thebeth, mel, elmer, jordan, jowell, ali, kj, reden, michelle, rhaleigh - ugh, all in the same year. who's next? pretty soon, everyone i've known will be gone. i'm sticking because in a way, my position remains promising and its foolhardy to just throw that away. besides, life as i know it is different now - i've come to the reality recently that i have responsibilities.

the real question is whether if, after intel, our friendships survive. in a way, i already know those that will survive, but for the others i'm not so sure. those that survive will likely be those that will really make an effort to keep in touch, on both sides. i keep telling myself that given the multitude of means to communicate today, that shouldn't be so hard to do. the fact is that is easier said than done. the good thing though is that though there are varied levels of friendship, what remains true is that real friendship survives distance and its lack of togetherness. i know this because i have friends who i meet probably the most twice a year, and yet during those few times we hang out, we talk as if we just had coffee last night. i don't know how but you just know that it is the kind of friendship that lasts forever, because it endures.

lessons before the holiday

my sister is finally home. she still needs aid in doing a lot of things but at least being home is better than getting stuck in a four-cornered room at the hospital. despite all the difficulties during the past few weeks, i think it has thought me a lot of valuable lessons.

• that there is value in having savings. working for a good number of years, i only started saving two years ago (seriously this year) and i did it because i was at that point in my life wherein saving didn't put a big strain on my spending ability. having realized that in times of emergency, having somewhere to pull some resources from helps make things easier. my advice is that it doesn't matter how much you put aside every payday, whether its 1,000 or 10,000, it helps on the rainy days. in 2007, i am going to seriously start saving again.
• what is very important in a company is the health plan. we live in a very dangerous world where even the air we breathe poisons us, the food we eat laden with preservatives & additives and event the fluoride in toothpaste is poison. having a good health plan can save you a lot of headache when you get sick - i've known this for a long time but recently felt how much burden not having one can do to your bank account. Total hospital bill was 360k not including doctors' fees and the medicines needed after being discharged.
• that maybe me not being or tied up with someone is a blessing right now because i realized now that my family needs me & i have an obligation to them. i thank God that even if my mom was just an executive secretary for wyeth for the last 35 years, she was a wise woman who knew how to save, put her kids through prestigious schools, and take care of her family. now that she is retired, it is time for me to repay her for all her sacrifices.
• i am glad that i have life insurances, two at that and maybe i will be paying for them for still a good number of years but at least i know that if something happens to me, my family will not be saddled with debt.
• i finally understood what it feels like to have serious responsibilities. taking care of my nephew was no easy feat and his expenses wasn't paltry even, i could just imagine if he needed to wear diapers the whole day (luckily, he just needs the diapers at night time), i would have been running to the grocery weekly. running the household would have been easier has it not been for our two resident "pasaways". doing grocery shopping has been a routine chore.
• having to run a household and frequenting the grocery inspired me to start cooking. and while i'm dealing with the easy stuff, like pinakbet and chopsuey, my first venture to cooking a real meal was actually quite successful. it makes me giddy at the thought of cooking something more ... hmmm, difficult and interesting.
• i realized that God in his eternal wisdom, chose to give us this trial during a time where the holidays looming around makes taking time off easier. that my job today permits me to get off work at any time (as long as i deliver my req'ts) and stay home to watch over my nephew. that school isn't as demanding as the previous terms, and while i may be losing my chance at earning a medal on graduation, i have no regrets. the medal would have just been icing on the cake - i know that in her heart, i finally made my mom proud having been able to help our family during this difficult times. that for me is worth more than a hundred medals.

friends who've seen me have told me a variety of things - that i lost weight, that i looked tired, and that i carried my problems pretty well since i could afford to smile. i guess i've been used to putting up a smile all the time even at the worst of times, helped me more overcome all of the negativity. you know, it kept me from going insane and remain optimistic that we will survive.

yes, this would probably be the first christmas i haven't felt so festive. i haven't even been able to buy any christmas present, not for myself or my family. my immediate concern right now is stretching my savings for household expenses (electricity is running up to 7k, duh! and its not even summer). right now, i probably have to skip giving christmas presents this year except for my godsons & goddaughters and my nephew. hopefully, there's still time to enjoy christmas.

i love pocoyo!

my nephew gets all glued to the tv screen once disney playhouse shows pocoyo! he's just so loveable he's now on my desktop, my screensaver and even the background for my treo.

is there really?

the current family problems have been taking more of me than i will ever admit to anyone. i have to show strength and resolve in front of everybody because being fragile and emotional doesn't help during these times. the hospital bill is actually bigger than what we expected, i guess it will run into something like 450k (hopefully that's the ceiling). yesterday was the first time i've had to use my credit card and charge 150k for deposit. i thought "sayang ang points" so i decided to use VISA instead. i don't really think any of the 150k is going to come back after everything has settled down. its not a case of "easy come, easy goes" because i worked for that, and i consciously made it a point to put money in my savings account every payday. i'm glad though that i am able to help during these crucial times. a lot of people have told me that i will earn that back and i know i will. hopefully what they say is true also that we all will be rewarded for all our sacrifices. God has been good during the past years such that he allowed us to be able to prepare for these tests today.

if not for these recent events, i would have enough money to be make my planned purchases push through - i wanted to buy a new gas range, a new washing machine, a new radio/speakers for my car, get my lynx repainted, fix stuff that needs fixing on the lynx ... these would have been easy decisions to make, and while i'm not saying that i am destitute now, recent events begs our family to be prudent with our spendings.

its 12 days before christmas, i honestly don't feel that christmassy these days.

a brief respite

dad was discharged from the hospital today and pretty soon he'd be back to his "pasaway" self. i was quite touched receiving text messages from friends from school and work telling me to be strong and that they were praying for me & my family. i guess their prayers helped a lot that at least while we're not out of the storm yet, we're getting through it.

like most people needing some distraction, i focused my energies on being productive. i started the day cleaning the fridge and since it wasn't a "no frost" kind of ref, i couldn't believe how much ice came out from the freezer. i did some laundry and later on decided the kitchen needed some cleaning and disinfecting, and so i did all that and included the kitchen table and the old, old gas range. everything was spiffy clean by the time mom, dad & the blacksheep (BS) got home. i even had lunch prepared by then with rice, "nilagang manok" and some leftover beef with mushroom from yesterday.

i really wish all these difficulties will soon be over cause i really do need a breather. but i'm trying to cope with it ... at least one day at a time. even if its hard, i have to show strength cause my mom sure can't manage all of these by herself. its 15 days before christmas and despite what is happening, i am hoping christmas is going to be as wonderful as it has always been.

when it rains, it pours ...

yesterday was mom's birthday and since she was still in the hospital watching over my sister, i decided to buy some food and bring it there so we can at least celebrate. mom is i think around 67yo yesterday and we are lucky that at this age, she is still quite strong, self-sufficient and has not been plagued with any major sickness. Perhaps she's been blessed with good health because God knows her family needs her. mom, for the first time since my sister got confined a week ago, went with me to go home and get some stuff. even if i was quite tired from driving already, i offered to drive her back to the hospital since i didn't want her to commute and i knew the blacksheep wouldn't drive her. the drive to makati was a pretty smooth one but the drive back was painfully exhausting with the horrendous traffic and all. i am thankful though that i am lately driving an automatic car so at least in a way, its easier to drive - doesn't mean though that its less tiring. it still is so that by the time i got home, i was pretty beat that i went straight to bed.

i woke up around 4am with jacob crying outside my door - since he slept early that night, i figured he just woke up early so i just let him in to watch tv while i went to the restroom. i heard dad calling out my and blacksheep's name and i knew something was wrong. dad laid there in bed and he said he couldn't move his body, or he felt so weak that he couldn't lift anything. even if i tried to sit him down (and my it felt like he weighed a ton), he couldn't steady himself. after a while i decided that we should bring him to the hospital but i knew i couldn't lift him up by myself. of all the lousy timing, blacksheep was not home and i didn't even have his celfone number. i was debating whether to call an ambulance seeing that we needed to save any money we had right now to pay my sister's hospital bills. i fortunately managed to call some neighbors who were nice enough to help carry him to the car (i had at this time, moved the car to the front of the house and had changed my nephew's clothes). we managed to bring him to the emergency room of mcp and they initially thought he suffered a stroke.

i honestly don't know dad's medical history since he doesn't really bother to tell us the details and he likes to do self-medication. i did list down all of the medicines i saw from his meds bag before we left (just in case) and gave the list to the nurse. dad had to be admitted and it luckily i still had the money that ria paid me last week (this was supposed to be a gift for my mom). God is still good because dad didn't suffer a stroke after they did his x-ray and ct-scan but he has to stay overnight because they still need to run some labs on him tomorrow. his blood sugar though was very low (this might have been the initial cause why he couldn't move) and this is a no-no for a diabetic.

it's not the money (while that is still something that my mom & i have had sleepless nights with - seeing that my sister's bill might go to 350k) that frustrates me but rather because my dad, even if he knew he had all of these ailments, was careless. he self-medicates and i've seen him just like double the dosage of the meds he drinks and eats stuff that he should avoid. i am not particularly close to my dad but that doesn't mean that i won't help out if something happens to him - i'm not that bad naman (except for the blacksheep probably). dad is very stubborn and has always been like that, he's "ma-pride" and proud and spends what little money he has on sometimes trivial stuff. knowing him, he will revert back to his old ways once he gets better.

blacksheep is staying with dad at the hospital tonight, while mom has to return to makati med to take care of my sister. i have to stay at home to watch over my nephew. i wish with everything here that has happened, some good things come up of it - like my sister to start managing her finances better and blacksheep make an effort to find work and AT LEAST support himself. mom and i have been pretty exhausted lately and i know i have been saying this in the last few entries but i'm really sleep-deprived and exhausted most days. i don't know how much longer our (mom & i's) bodies can keep up being this tired but i'm praying we can hold on.

times like these, i wish i had a mcb or somebody. i do have my friends but it probably will be easier to bear having someone by your side, to hold you hand or rest your head even just for a while. i guess we can't all be that lucky ... and maybe this thing that my family is going through is an emotional wake-up call ... God-willing.

friends, please please pray for me and my family. i really need your prayers.

sleep deprived

i forced myself finally to sleep some time past 3am this morning. i felt so exhausted but my head was just on overdrive there was no way i could will myself to sleep. i still have a school meeting tonight and i need to drop by the hospital. aahhhh, i need some sleep ... wish my meetings are over.

stuck with sucky people

this post is a bit personal, but there's no one to talk to right now ...

the past two weeks, whenever i was out (which have been only a few times) i hoped that i didn't have to go home. it wasn't because i didn't want to see my nephew (he's the only + thing about home although he can get tiring after a while) but rather frankly, i would pass having to see my blacksheep brother and my dad. when i got home and went down to open the gates to park my car, i noticed that my sister's car was not in the garage and the gate was just pushed back, and wasn't locked. if there was a strong wind, the gates would have swung open. i asked my blacksheep brother if he was the one who took my sister's car out and when he said yes, i told him if he can close the gate properly the next time. he told me "he forgot daw" --- damn, like how can you forget to lock the gate if he had to get down the car in the first place to push it in place? anong klaseng reasoning yan? he's just so freakin' lazy --- and when i say lazy, i mean it in the most superlative sense ... as in super, duper, mega na he'll make the "useless" human being list hands down. i had it already with him that if i manage to buy a house in the future, only my mom, my sister and nephew can live there. dad can stay a few but he better follow my rules or i'll kick him out. blacksheep brother - he can stay here at our house today. if you think i'm harsh, then yes i am but you don't know what its like living with him.

i talked to my mom (who is in the hospital taking care of my sister) and she told me our bill to-date has rung up to 185K not including the doctors fees - and so far my sister has 3 doctors and she still needs to see a cardiologist. mind you, this doesn't include the other 50k from when my sister got hospitalized a few weeks back. between my mom & i, right now we can still pay the bill (again, thank God i have some savings ... salamat talaga!). how much our bill is was something i thought my dad should hear. he had to hear it not because he will pay for it because he won't be able to contribute a singe cent here (like father, like blacksheep son) but because i wanted to tell them "we need to start conserving." he goes on telling me how it was like that (it was the way he said it actually) without even asking how we were going to pay for it. he just assumed that we had the money to pay for it instantly - like what the hell is that? so i reiterated that we need to "conserve" and he then tells me "e ano, hahayaan mo na lang yung kapatid mo?" to which i told him, "its not that, we still need to think about how to pay for it?" he talks as if you can just get 200k out of the drawer. this is how people who have not managed to purchase anything major in their life talk. our house, cars and education are all courtesy of my mom.

they suck, and people can call me "ungrateful" or whatever they want, but these people need a mega-dose of reality. our lives will be so much better if we go our separate ways.

wish it was me instead

my sister is still recovering in the hospital after her two surgeries. she has been confined in the hospital for 11 days now and we're all hoping she gets really well soon. i was amazed how many stuff were hooked to her when i visited her last thursday, saturday and sunday. there were two dextroses, 1 bag for blood transfusion, 1 for antibiotics, and two hoses attached to her nose (one for oxygen and another to drain some internal fluids). she's getting stronger everyday and hopefully she will be well enough soon so we can take her home. jacob misses his mommy and mama already. i wish it was me instead of my sister in the hospital - in our family, i've had the longer history in getting hospitalized (at least i also have better medical coverage right now) and in a way, i'm more used to the hospital environment, and being sick. i guess i was really a sickly kid way back. i can't bear seeing my family in the hospital - i'd rather it'd be me instead of them there. its comforting though that at least i can take care of my nephew's expenses and i have enough money saved to help out on the hospital bill. its nice to be not helpless.

friends, pls stop for a minute & pray for the quick recovery of my sister.

harried life

life has been quite harried the past few days since mom is in the hospital taking care of my sister. sis, will be going under the knife today to remove her gall bladder and to remove whatever's blocking her intestines. the bill has rung up to 50k already with all the tests, not including doctor fee's (and she has 3 doctors) and the operation. ugh, i gave mom my atm last night because there were hospital bills to pay and i have to chip-in. i was thankful that i had a job that pays well right now and i was thankful that i decided to save money starting last year. i realized that i have to "love" my job because it affords me to live a very comfortable life right now.

while i've been sick since friday (got better yesterday already), i had to take care of my nephew most of the time (bathe, feed, watch over, play). i had to clean his milk bottles and prepare his water when i get home from work. i had to also drive to the hospital a number of times over the past few days. i am usually dead tired when i get home, and it takes so much energy to wake up and prepare for my daily 6am meetings (which i chair). some days, i feel like i am just going to pass out but i try to make do with what little time to juggle work with school deadlines. its a good thing that school isn't as stressful as the previous terms or i'm sure i would have died already.

right now, i'm just wishing for strength to get through the day. and some more sleep.

getting away

during my 1:1 with the boss of my boss yesterday, i openly asked her (with a lot of charm) how it will be better for me to work in the US timezone during the critical, developmental phase of the project i'm working on. i wasn't surprised that she gamely agreed to my suggestion since i thought my proposal was actually reasonable. she said she would talk to her boss to bring it up and i should talk to my boss also so it won't seem i bypassed her. the good news is that there's budget for 8-10wks of travel next year (its just a matter of allocating it to whoever made sense) and the drawback here is that i would probably have to drop school next term. the trip needs to happen in Q107 and checking on my remaining school schedule, if the travel gets approved, then i can leave on the third week of january.

so the question now is --- how will i download those tv shows? dang!

when its time ...

can you feel the gloom? i sure can.

walking along the halls of the office, i can't help but feel that something was lacking. i used to enjoy walking along these aisles for so many years, being excited that i was working for a multinational, billion-dollar company. i was probably young, naive & optimistic but that time, getting in was like winning the lottery. the last nine years was a journey, an adventure and was one of the best times to meeting truly remarkable people both here & abroad. everyday was something to look forward - and while we were tempted to give up at times, the work challenged us to be more than who we are. sure, there were the ocassional rants about pay, about how much work, about how sleepless nights sucked but we managed to get through it. the pressure and the stress forced us to turn to the ocassional alcohol, to smoking (which i've kicked off already) and to weekly gimiks. those were the days.

its remarkable how much things have changed during the past months. that while people have come and go, it felt like our "family" was going to survive the changing memberships. sadly, the happy times are over. we don't even go out anymore - everyone seems busy with their own lives, and others probably just found other people to hang out with. one by one, people are leaving and i can already see who will be left after everyone has packed up. i guess its just a matter of time for people to start making something out of their lives - to figure out what they want, go for it and pray to God they make the right decisions. the only thing i feel right now about people leaving is that nagging feeling whether our friendship survives. some may. others - i don't think so. i can already feel people drifting farther & farther apart.

its just time to part ways, i guess. and like always, life goes on.

proud to be pinoy

after alcano's win in the world pool championship a week ago, everyone was in high spirits anticipating today's pacquiao-morales boxing rematch. i myself didn't make plans today so i could stay home and watch the game (even if it was delayed). it was surprising though that the match lasted 3 rounds and pacquiao emerged as the winner. pacman (as pacquiao is fondly called) has given us pinoys again something to be proud of. what's nice here aside from pacman's win is that pinoys, even just for the day, dropped what they were doing and gathered to watch & support pacquiao. if only we could be as united in a lot of things, then this country no doubt will move forward. as it is, we just need to be thankful that there are these times where we can stand united - and be proud to be pinoy. i know i am.

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i was saddened to hear that the adopted brother of a childhool friend (who i drifted apart from a long time ago) passed away. i was quite sad to hear about it having learned only a day before that john paul had an operation because he had a tumor in his head. he was only 23yo. while growing up, his brother was one of the kids i hung out with along with other kids in the neighborhood. i had good times with them growing up considering that i only "socialized" with the other kids during my late teens. i saw part of john paul's childhood and even then, as kids were, he was a sweet & charming child. i can't believe he's gone. i never really gave a great deal about death before but having had my share of people moving on, it makes me hate being a grown-up. there's just so many things to deal with - and sometimes, i just don't know how to handle things. i'm alive though - and that's enough reason to be thankful. i know john paul is in a better place - dying young just meant God wants him back - and who can argue that?

being a parent for one day

mom texted yesterday that they my sister was going to get confined to the hospital since she hasn't been feeling well since last week. i dunno why she hasn't prioritized getting checked and finding out what's wrong with her in the first place. i guess we all have that inate fear about potentially knowing that there might be something wrong with us. its the emotional agony that tend to kill us first. despite being dead tired from going to the gym, i had to drive mom back to the hospital that night since someone needed to stay with my sister. i was pretty beat when i got back home knowing i still had to work on a presentation for my 6am meeting. sleep has been good & bad since i got back from the states. there have been times when waking up early after midnight proved helpful finishing up work or school stuff but lately the waking & sleeping for 30 more minutes routine has been agonizing.

dad chose to leave (the lousy timing) around 6am as i logged in to my meeting. my blacksheep brother (BSB) fortunately took care of my nephew while i chaired my meeting. (sidelog : for somebody who doesn't have a job, i wonder where he gets his money to go out). i told my manager i had to take the rest of the day off explaining my situation. i was preparing jacob's stuff when i realized he didn't have any clean milk bottles & water left. i had to clean his bottles and boil him water - it wasn't as easy as i thought it was, even preparing stuff to put on his bag. i can just imagine how exhausting it must be to come from work and have to attend to this stuff nightly. it wasn't hard at bath time since jacob loves getting cleaned up - and i've been giving him baths a number of times already. driving wasn't difficult also since jacob knows his place and how to behave inside a moving car already - the car being automatic is a plus though.

we stayed for a couple of hours at the hospital where my nephew was his "super gulo" self. i wish i had the same energy but i was exhausted & sleepy. i drove mom to her former office and the bank to get some money for the hospital. jacob was fast asleep when we got home and i fell asleep soon after. the good thing about my nephew is that he can be real independent seeing him chowing down on his mcdonalds chicken & rice while watching little einsteins on tv. he got that from the ref all by himself. i had to clean his bottles and prepare his water again - then had to clean him up for bedtime. i have to say doing these isn't easy - i'm starting to wish we had a helper right now. i love kids though - and this kid being my nephew, makes me love him ten times over.

i realize being a parent is a lot of hard work. and sacrifices. its no walk in the park. at the end of the day though, seeing their lovely, angelic faces can be extremely gratifying. that should be enough to get me through the night with a smile.

stuck in the middle of nowhere

my boss just sent me a note detailing stuff (i mean really detailing) we need to close urgently - i get the feeling she sent the mail also to convey (subtly) that we were moving quite slow with our project. i somewhat felt guilty because i knew it was true and i actually felt the same way. i'm not cut out for long-term projects because i like the quick-wins better cause it gives you that quick high (of success) like a drug. long-term projects can be boring and i'm finding it difficult to not only pick up where the project left off last time (which is nowhere) but work around the difference in time zones (US vs Asia). i printed the document my boss sent me and i've been staring at it for the last 30mins - sure i can read through it and i know i know what has to be done except that i stare at it and i can't visualize it. normally, i should be able to look at it and be able to visualize a pattern, like pieces of a puzzle falling into place but lately this has been a challenge. my head has slowed down, mainly because of the kind of work i've been doing for the past year and in part because i let it and spent most of my free time on my desktop pc. i suffer now for the consequences of my actions (karma), the world does figure out ways to get back at you.

i'm really stuck right now, moreso the pity cause i'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. again, i really need to figure something out. i've been having streaks of brilliance but they haven't been consistent ... and lasting - and i need to be really really brilliant now. there are a lot of things i need to do to clear my head up and i'd have to start working on getting back my old self. sometimes i can't help but think if this thing i'm going through, the not caring so much attitude, links up with when i made the resolve to forget & move on. i guess doing that made me lose a part of my soul and my heart. was it really worth it? getting my sanity and trading my heart, my emotions for it. maybe, in the short-term. pero soon i know, things are going to be easier. i'm counting down the days.

i don't know you anymore - savage garden

van & i can relate to this song a lot!
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I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but
Someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend
That you've forgiven me

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognise this place
The picture frames have changed
And so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

Springtime in the city
Always such a relief from winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold if you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda
Don't stop keep that chin up you'll be alright
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognise this place
The picture frames have changed
And so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day

So maybe I shouldn't have called
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn't really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognise this place
The picture frames have changed
And so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face

wrist pains

playing volleyball after a considerably long hiatus has its drawback - a sprained thumb & wrist.

i can barely use my right hand now.  it was even difficult eating ribs for lunch today cause

my it was kind of painful using the utensils to peel off the meat from the bones.

 

ugh ... pain.

quickies ...

quickies .... not the sexual kind .... =)

friday sucked big time when i woke up at dawn to check if the internet was working and it still was down from 3pm thursday. that meant i had to be at the makati office around 530am to be ready for my 6am meeting. and yes, i was the only one at the office during that time - nothing supernatural though. i was feeling kinda sicky by the time my meetings ended (around 1230pm) so arlene and i just went for lunch at pancake house and i decided to go home & rest right after i dropped her off the office. it was arlene's oce that day, means she's two terms ahead of me, means if i had not stopped for two terms, i would be taking my oce this term too. oh well, not really rushing but not really delaying. two terms to go - and i'm counting.

saturday was plant tour day and the last day for my first supply chain elective for this term. we went to diethelm at mampalasan for a glimpse of a world class factory and i have to say i was quite impressed. the factory was hi-tech with barcode scanners and a system that tells where to pick the items, very organized and very clean warehouse, and a long, long conveyor belt complete with sensors and fixed scanners. thankfully, after lunch there was a consensus not to go to another warehouse (IDS) down in pasig since (1) it meant we had to drive all the way to pasig from the south; and (2) my head was hurting bad already after the warehouse tour since it was pretty warm inside the building. i was slumped in bed when i got home. and i was craving for some soda. and i was dead tired. and by the way, internet was back that morning.

sunday started early since i had to be at la salle greenhills for the gsb sportsfest. while i didn't enjoy the volleyball games that much (since there were only a few, so-so players), i did enjoy the eyecandies. and there were quite a few of them worth stalking hahaha. we decided to call it quits around 230pm and instead of my original plan to take a shower at the gym, i went home. i was out of the house again by 445pm to attend a despedida. cindy & rod are leaving for singapore this wednesday so we had dinner at italianni's. pasta wasn't that good. salad was awesome. appetizer was so-so. loved the dalandan juice. cheesecake was alright. i am really going to miss cindy, rod and my god daughter camille. i am going to visit them, singapore isn't that far away and that expensive so i am pretty sure it'd be easy to swing by. here are some pictures (could have taken more but i was already running on low batteries physically that night).

starting over

i heaved a sigh of relief when the pc technician i brought my desktop to told me that my files were salvageable. it just needs to be transferred to another hard drive and then my old hard drive reformatted since turning it on & off the day before when the monitor wasn't working corrupted windows. i didn't think twice and bought another 160GB internal hard drive there and asked him to transfer my files, reformat my old hard drive and install windows xp back. i was actually glad for two things : one, that my files were safe (photo's & mp3s & tv shows) and two, that i didn't have to buy a new monitor (since i was eyeing already a lcd monitor). total cost was 4,500. ugh, unforeseen expenditures. well, at least that brought my hdd capacity to 320GB. hehehe

when i got home, it was actually a chore trying to reinstall most of the programs i normally use like utorrent, winamp, musicmatch, adobe photoshop cs, acrobat reader, newer itunes and replacing the antivir software with mcafee. this actually gave me a chance to sort of clean my hard drive - you know start with a more organized (read : OC) filing between both hard drives. mp3s & pictures on one drive. tv shows on another. delete all files & programs & whatevers that i don't use anymore. its a chance to start over.

while writing this, i wondered whether it was this easy to start over - new life, new friends, new career, new environment - new everything. is the difficulty worth it? or are we letting go of some things & some people that are worth keeping? i realized that if i was to start over, i probably will keep a "lot" of people and things. i do have friends that are meant for life and experiences that aren't that great but helped make me into the person i am today.

something's not working

i was playing browsing a clip from smallville yesterday when my desktop monitor at home suddenly died on me and despite my attempts to turn the pc on and off a number of times, it remained in its "off" state. i went to the gym instead hoping that when i get back, the "rest" period would bring everything back to normal. dead wrong. i tried hooking up the monitor to another desktop - nothing. the only other thing i need to check is whether the pc is working - so i need to hook up a test monitor later this morning.

if all else fail, i need to buy a new monitor - damn, another unexpected cash out! i could buy a similar crt monitor which is cheaper but i want this "monitor" instead! and i need to buy that today or i will die without my desktop.

are we this old now?

after school yesterday, i clumsily maneuvered through the side streets between makati and mandaluyong trying to figure out which was the fastest way to edsa shangri la. it was difficult to remember where the "shortcuts" were in mandaluyong having driven there last i think about ten years ago. i felt nostalgic having finally remembered where the right streets to turn to seeing familiar & not-so familiar structures. i passed by where odette lived back in college, vividly remembering times where we drove her home and picked her up for our overnights and gimiks. that really just seemed a few years back - and i was pretty excited to see my other college friends from the northside of town.

it took a while to figure out where to park and i had to stop and ask a guard for advice. when i got to the party place, there were a lot of people there already since i actually came in late (school over-extended that's why). the first one i saw was pam who looked quite beautiful and sexy (she didn't looked like she gave birth a few months ago). i sat down at our assigned table - happy to see familiar faces of dale, gummi, mon, marian, odette and their kids. there were a few celebrities in the event with pam being married to one (ian veneracion) - eula valdes, robert ortega, emilio garcia, jestoni alarcon and ogie diaz were the one's i recognize.

pam and ian's kids were a goodlooking bunch - draco takes from his dad and deirdre is pretty like her mom. i can't believe all my friends have kids now. sometimes i can't believe we're these 30+ something gang now, our lives very different from ten years back. it was a blast from the past seeing ampy and araceli at the party - they were student council officers during my college days. we realized we were still single and i guess we were silently hoping we weren't destined to be single. there's nothing wrong with being single i guess, for one i can flirt with whoever i want without having to think of the consequences. i guess, sometimes you crave to have someone to share life with, to talk, to go out and make out with (hahaha!). but hey who said you can't make out when you're single. i don't really know if i'm ready for a relationship, having been independent for quite awhile, i can get pretty "sakal" easily.

it was fun catching up with my college friends, having occasional chuckles talking about nonsense stuff. it was also nice seeing the kids. it was nice to see them laughing and having so much fun. i love kids - i love how they look so innocent and unmindful of the world's problems. how nice that the simplest of things can put a smile on their face. i love kids because it reminds me of my nephew - and how he'd knock at my door and how, despite a long day, it feels good to see him and get hugs & kisses from him. in another lifetime, i'm pretty sure i'd want to have kids. i know i'd be a good parent because with kids, i know how to be patient. that's the only thing i can be patient about.

when the party ended, we took a few more pictures and decided to schedule to meet for cindy's despedida. leaving ... that word sort of leave a bitter aftertaste ... lots of people i know are leaving ... cindy on the 15th ... jowell on dec1 ... who's next? ali? dj? trixy? some of them i'll probably see a few times a year while some i probably will never see again. i guess i should be thankful that in some way i've come to know them and that knowing them made life brighter, funnier and worth living. i wish everyone the best still ... and if its not too much to ask, to try and keep in touch.

for more pictures, click the link : duccio's christening & deirdre's birthday party

saturday

i'm sitting here listening to my professor talk about scanners, barcodes and rfids. the only thing that makes me feel relaxed right now is that despite the late start, i think our group came out with a pretty decent paper. we're scheduled to present our paper in the afternoon and i'm feeling confident about it. presentations is kind of second-nature to me now, having done so many presentations in the past nine years in intel. i can't remember the last time i had to do a term paper, its actually been quite a while and its good that i have this term to get myself ready for strama next term. i think i've always been quite good at writing term papers, and even better at reorganizing and making it presentable. i actually like making my paper and my presentations colorful. my belief is that having a presentable paper creates the impression that there was a lot of work done to acccomplish it.

i kind of feel sicky right now and i still have to go to a get together after school at edsa shangri la. i hope this feeling of like getting the flu doesn't push through - i have tight deadlines next week for my EMS project. i need to make this presentation "brilliant" so i can get off to a good start and secure that promotion i am looking for in april. i remain optimistic.

coasting

while i would have preferred not to leave the house last tuesday, we had a scheduled group meeting @ gloria jeans in fort bonifacio that night. surprisingly, i felt calm and collected during the meeting despite the paper and the presentation being due this coming saturday for our world-class warehouse management class. m's company isn't that complicated - its a small-scale business right now so the aca's won't be that complicated to formulate. wi-fi was supposed to be free @ gloria jeans but unfortunately, their wi-fi network was down that night - bummer! but hey, seems nice though that there are a few establishments offering free wi-fi nowadays. so i'm adding gloria jeans-fort and errr shell-magallanes to my short list. i guess the free wi-fi is just a come-on for gloria jeans since i find their coffee only passable. hey, i did like the walnut brownie though. as expected, traffic was slow when i went home and it took me a good 30mins @ 11pm to reach home along sucat road only.

lately, i feel like i've just been coasting through life - work & school. i've not been really putting a lot of effort to anything lately. that attitude really scares me. maybe its because a lot of people are moving out that it can be emotionally affecting most of the time. i'm not really worried about being left behind right now - i have a job and its success depends on how much work i put into it. the only thing that worries me is whether or not my hearts into this. i don't know how long "just trying to get by" can take me - probably not too far ahead to where i want to be. i am going to try work to getting back on track in the next couple of weeks. i am not losing hope.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

i miss my intel friends. more now that a number of them have left or are leaving. we did have good years together - really fun, happy gimiks that i could count. maybe they don't know or i haven't told them but I DO MISS ALL OF YOU. hopefully, our friendship doesn't end when they leave the company and that we can figure out a way to keep in touch. for those who's still waiting with me, we still have one another - we can still have fun times, if we make an effort. life goes on.

weekend wonderland

the weekend began as early as friday when i had to slip out for a couple of hours to take my mom and nephew to sm bicutan for some halloween costume shopping. mom was bringing jacob to a trick or treat event at her past office - its nice that she still gets invited even after she has retired already. we quickly snag jacob a sort of roman soldier costume but for some reason, he didn't want to try it on. later on, we'd realize that he's not going to put it on despite our prodding. after a quick bite at wendy's, jacob was pulling us to go where the carousel was and we ended up giving him a ride on the carousel and on the moving animals. i'm really amazed how fast my nephew is growing up and how he can form all of these sentences already. he still gets "bulol" at times but he is able to recognize a lot of things and signs and symbols and associate them. i always feel happy whenever i see my nephew's eyes light up because of excitement and sheer joy. it would be good to feel that way - to feel happy with the small things and small joys in life but as we grow older, we tend to make things (and life) more complicated.

i was not really up to partying friday night but since juan and phil was in town, i felt that it would not be proper to not spend time with them. we dined at cafe havana where the food, that was just so-so, was overpriced. i took a mental note never to dine in that yuck restaurant again - ever. we sat down at absinth right after, had better bottled san mig light, some sisig and when trixy got there, we both ordered the green fairy which was a mixture of absinthe and something. yeah, absinthe was the drink in the movie "moulin rouge." it didn't really tasted as good as we expected and it must have been the light but it was more blue than green. we both didn't really feel it that quickly but i think that was what kept my head spinning on the way home. i had to leave sometime past midnight since i had been awake for 23 hours already and had whole-day school the next day. mental note #2 - try not to drive again when uber groggy.

nothing much on a saturday. school was uber boring. i missed out on jesse's wedding (bummer!). bought a lot of dvd's which shoots up my backlog to like 150+ hours (series' included). managed to download a good copy of "superman returns" and load it up my ipod. did i say i love my ipod? ok, i love my ipod. hahaha

i was planning on spending sunday doing some ems work but friend d called up from the airport (just got back from hk) and invited me to watch a movie. we ended up seeing "the prestige" at rockwell. the movie was dark and twisty but both hugh jackman and christian bale delivered very good performances as battling magicians. i would have preferred to seeing a lighter film that didn't require so much attention but this film was satisfyingly enjoyable. i can't wait for hugh jackman's "wolverine" movie and while i enjoyed the x-men movies, i have to say i am fairly disappointed how far they have taken the story away from the comic books. and having been an avid fan of the x-men for a good number of years, i must say i hated it. christian bale is also set to reprise his role as the dark knight in the sequel to "batman." i actually liked christian way back when he starred in "newsies" which was a really good film by the way, and in "swing kids" opposite robert sean leonard (who's now seen in house m.d.). he was a very good actor since then and has been in a few more movies (american psycho, the machinist) that i can't really recall.

surprisingly, a lot of people are already going to the cemetery as early as sunday (see pic). traffic has been moving quite slow already that i can't decide whether to visit my dentist (to get the fracking wires cut off and adjusted) or go to the gym tonight. i guess considering that the holiday this week is only on nov 1 (wednesday) itself, people do not want to tire themselves so much and come back to work immediately the next day. i need to go and visit abet since i my plans got sidetracked to visit him during his death anniversary when i had to bring my nephew to the hospital. i owe him a visit - i just need to figure out how to weather through the traffic since i'm not a very patient guy. maybe i can just bike my way through on wednesday.

i still haven't adjusted going back from my US trip. 7pm still feels like bedtime and 12MN wake-up time. i thought the friday night partying will reset my body clock but i guess i was wrong. i probably will take some sleeping pills on tuesday night - after my group meeting.

sidebar : update on the gift buying plans - so far the US trip screwed up my plans on visiting the bazaars. i have some catching up to do except that the next two weeks is going to be uber busy with both work and school (yeah, dam'it!).

see you soon elmers

it was elmers last official visit to intel cv yesterday - going one last time to work on his clearance and submit some documents. elmer helped build CV1, or at least the layout part of it. it is ironic that elmers and i never (maybe barely) even spoke in college and somehow in the last 9 years we became good friends. back in college, we actually moved in different groups and pursued different interests. lea was the only person i was friends with that was really friends with elmers. i guess maybe it was our mutual love and spending for technology. or maybe it was through our shared experiences in having lea as a boss back then - our pet peeves and our issues that helped us forge a friendship. i am glad to be friends with elmers and his family, they're very good people - maasahan mo financially (though lately, it seemed it was the other way around between us ... oist, you still owe me!), everyday ka-IM at YM (alternate or sabay pa minsan, la kasi ginagawa), kakunchaba (sa MOA gimiks) at ka-gossip on the stuff that matters.

elmers & his family is moving to sydney tonight. can you believe it elms? it was our well-kept secret months ago, clandestinely talking about it (with a new blog pa about it) and now hopefully your family's dreams are coming true. the only consolation here is that i get free food, board & lodging when i step into sydney in the future. i will surely miss our daily chats particularly on our next big purchases (dslr's, macs, ipods, cars ... and the list goes on), company chika's, you asking me how much i earn? how much ang bonus? and asking me "pautang?" hahaha hey don't forget na we need to set up a "raket" ha? we both need the extra money di ba? wala pa tayong mac (imac or macbook ba?) e. elmers, i am going to miss you friend. good luck.

sidebar : try to blog more often via ur multiply or ur blogger. post pictures. keep us updated.

the agony of a canceled flight

everything is a little fuzzy now but i think it was around 820am (boarding time) when the ground crew announced that the flight was going to be delayed with an etd of 935am because of the weather conditions in LA. so i just tried to wait it out listening to my ipod tunes until around 945am or so when they announced that the flight has been officially canceled. bummer #1. it was my first time to have a canceled flight so i diligently fell in line when the ground crew asked us to if we had questions. it was after waiting for 20mins or so when a guy one person ahead of me asked what will happen to his international connecting that he was pointed to another booth. bummer #2. so i patiently left that area and went to the US Airways customer service wherein there were i think 10 people ahead of me with 4 service crew active - i thought "hmmm not bad, this wouldn't take long." i was dead wrong, each person took like 30-to-45-to-60 minutes to be serviced and i waited in that line for one hour and a half just to be told that (1) the earliest they can re-book me is at 1040am flight tomorrow; (2) i can be an standby for the flight tonight (but everybody is on standby); and (3) they're not going to rebook my cathay pacific flights and will not even shoulder if there are additional penalties since the weather is beyond their control. bummer #3. i asked for the number for cathay pacific and wow, i couldn't believe that since it was a sunday, there was literally NO ONE who can assist me from Cathay Pacific. i even opened my laptop then to check the cathay pacific website for any other number, zilch. bummer #4. so i ended up calling gizie and she gave me the number for american express travel which i called via my mobile phone (hahaha i didn't care about the roaming charges anymore) and they couldn't pull-up my file and while they were quite helpful, they couldn't do anything. useless travel agency. bummer #5. so i just proceeded to the baggage area to reclaim my luggages where the girl promptly told me it will take probably 45-60mins and i should just get lunch first - i didn't even realize it was already past noon that time. i settled for some whopper and fries at burger king and logged in to my laptop while i was eating. when i got back, she inquired about my luggages and it turns out they made it through to LA already. bummer #6. i think she felt sorry for me so she went and just gave me an overnight kit (containing toothbrush, deodorant, etc) and $75 discount certificate valid for one year (which i later on gave to gizelle). i decided to just proceed to the rental car building where i was shocked to see that there were like twenty people on line at hertz. it was another 30-45mins of waiting before i managed to get to the counter and the guy told me they only had mini-vans left. at this time i didn't even care how much the freakin' minivan cost so i just gave him my drivers license and amexco.

i met up with larry & gizelle at teakwoods where they were hanging out watching the football games where it turns out larry is a big fan of the denver broncos and i quite liked the arizona cardinals because matt leinhart is an awesome & ruggedly handsome quarterback. we went back to their house around 5pm where i managed to log in and i sent a note to my managers if i could buy some clothes. good thing i had a piece of clean undies on my carry-on (i was planning to take a shower at the lounge in HK when i got there). i didn't even wait for a reply back and just went to chandler fashion mall and bought 2 shirts at hollister - hahaha beat that! it was good that the travel agency back home (cavite) managed to rebook all of my flights so i am traveling on the night flight for cathay tomorrow. larry, gizie and i went to oregano's for dinner that night down in tempe where we waited for about 45mins to get a table. we had bread, salad and a pizza and the awesome pizza cookie (which i love so much).

when we got home, i was dead beat. it was then i realized that i didn't catch any major sleep last night so when i hit the sack, it was complete lights out for me.

sidebar : i sent my professor an email that i probably will not be able to make the midterms on wednesday just because my flight is just arriving that day. hopefully he is going to reply to my email or else i am going to die that day.

and the wait begins

i'm sitting by the gate waiting patiently for my flight to LA, half-asleep and half-awake at the same time. its 722am and my flight isn't until 852 - there's not a lot of people at the airport at this time. i prefer to sit here listening to my ipod play out senti tunes. having had little sleep last night, i feel groggy and exhausted right now. good thing the half slab of texas roadhouse i wasn't able to finish last night tasted as good this morning. if only i have my half-pint of haagen dazs butter pecan right now, waiting here would be perfectly comfortable. i wonder what people would think if i just lay down on top of these chairs here - they're not exactly comfortable but hey, times like these, they're better than nothing. leaving chandler always feels like i'm leaving home which is a bit weird considering that i feel exactly the same way whenever i leave manila. well who said you can't make homes in both sides of the world right?

while thinking of what title to put for this entry, i suddenly remembered mcb. yeah, mcb's chapter is ending - i guess it was forthcoming and i always knew it was only a question of when. i am really going to miss mcb. i'm counting down the days ...

loving the good stuff

giz, larry, ice, cherry, agnes and i had dinner last night at the cheesecake factory. it was a good thing cause i can't can't come and visit chandler without dining at the cheesecake factory. over the course of my two-week stay, i've visited chili's, pf changs, elephant bar, malee's, grazie, the cheesecake factory and tonight will be texas roadhouse. of course i also did a round of my fave fast food places panda express (i love this!), kfc and in-n-out. last night however, the cheesecake factory was packed with lots of people waiting to be seated. we didn't really wait that long for a table, around one bud-lite which i think i downed too quickly. as soon as we placed our order, agnes and i hurried over the apple store where she picked up her 30GB Ipod-Video and i managed to snag my uber cool-looking ipod rubber casing. i think my ipod looks hawt!!!

the food was already served when we got back and my thai chicken pasta never looked so amazing. it went well with the bud lite but i managed to gobble up only 1/4 of it since i already had half a pint of butter pecan from haagen dazs (insert sigh here!). fat - fat - fat - alright!!! everyone's food actually tasted excellent and i wasn't even sure if we had room for dessert. we finaly gave in to having three cheesecakes and they were all regrettably good that we had to finish most of it. ahhh, i love cheesecakes, and carrot cake (speaking of which i haven't had the delicious carrot cake from wildflower and bread at the mall). dinner was really good i was ready for bed when i got back to the hotel. i managed to catch portions of battlestar galactica's show that night and i have to say again, its one of the best sci-fi shows i've seen - ang galing!

need to find it back again

sometime when i moved to jt's group during the reorg a year and a half back, i somewhat slowed down a bit. the work was different, it did have its challenges but mostly after i've managed to reorganized everything it was smooth sailing from there. i had a lot of time on my hands and while i relished being able to breathe in nine years, it feels somehow that i lost some of the edge, and the drive for competition. i still do exceptionally well i suppose to have been handed a program manager job - and i look at it as a step-up since i seemingly now is at par with the other managers who got pm jobs as well. sometimes i miss working in the factory - the daily grind, the yosi breaks (i'm officially a year nicotine free, not that i've ever been addicted), the challenge of it all. it was stressful yes, but it did keep my brain on its toes. with this new job, i really need to find it again - the edge, the drive and commitment to succeed. the team who is working for me expects a lot from me, and while i know they seem cordial, i know there is still some doubt there. i have faith though and i know that that in itself is enough to weather me through.

winding down

my trip is winding down. these days i don't know if days go by faster or they drag on - but one thing i know is that i can't wait to get back home. i'm missing a lot from school already and its going to be midterms next week. there's so much stuff i need to read for school. this trip was actually one of the more busy trips this year and i feel like there is a huge burden on my shoulders right now with this ems project. sometimes i don't know if the challenge scares me but i've been quite emotion-deficit the past months. life has been good to me in general, probably not so much in the love zone, but i can say i been showered with a lot of blessings. i try to focus on those things these days - putting mcb on the backseat. "i'm fine. or its fine." is my usual retort whenever friends ask me how i feel about mcb and mcb's decisions of late. sometimes when i'm alone, the realization of never seeing mcb again haunts me - and it feels like soon there's going to be this big hole that will be difficult to fill. but what's important is that mcb's happy - and that is the only thing that matter.

i feel sad that the once fun and outgoing office barkada has changed so much the past year that it doesn't feel like home anymore. maybe we all got tired already of trying to make it work - bridging and trying to keep the friendships alive while we try and take a hold of our busy lives. nowadays, i try to just think how lucky i was to have met so many wonderful people. and i find comfort in that.

am i a shopaholic?

so i did say that i wasn't going to buy a lot of stuff (clothes, shoes, whatevers) during this 2-week trip but somehow i ended up with a few more things that i wanted to avoid. i went to DSW just to tag along morgan who was trying to find some hiking shoes and i ended up seeing a white adidas samba that left me craving for it until the next day that i finally gave in and bought it. and since i was in an unusually "shoppery" mood, i decided to check out some of my favorite stores - old navy, gap, hollister and abercrombie & fitch. i must have been on lucky streak since i even managed to buy really good bargains out of the tommy hilfiger store in arizona mills. and just so you know, i got two uber nice shirts at the kids section of hilfiger (size "L" fits me). i also got a nice yellow-jacket from hilfiger at $20 bucks - it was such a bargain i was elated the whole time. so i got a few shirts from old navy, 2 from tommy, 2 from hollister, 1 from a&f and 1 from american eagle outfitters. oh yeah! and i've decided to get an 30GB ipod+video but i'm still planning to do that in the next couple of days i guess.

if you noticed the stuff i bought, they're very casual. i'm no longer really a big fan of long and short-sleeves shirts these days - kakatamad e! shirts & jeans just look more way cool (at least for me) and i don't have a whole bunch of flat-front pants to go match with my shirts --- pag sinipag ako, i'll start shopping for some "yuppie" and semi-formal clothes. shopping is therapy that's why i guess i love it so much.

*this blogging about stuff shopped is patterned after "dose of x" who is a co-shopping addict.

Friday Night Lights

we went to tempe friday and had dinner at monti's feasting on some free nachos & cheese and some really delicious steak. we had a few bud lites with our steak before we headed to an irish bar where i had a black velvet which turns out to be ginnis beer and champagne. it was quite a new drink but i had no problem downing it. we moved to another bar after where we had a few more bud lites and later on through prodding we did two shots - first of something that somewhat resembled gin pomelo (hahaha) and another chocolate cake (didn't know that was a drink too). i was quite buzzed when i got home that night.

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Thursday @ Scottsdale

arjun was kind enough to invite jessica, morgan, mindy and i to the dinner for the folks here on training. dinner was at grazie in scottsdale which turns out to be an italian restaurant serving pizza among others. we had a few bottles of red wine to go along with the pizza, the bruschetta, calzone and the yummy kebabs. there were quite a number of folks who attended the dinner and most went to get dessert at sugar bowl. i had a yummy butter pecan ice cream. as others decided to go to some bar (turns out to be martini ranch), i decided to go home early with arjun and mindy cause i was feeling beat.

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Los Dos Molinos

our supposed to be small dinner get together turned out to be a night for margarita as a bunch of travelers here in arizona was game for a night out. it was still wednesday but we were all ready to have a relaxing evening. los dos molinos, it turns out is quite far and secluded but the margarita was actually quite good. i keep forgeting that its really getting cold in chandler when i donned my sleeveless hooded shirt, cargo shorts and flipflops - ugh! it was actually a quite fun night, just a couple of margaritas to keep the blood warm and some mexican food.

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should i or shouldn't i?

i was thinking of getting a more lightweight music player so i was weighing on buying an ipod shuffle. of course, browsing through the web and looking at the ipods, i am actually drawn now to buy either an ipod nano or an ipod video. the 1GB shuffle is perfect for the gym - just clip it and i'm ready to go. besides 240 songs is more than enough for the gym and its $79 only. the ipod nano however can pack more songs with the 2GB at $149. then there's the ipod video, the 30GB is retailing at $249 and by showing my intel ID at the apple store, i get a 6% discount which offsets the tax a bit. the ipod-video actually looked cool playing videos but i was thinking when will i be able to watch the videos on my ipod anyway? a friend also tells me that apple might release a new video ipod with a bigger screen the next year or so. so should i buy for function (video) or need (music)? i have to ask though when the shuffle is coming since i passed by the apple store today and it said there "coming soon." ugh, the agony of wanting and not knowing what to do with my 40GB ipod+photo.

mariah carey live

a friend managed to get tickets to the mariah carey concert last night at US Airways Center and so i was looking forward to seeing mariah perform live. the place was actually packed full and everyone waited patiently while busta rhymes opened up the show. i'm not really a hard fan of street rap but i have to say seeing busta rhymes onstage made me appreciate the hip-hop, rap feel of the songs. i am definitely going to check out his album when i get back in manila next next week.

it was actually another long wait setting up the stage after the opening act but when mariah came out and belted her first song, i was immediately mesmerized. what was great about the concert is that she sang most of her classic favorites like vision of love, always be mcbaby (errr ... my baby pala hahaha), shake it off, i'll be there, dreamlover, fantasy, fly like a bird, hero, its like that, thank God i found you, heartbreaker and for her encore - we belong together. seeing mariah carey live made me realize why i loved her songs so much and why she was such an awesome singer. i was still giddy right after her last number and was humming her songs during the ride home. awesomeness!!!!

back in az

i'm back in az. the weather is actually nice at this time of the year. it can still get hot in the daytime but early evenings is pleasant enough i'm tempted to wear sleeveless. i got in around 7pm last night to the hotel after fifteen hours of flight time (not including the waiting time) and i was pretty beat that i wished i could just get 8-hours of sleep straight. it wasn't hard to doze off after taking a hot shower except that i was awake around midnight. i couldn't sleep back so i did what any abnormal guy would do - i read the EMS materials (hell yeah) and when i couldn't take it anymore, i ironed out my clothes (productive di ba?), burned a couple of cd's for the car (which by the way, i requested for a mid-size at $15 more hahaha. SUV sana pero $50 more e), and then just finally decided to watch episode 2 of battlestar galactica, season 3. BSG is just the best sci-fi show right now i can't wait for the next episode.

the day went by quite fine with me feeling groggy the rest of the afternoon save during the activity sessions. its a miracle i am functioning quite well despite the exhaustion. i suddenly feel homesick right now - i do miss the people back home. i haven't seen ice or migs today since the f2f is in ocotillo. it was nice to see gizie - i missed her a lot. and i can't wait to see larry too. am i ready for the restaurant tour - part 2, hmmm probably hahaha. i can't wait to hang out with arjun, papeco, jessica, mindy and the rest of the gang. gotta have 'em margaritas.

lack of words

i haven't really been up to writing anything in this space for the past few days. it might be the lack of stuff to talk about or i may have been a bit pre-occupied with the need to write two reaction papers to reading articles for my digital technology class. i noticed lately that its getting harder for me to hold on to a thought, i'm always dazed and confused. i probably just have a lot in my head now - what with the upcoming trip and mah head racing to figure out how to study and manage the requirements for the trip at the same time. i gotta bring the damn textbook on sunday -how sad is that? and i got to figure out a way to get the school handouts for warehouse management so i can read through it. my e.m.s knowledge is zero right now and already i have tons of material i have to sort through. pressure.

a few friends at work are really hardset in leaving the company. i feel sad that i probably never see them again but if their decision will make them happy and better off, then i wish them the best. people are just meant for different things. we should go after that which makes us happy.

fortunately for me, i get my kicks from just 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream. and some lemon chicken.

after the storm

power went out around 9am yesterday and that left me staring at the ceiling for hours. no internet so no more office connection. i decided to cancel all of my remaining meetings for the day. the winds were merciless as it battered down trees, houses and electric posts. i could hear it literally howling through the one window opened in my bedroom. this was one of the strongest typhoons i encountered and it was a good thing everyone in the family was home. jacob didn't really understand why there was no power as he remain insistent to open the television. good thing my laptop had an extended battery plus an extra battery you can just chug in place of the dvd. it had enough juice to let me watch up to 4 tv shows - that's where 3 1/2 hours of my day went. i slept through the other hours - nothing much to do so might as well catch up on sleep. i think i texted almost everybody in my address book - hahaha, i was bored so i wanted to chat with some of 'em. some were polite enough to reply, other's probably didn't have any load or their lines cut off for not paying their bills --- hahaha, kidding! as i write this blog, there's still no power back home and i contend myself with charging most of my portable devices here at the makati office. boring boring boring. i probably should force myself to do that mapday agenda for my trip next, next week but somehow, motivation has departed me. i debate whether i should pass time in a restaurant somewhere but i'm not sure if i'm really up for it. its really a lazy day today, probably one of the best days to just lie down and watch dvd's if only there was power. i was thinking of going to the gym today but b texted me the gym was closed today. major bummer. supposed to see gym crushie but i guess i'd have to wait and see gym crushie monday na lang.

cramming

and so i woke @ 1am and prepped a 1 teaspoonful instant coffee (sorry no starbuck's in sight), started typing my (school) case analysis and managed to get through the case background and problem statement before my mind wandered off. total time for that : 1 hour, 20 minutes. is it me or are thoughts just hard to come by lately? maybe i am distracted too much. ugh.

hopefully i get to finish this case by 7am. call into my morning meetings and figure out a way to get to the makati office quickly. times like these, i wish i could teleport or be in two places at once. cramming. stupid habit i can't get out. its bad enough i get distracted easily. ugh. bad me.

friendships & goodbyes

nine years ago, i made a big decision of moving from an otherwise secured, promising marketing job in suyen corporation. if i had not left then, i'll probably be earning as much as bree, have a company car and be traipsing around paris, bangkok or hongkong. i never regretted packing up and moving to intel since then - intel opened up a lot of opportunities for me - travels, free school and honing both my technical and managerial skill. it was a job i think i was destined for and i continuously challenged myself to be better. the only thing that pained me about leaving my friends back then - bree, minky, mm, alan & jackie. bree, minky and mm were college friends, jackie was a fellow la sallian and alan was a cool store manager back then. i worked with bree, minky, jackie and mm for a year and nine months and we shared mostly everything - food, dreams, aspirations, joys and sorrows. we were out almost every night back then (ok, so we were in our early 20's) with movies, dining out and shopping. those were really fun times. while most except for bree moved to different companies - minky to swarovski, jackie to avon, alan to f&h and mm to who-knows-where, i've managed to form a lifelong friendship with bree, alan and jackie. its true that bree is the one that i see most often (having been classmates since high school) but the times i can count that we get together are times when it seems we were only together a few days back. its the same thing i have with my college friends, that while we don't see each other that often doesn't diminish the friendship we have - it only grows stronger. i feel fortunate that i have found lifelong friends, probably in every new place i went to. though admittedly there are some friendships i would have wanted to keep, i guess God had other plans for us that's why it had to end.

over the years, i have gotten more mature, wiser and more responsible. i stopped trying to please other people and i've made sure not to make any pretensions about who i am, what i feel, how i act - whether they label me as bitchy or "laitero." i've embraced the attitude that people should like me for who i am and not for who they want me to be. its much safer that way, there are no surprises and no plastic moments. i don't try to conform and i take rainchecks every now and then. at least that way, the friendships i make are real and i know those who stick are people who accepts me.

what does the future hold for each of us? some of my friends have packed their suitcases to start their lives anew in another country. there are a lot still who moved out or is planning to move out or who will be moving out of intel. people are making big decisions left and right and they're taking charge of their lives - this is actually a good thing. i always believed in "taking chances" - ok, so maybe in most things but not in matters of the heart. there are still some things admittedly that i am not that brave yet in facing - mcbaby is one of them. i've accepted the fact that people come and go in our lives and those that we were meant to be friends with somehow survives the separation. these are the friendships that lasts a lifetime. at least now its easier to keep in touch (if we make an effort) - there's e-mail, texts and instant messaging.

for now, tight hugs & a wish good luck.

how much can we love

a asked me the other night if its possible to be in love with somebody now and still be in love with a past. it wasn't really an easy question to answer so i decided to leave it hanging until i could sort out a proper answer. regardless of how much i argued, the only answer (and this is my personal opinion) i have is "yes, its possible." i believe our heart is big enough to be capable of loving somebody else with the same intensity accorded to a current beau. if the question is whether its wrong to feel that way - then the answer is "it depends." nobody can forget a first love, or the real kind you thought would last forever. memory is a cruel thing and will constantly remind you of both the sweet and painful memories. this is why i was saying that if erasing one's memory (ala eternal sunshine of the spotless mind) is possible, then everyone would probably be better off - living in a borrowed utopia. loving your past is not wrong if you leave it at that - the past. it becomes wrong only if it holds you from moving on with your life, or holding yourself from loving somebody else. the real truth is that there are just some love that hits us, leaves its mark and stays with us - forever.

losing a friend

i got this via email and thought about putting it here. sums up nicely everything.

losing a friend
Copyright © 1999 Haley Zettler

I know we don't talk,
We're not really even friends
But I want you to know I'll be there,
Through the thick and through the thin
I wish we could still be close,
Like the way things used to be
I was there for you,
And you were there for me
Even though we're never talking,
Or together hanging around
I just want you to know,
I'll always be here to pick you up when you're down
So even though we're no longer friends,
You can always come to me I have a shoulder you can cry on,
A soul on which you can lean
Remember me next time you cry,
I'm here to help,
To be with you
Side by Side

a place of dwindling fun

the one thing i realized going to the cavite office is how much people have changed over the past years - literally and emotionally. a number of the people i started work with nine years ago have moved on outside the country or some to pursue other opportunities. while losing them has been difficult, meeting new faces have been a blessing as well. despite the daily grind, being with friends was something to look forward to. i looked forward to spending time with them. sure, there were times it was tempting to pack up, complain how much work needed to be done and feel under-compensated for it, but i knew from the start i was made for this job - so i stuck with it. in a way, nine years after i feel rewarded and the investments in relationship i made somehow made it possible. the office today looks and feels different - i sometimes feel like i don't know anybody there anymore ('course except for a few folks) what with the new folks and groups and people having different priorities now. we don't go out to the occasional friday movie & coffee, or the "kapihan" sessions, or the "wala-lang, hang-out lang" anymore. i do miss the old days. its not that fun anymore, and most of the time, i feel like going to cavite is a chore so i don't bother anymore. of course there are people there i miss hanging out with, but i get to hangout with them weekends sometimes. with my new role and the need to have more US contact time, i'll be pulling my work hours so going to cavite is no longer a requirement.

at times i wish i had a time machine - and i can go back to when it used to be more fun ... with some of the few fun people from the present.

birthdays, bloopers & unplanned spendings

heidi celebrated her birthday with an invitation to dinner at their house in pasig last friday. heidi and i go way back in college and we were groupmates in almost all subjects and thesis mates. it was good to see my college friends again specially now that our number is thinning out with some following the others who have moved out of the country a few years back. i expected the food to be a culinary delight since heidi's family are into the catering business and having dined numerous times at their house during overnights back in college, i was all set for some uber yum food. and i wasn't disappointed.

i found out just how small the world really is back during one of our group overnights when it heidi turned out to be the first cousin of someone i was crushing on back in high school. i wasn't surprised then when L came to the party, after all, heidi & her cousins are close. its ironic though that of all the people i would see fifteen years after high school turns out to be L ('course not counting my friends and those who work at intel). L and i moved in different circles back in high school, each enjoying different popularities. i was pleasantly surprised then as we were leaving and i flashed him a smile when he smiled back and extended his hand. as i shook it i thought how funny that this was the first time i think that i really met him.

nothing really, just nice to see someone from way back.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-= oOo =-=-=-=-=-=-=-

still groggy from sleeping late last night, i still managed to beat my alarm clock morning to get ready for school. i made sure i had a hearty breakfast (which was more like a super early lunch) of rice, nilagang ribs and lumpiang shanghai - yeah, i'm stupidly pigging out on rice lately. i got to school 20 minutes past nine and was frantically searching for my classroom on the board when i realized "shit, i think this elective if differently scheduled." i managed to scan through the bulletin boards to finally confirm that my saturday classes starts september 30. stupid.

i sat down in one of the benches to figure out what to do since i was in makati already when my celfone rang. jap, turns out to be my saving grace - she missed out the schedule too. hahaha double whammy. we spent the next thirty minutes laughing at our hilariously stupid mistake.

i spent the better part of the day hanging out, and finally meeting the last of the lawyer "barkada" - jing, who coincidentally were friends with jim, dino and ramil.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-= oOo =-=-=-=-=-=-=-

i got a text from baby bro :

"big bro, pumasa sa test c tin ... sa pregnancy test. yehey."

congrats baby bro. you're going to be a dad soon. i am very happy for you.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-= oOo =-=-=-=-=-=-=-

i was deadset on staying home sunday to read 130 pages of my information technology textbook when bree called up and invited me to go malling and watch "john tucker must die." bree needed to do some shopping since he was going to paris on tuesday. and since i was in the mall already, i decided to tag along - wrong decision. after two stores, i had on hand 6 shirts and 2 belts - and here i was telling myself that i should hold off buying any more shirts because there's literally no more space in my closet. oh well, the stuff i bought weren't that expensive and besides, i need some new clothes for school and for my upcoming US trip.

a very productive weekend if i may say so ....

coming back

the school term starts today - and last night for some reason i felt uneasy having to attend another weekday class. its been a while since i had night school, cause the last term i was on leave and the term before that was just taking my written comprehensive exams and a saturday class. its probably because i'm not used to going home late during weekdays lately that's bugging me or maybe the challenge of trying to stay focused on what the professor is going to yak about for 3 hours. hopefully there's going to be some eye candy in school - that will make going more motivating (chuckle!). what i hate about first days is that i'd have to go through introductions, reviewing the boring syllabus and hoping that i know someone in class so its easier come grouping time. unfortunately, whether i'm ready for school, its all a moot point now. there's no turning back now.

love not easy

i was exchanging e-mail yesterday with an old friend about the woes of not being able to find a lasting relationship, including our heartache of loving the wrong people almost all the time. there was this question "do you find love? or does love find you?" that i have been itching to write about since last week but couldn't collect enough thoughts to put something that's comprehensible. personally, i am making a choice about no longer trying to search and find love but this time around, i am going to let it try and find me. i have always been a firm believer of the old adage "if its meant to be, then it will happen." so i'm putting my heart in that basket. i think the past heartaches has taught me a very important lesson - why love someone who can't love you back? or love someone who love somebody else? or love someone who don't care about you to begin with? ha! i've honestly stopped being bitter about the sad state of my lovelife right now and decided to just focus on the positives i have in life. its not true i don't have someone to work for - i have myself & my family. its not true i don't have a last call for the day - i talk to Him everynight. its not true that being alone is lonely - sometimes maybe, but its only lonely if you let it. the world doesn't have to revolve on one single person alone, the object of your affection because happiness does not rest on that single person. happiness is within us and if we let go of all the bitterness, all those feeling-sorry-for-ourselves sentiments, then i am sure we will know more happiness in this world.

life is a canvas. its up to us to choose the colors to paint it with.
and i choose to relish in all the colors life has to offer.