reflecting on what love is about

over the past few days, i've been beset with news and stories of broken hearts, failed relationships, probable reconciliations, divorces, separations and betrayals. i don't know if its because of the mood i've been in since i got back but it seems the world is throwing me these stuff with a smirk on her face. what is love really? is it really that fleeting and worthless to throw away even if you've already invested years into it? or should love really be blind to his or her faults - or does that just make one foolish? when do you really find the perfect one? i used to think that i have found the perfect "one" - my "can't live without, can't live & breathe without, i heart you with all of me" person but all that did was leave me with a broken heart. all around me, i see people in failed relationships - and maybe that's part of the whole cycle where we build stronger hearts, stronger emotions and all that get-well crap. for me right now, i'm starting to think that love probably isn't that great anymore. the romance in me is dying. maybe love is just a fairytale - the kind of stuff you just read about and watch in the movies. i, for one, will start living for the here and now. no more fairytales.

good day

i was pleasantly surprised to receive a text from one of my mba classmate from a number of terms ago sharing the good news that she passed her oce (oral comprehensive exam) already. what was heartwarming is that she said she followed how i presented in one of our previous classes wherein i always smiled at the panel despite the sometimes difficult & nagging questions. it made me happy because in a way at least i managed to share something that she felt was valuable. so right now, i will just be waiting for her party invitation to celebrate her upcoming graduation.
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elmers & i had lunch with degs yesterday at superbowl (jupiter branch), some sort of i guess a final get together before degs & michelle move to sydney, australia this coming weekend. michelle, unfortunately coulnd't make it since she was still busy packing up stuff. there's always mix feelings seeing your friends move on - there's a bit of sadness knowing you may probably never see them again (except for the occassional visits) and glee because you know the next road for them is an adventure. i'll always remember degs because i was the one who hired him in intel and i am very proud of what he has accomplished in his short stay. goodluck to both degs & michelle as they build a new life in the land down under.
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cinds & i had dinner at oyster oyster last night. it wasn't planned actually - i just finished my workout and cindy just got into the gym and the pasaway that she is, decided we should have dinner na lang. i was ok with it cause i wasn't paying as cindy owes me from her team france losing to italy in the world cup finals. oyster oyster was actually nice. the oyster rockefeller was delicious, the caesar salad could've have used better lettuce but the shrimp & oyster in it was good, the sweet corn soup wasn't that good for me, but the duck wrapped in pita was actually delicious if only it didn't hurt biting into the pita with my dang braces.
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cindy introduced me to zhen de shou which is a chinese, herbal fat loss/appetite suppresant kinda pill. i'm going to buy hydroxycut this weekend and then buy that zhen de shou too. i will try the zhen de shou first and hopefully, i will get rid of all my flabs cause i really want to have killer abs. ambitious.
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my friend dadra e-mailed me that he's been feeling blue these days - work, life and love. the latter being the leading cause of the blues lately. i'm trying hard not to think about mcbaby - my hunches as i expected were correct. seems like my prayers have been answered - hopefully this piece of news makes it easier to move on. bakit kaya when i say that, there's just this heavy thing in my chest? just need to keep myself busy & exhausted so i don't have time to think about mcbaby anymore.

overanalyze this

dear mcbaby,

i was absentmindedly pulling the tab of the easy-open can of campbell's soup last night when i pulled it up so fast and slashed my right ring finger. i knew it was a deep cut because i felt it and it was bleeding profusely. i washed it in running water quickly for a good minute before i went to get some cotton and taped it tightly. i only took the taping off after i had some dinner since my finger was already turning blue because i had to wrap the taping tight. i dabbed some alcohol onto the cut and then re-taped it after a while (since it still wouldn't stop bleeding). normally, i only get minor scratches here and there but this was one of the majors in a long time.

that incident made me realize how nice it would be if cuts like these can replace all of the emotional turmoil i've gone through in the past few weeks. it was quick, painful and bleeding, but it lasted only a few minutes and i was fine right after- just need to buy some band aids though. in an emotional rollercoaster, it takes a really long time to recover, and sometimes other people without you meaning to gets dragged in. i think my greatest flaw in being an oc (obsessive compulsive) is that i tend to over-analyze stuff (probably cause that's how i was trained, work-wise) and give meaning to an otherwise useless bit of info. but usually, my derivatives turn out correctly. i think God gave me a sign that its time to move on (from you) and i felt silent when i realized it. silence is indeed the most powerful cry. i felt silent because it made me sad. the only consolation here is that if what is happening is true, then i won't get to see you lots anymore, and that probably will make things easier.

i guess there are more important things to think about right now than a broken heart.

cheers to that,
yuan*

ps. i removed the tape from my cut and it started bleeding again - had to re-tape it. now i'm wondering whether i should get some stitches and tetanus shot for it. =(

mud biking - 072206

I wasn't really sure whether I was going to go biking but I decided to go nonetheless so I can spend time with my office friends. As usual, I got to the meeting place first (like I always do) and nobody was quite there yet --- typical. I was surprised because there were actually a lot of people going biking on that leg of daang hari. The folks arrived one at a time in the following order (the scale of lateness) : jowell, joseph, ricky, ali+iam, trixy, ice, and finally agnes. I was hoping bene could come biking since its been a while since I last saw him (bene, was the first one who greeted me on my birthday this year). He is a one of the nicest fellow I know of. I didn't expect jowell to join the bike ride either and was surprised when he arrived biking (from alabang).

The bike ride started light - a good 5-10 minutes of paved road. The "fun" started when we reached the end of the paved road and we started exploring the dirt road. Initially, there were just a few portions that were muddy and most easily navigated these. On the first route we took, we had to turn back because the trail was fenced at one end. The next trail brought us to a single, super muddy forest like route. This is where our mountain bikes quickly turned from clean to extremely dirty - and I do mean extremely dirty. I actually didn't mind so much the mud on my legs and how heavy my shoes were from all the mud clinging to it. I think this is the first time I gotten downright dirty like all get out. It was actually kind of fun doing that and I had fun taking lots of pictures along the way. It was at the point when some finished off their water that we made the decision to turn back from the trail we were going, which I think was the right decision considering we have decided beforehand that we were going to go to the alabang area first to get our bikes cleaned. The shortcut through the fenced area cut the trip back by a good 30mins and we stopped over a sari-sari store where a cold pop-cola was a welcome refreshment (so ok, I'm supposed to not drink carbonated drinks anymore). We finished the trail around 1230 (I think) and then biked some more to get to alabang. Surprisingly, the ride to alabang wasn't that exhausting, maybe because it wasn't scorching hot. There wasn't any car wash at Caltex so we had to bike some more to the shell station. Seeing the hi-pressure water pump taking off all the dirt & mud from my bike made me think how nice a shower would feel at that time. We contented ourselves though with washing the dirt right off our legs and then got a cab to take us back while iam stayed to watch our bikes.

We decided to have a late late lunch at mcdonalds where we laughed our hearts out reminiscing the comedic moments of our bike ride. I really missed hanging out with my intel friends - there's always a lot of laughter when I'm hanging with them.

more pictures here : mud biking - 072206

life goes on

when i was back in the US, i didn't think much of the planned layoffs partly because it didn't cross my mind that i maybe affected by it. hearing paul's webcast yesterday and the talks circling around about who got the pink slips, the reality that no one is safe started to sink in. for the first time in 10+years of my employment, i have to admit i am a bit worried about the possibilities. i'm worried not because i am a poor performer, because on the contrary i think i have built a solid career and reputation at work, but there are no guarantees right now that these are enough to weather me through the coming storm. i am praying that it will be enough.

i think what is happening is pushing everybody into a crossroad - it is really a time of re-evaluating ourselves, career-wise that is and start formulating our plan B's and C's. i've already submitted my resume to some three companies in the US - just taking some chances i guess. i mean peter got a job in singapore by applying online so why not take that chance right? talking to some collegues made me realize that while the times will be dark in the coming months, it shouldn't stop us from living our lives or let the dread take over our lives. we need to focus and still show our value in the work that we do - we owe that not to the company but to ourselves. at the same time though, we need to be prepared. its a good thing i managed to settle all my credit card bills already and my car loan from intel will be fully paid by july 25. after july 25, i can say i am 100% debt-free, that has such a nice ring to it, debt-free. i've elected my spp's to quicksale by august and i've withdrawn my 10% spp contribution already. i'm trying to be more liquid in the coming months.

ali told me that many are thinking of canceling the cdo trip in lieu of the circumstances. the idea crossed my mind but i realized i deserve this vacation and it doesn't have to be an expensive trip. so if i somebody is still willing to go, then i am still in. the cebu trip though might be something we will have to cancel. but the white water rafting in cdo is an experience, and i'm not willing to give that up just yet. ali is right, if this maybe a last getaway with intel friends, then what better way to spend it than out there. this thing we're going through is not the end of the world, rather it is a turning point in our lives and later on, we'll realize that things aren't always as bad as it seems. basta trust in the goodness of the Lord.

when its time to say goodbye

recent events made me realize the sad reality that there are no certain things in this world. as we walk past this life, we realize that people come and go, whether its of their own choosing or its by circumstance or they just need a nice, long break. the news from last week about the company cutting 1,000 managers worldwide made everybody anxious - "will i have a job after the 1st wave? or the 2nd wave? or the 3rd wave?" seeing that there is really no job security right now, and where even performing managers become redundant makes me question what am i doing in this company? i've worked the past nine years to get to where i am today, building networks and upgrading my technical skills so i can earn the respect of my peers. it did seem that i was made to work in a dynamic environment like intel. at the start of the year, i was determined to make my work interesting but the flame that burned brightly that time soon faded and i was, for the first time in 9 yrs, updated my resume and was checking what my options were outside the company. my heart wasn't really into it so i wasn't really actively seeking employment elsewhere. i told myself i am going to finish my mba before i make plans like consider moving to another country or probably see, this time seriously, where else i can put my talents to good use. a lot of people i know, and i do mean a lot, are migrating to another country - australia, canada and new zealand tops the list. i always said working in the US seemed to be written in the palm of my hand - maybe that was a sign or a gut feel.

i am saddened though that some people i know will be leaving the company, some earlier than the others. they are moving to a new chapter in their lives while i write a continuation of my current story. i don't know yet when this chapter in my life is ending but as with all stories, it has to have an ending.

being back feels different

dear mcbaby,

being back feels different. i didn't quite think so much about you during my long, tiring trip back and seeing you again didn't give me that familiar excitement. i don't know if i was just tired, sleepless and jetlagged or maybe i've finally managed to think some things through during my last week in chandler. it'll be funny if i can let go of you that easily after a good number of years being in love with you. trixy gave me a long list of what and what not to do including the why's and the why not's and somehow i still don't know which path leads to less hurt. when it comes to you, there's really no easy decisions, only painful ones. i am sure glad right now i am dealing only about my heart issues while my friends are beset with their own career & life decisions. its during these times that i appreciate having friends who knows about you and understands how i feel about you and just gives me the low-down nonetheless. they are really my source of strength during these conflicting and difficult times. i don't think i would survive you without having their hands to hold. i will always be eternally grateful to having them in my life.

i really wish there was some easier way out of this mess - for all my being OC and all, i can't sort this part of my life. i think i need more time away from you - not because i don't want to see you because i know i want to. i really only have myself to blame for all of this di ba? i chose to fall in love with you knowing there was really no future for us. i thought that if i hoped and prayed enough that maybe i can have something much better than what i have with you today. pero don't worry, i really won't be bothering you anymore with my drama moments and all, no more sweet nothings and text messages and instant messages. i still wish you all the best always and like before, i pray for you each night to find the right person for you, the one who loves you as much as i do and who would want to grow old with you, much like in the picture of us i keep in my heart.

yuan*

friday magic madness

my last day in az started out with an unexpected turn of events on the results of the systems explore face-to-face much to the disappointment of both the ccsd and ccie folks who attended the now defunct download session. i could see arjun was extremely disappointed when our eyes crossed during the very brief download session. we decided to just head out for lunch at pei wei's which was actually one of my favorite restaurants in az (introduced to me back when cynthia & nev used to be my tour guides in chandler). at least lunch was good enuf to whisk away what just happened.

juan and i met larry and gizie at malee's in scottsdale around 720ish and since we were only a small group, there was a table ready for us. we got around munching on some fried mushy crab dumplings (?) and then later on had my uber favorite pad thai noodles, drunken dragon noodles, yellow curry chicken and then tropical pineapple (shrimp, scallops & chicken). the tom yum soup we had before the meal was excellent - it was the perfect tom yum soup i had ever. needless to say, we left the place smiling at what an awesome dinner it was. since papeco, mindy & jessica will be meeting us much later, we decided to hang out at one of the sports bar, giligins. now giligin's is a cool, unpretentious hangout place to be if you're in college or something because beer was cheap. we had a pitcher of bud light which was a bit stale while we chatted a bit. the only saving grace of giligins was that there was this super goodlooking blonde which i thought looked uber HOT!!! gizie agrees super hawt daw!

we decided to go to another bar right after, the name of which escapes me now and had 2 more bud lights (4 bud lights na, raise the bar!!!!) where larry's friend, brent, joined us for a few drinks. mindy popped out soon and told us they will be hanging out at sugar daddy's and will meet us there. we left soon after we finished our drinks and decidedly was planning to ditch them by pretending i was drunk (well tipsy was more like it). now since i have not been always good at saying "no" on the phone (especially on gimiks), i couldn't say "no" to jess when she gave me the "i stayed here in phoenix at my own expense for your last night. don't ditch us." geez, who can say "no" to that? guilty guilty. hahaha

so we said we'd stay for some 30 mins and met up with mindy, jessica and papeco. now these guys were bent on getting me drunk so they ordered 1 round of washington apple (crown royal, sour apple pucker & apple cranberry juice) and jess ordered me a redbull vodka drink. we were actually having a lot of fun that before we knew it, we were having our 4th round of washington apple and i was sipping on my redbull vodka drink non-stop on the side. we didn't mind taking lots of pictures, even convinced papeco to show us his very sexy six-pack abs (inggit!). it was surprising to see papeco drinking a lot that night being the disciplined gym-goer that he is toting his protein bars and protein drinks everywhere. we finished probably around 1am and decided to go home since jess and papeco both had early flights that morning.

i decided to ride with jess, mindy & papeco since most of us were staying at the windmill. mindy was our designated driver that night and this time around we decided to drive papeco's PT cruiser with the top down - no "winds of hell" this round. we were feeling 80's music and belted our hearts out to tiffany's "i think we're alone now" (baduy no!), poison, wham, madonna and a whole array of artists until we got to the windmill. i gave mindy, jessica & papeco big strong hugs because i am really going to miss hanging out with them. the past seven weeks with these people have been really awesome - from lunches watching the world cup at teakwoods, drinks at mcduffy's watching the phoenix suns, and those late night margaritas at kona grill. i will surely miss them but i am glad we went and stayed at sugar daddy's more than the 30mins we planned for, it was a great night to cap my seven-week trip.

more pictures @ late night in az - 071406

stressfull thursday

the face-to-face went from awful to near fiasco with some trying to further their own agenda in the guise of looking after the common good. it amazes me how some people pretend that others won't notice that behind the gleeful smiles and empty praises lies a deeply black soul. i think i can read people fairly well and i know how to separate the colored ones from the black and white. miranda (the devil doesn't wear prada) is one of those people i am very careful and wary about cause behind here smiles, i know that i'm dealing with a really different character here.

my head was completely out of the f2f sometime around 3pm and it took us until 530pm or so to sort some things out. the discussions were like an eternal deja vu, again because people still try to appeal even after decisions have been made already. super duh!

we went to see mindy's hip-hop dance sometime around 730 near arizona and chandler. it was a dance recital and it was so nice & funny to see very young girls groovy it up to jazz, ballet and hip-hop. though most of them were not able to follow the dance steps, i give them props just for being to get to that stage and stare at hundreds of proud parents. mindy and her dance group performed to a playlist of songs. i took videos of mindy's performance while mesh, jessica, arjun and papeco looked on while seated from a comfortable distance. prior to mindy's dance routine, the program treated the audience to some belly dancing from some middle-aged women. it was kind of nice to see them belly dance and some were really dressed for it and was seriouly engrossed with how they were moving their bodies. major props to mindy and those gals.

after mindy's performance, i made the wrong decision in riding at papeco's pt cruiser convertible. papeco is not only such a reckless driver, he is an accident waiting to happen. at one point he put the top down when we were in the freeway and couldn't bring it back up at the speed we were travelling. It was a good 25-30min drive where we rode there feeling, in what mesh will call later, the winds of hell. it was like the wind was coming from a giant hair dryer literally that it was just crazy. we stopped by at a wine place to meet up with juan, iris, ben and marvin. we stayed for a few minutes before everyone decided that they wanted to get a good dinner. i rode with juan soto this time together with marvin. despite his age, marvin do hangout with his folks and he is really fun cause he's just one of the ccsd folks, no special treatment whatsoever.

we had dinner at a posh indian restaurant down in scottsdale. i say posh cause scottsdale is an expensive town and the people who can afford to live there are upper class. the restaurant was actually closing already but since we had our indian friends arjun and mesh with us, they re-opened the kitchen just to accommodate us. arjun & mesh did the ordering for us with a feast of lamb, chicken, beef, some sorta pita bread, spinach with something similar to feta cheese. i have to say that the meal was very good. the curry wasn't super spicy, just right and enough to make you want more. it was actually an expensive dinner @ $29 each but it was well worth it especially since marvin, after some prodding, agreed to sign for it. marvin is the man!!!

i thought after dinner that everyone would be heading home but everyone was still in a party mood so we decided to hang at a local jazz bar that sounds like kashmir (but i don't recall the spelling, it was kinda funky). the band playing was awesome and i was hooked when their black lead sung "dance with my father." the raspberry beer wasn't bad, it tasted freakishly fruity that i couldn't figure out whether it should be a juice or really an alcoholic beverage. the crowd at the jazz bar weren't really like the hunky kids you see at tempe but it was classy. everyone was kinda beat around after midnight. arjun offered to drop me off at windmill since he knew i loved my life too much to put it into the hands of papeco.

thursday's done. just one more day and i'm flying off back to manila. i already checked-in on my LA to HK flight at Cathay - good thing i remembered the 48hour rule on checking in. just one last party to attend to tomorrow and i'm all set. can't wait.

out of my head

yesterday officially was the start of the discussions for the face-to-face and our discussions started early around 9am among wendy, viera, jessica & myself only. the current plan right now is just to have the four of us in the face-to-face with ccsd. i wasn't actually quite feeling active that day so i wasn't my usual chatty self - i did ask questions or gave inputs but i just wasn't feeling the love that time. i realized in the afternoon session when there were more participants that i don't like mapdays so much - its hard i guess to contribute to planning projects when you're not involved in a lot of them and i like understanding details so i can piece the big picture together. i guess add to that, i don't necessarily agree with how we are approaching some of the changes. i looked at the room and realized i was the only asian in the group and somehow that sort of puts undue pressure to show that i was part of that group for a reason. maybe tomorrow i'd have more interest in the discussions and have better inputs.

we had a scheduled dinner/teambuilding event after and decided on z-tejas which was a mexican/southwestern bar/resto down in ray and i-10. jessica dragged me to banana republic to go with her shopping and i ended up buying two shirts. i like banana republic, more if i'm looking for something more formal to wear, but i think the styles are quite conservative. the two shirts looked chic though so hurray. the crowd at z-tejas turns out to be part of the mesozoic period (aka slightly gursi) but the food selection was actually quite good. mindy and i, being the evil twins that we were decided to pick the most expensive items on the menu. she having beef tenderloins with added crabmeat (for an extra $4) and i having a 14oz new york strip. the steak would have gone well with some red wine but two tall glasses of bud light was fine. after z-tejas, we met up with mindy (who left earlier), arjun, leo and morgan and later on papeco joined us. morgan gained quite a following when he dissed out that really upfront, bite-your-ass, in-your-face email to latoya. morgan is based in portland and he's actually quite goodlooking. i had fun chatting with viera and everybody while sipping on two margaritas but i decided to take off around 11pm or so - having had no decent sleep in the past two weeks. i was feeling woozy when i got to the hotel and i knew when i went to bed that i was gonna have a headache. i woke up around 3am and felt some pain on my head, it wasn't the "please kill me now" kind of headache i've grown accustomed to back home whenever we had our drinking sessions but it was enough reason for me to pop two advils.

there's 3 more days left in my trip and i'm getting excited to go home. we're going out on friday to scottsdale for my send-off party. hopefully i get to take some pictures while i'm still sober.

what about blogging

i didn't really know about blogging until after a few of my friends in the office started one - at first i just didn't have the patience and discipline for it. it might be because i wanted to wrtie eloquently and then realized that wasn't really the whole intention why i wanted to blog. i wanted to have an avenue to talk about what's happening in my life and share it with a few people who knew who i was and would take the time to see how things are in my-so-called life. i remember i started writing in a diary when i was in college, i didn't write often and mostly i wrote only about "kilig" moments. i was kinda focused on my career when i started working for bench and i was young & naive back then that i spent most of my hard-earned cash on clothes and going out and partying. when i made that decision to move to intel, there was actually a lot of things i had to give up - college- & close-friends i have grown accustomed to in my almost two years of working for bench. it wasn't really a bad company, i guess all the glitz & glamour were just not meant for me. so yeah, starting over at intel was a big, life-changing decision but i said i was young and starting from scratch wasn't a big deal. those would have been good blog material if i knew about blogging that time.

blogging now is good therapy, i think its one of the few things that kept me sane the past six weeks was being able to talk about stuff --- and i did get some wordy advice from some friends. its nice to actually read stuff in my friend's blogs - it strengthens the ties that bind friends together and sometimes see a side of them that not all are privy to. i don't know how many more "dear mcbaby" letters i am going to write in my blog, but i am hoping sometime soon, i can put somebody else's name over mcbaby's and people will know i have definitely moved on. sheda!!!

all my life

here is a video of my mba friend JM singing one of the songs i requested "all my life." jm can really sing, no doubt. i came to love this song because it reminded me of a very dear friend.
please press the "pause" button for the soundtrack playing before playing this video.

50 first dates

it was nice to see "50 first dates" again. while admittedly, i wasn't able to see it in the big screen, it would have been great to see it with someone special - oh yeah! wouldn't it be nice (which coincidentally is one of the best songs in the movie that is not in the album) if everytime you are with that special person, it feels like the first time. the first time you met, the first time you went out, those first times that makes your hand shaky and make you tongue tied. sometimes i do wish life can be like that - innocent, full of first times and not tainted by the complications of relationships. how lovely would it be to forget about the sad stories of yesterday and look at the world with innocence. well, there probably are more drawbacks to that than not experiencing life in one continuous block. it may also be somewhat of a coward's way out in dealing with the trivialities of living but maybe a life "reset" button isn't a bad thing either. i do wish i can have my "wouldn't it be nice" person and all the complications that come with that package. it would just be nice to have another distraction. for the longest time, i wished that person would have been mcbaby but i think that chapter of my life is about to end soon.

dear mcbaby, there's still so much left unsaid and so much i should tell you, but my friends are right. i've given so much of me to loving you that i've been blinded and obsessed and have done stupid things to get you to at least like me. i really don't want to do that anymore. i really do deserve something better than this - i've been a good friend and a good son - and i know that somebody else will see that. the next days, weeks and months is going to be hard but i will try, because i owe it to myself to be happy. yuan*

this coming week

i can't believe my trip is winding down this week - just one last face-to-face with ccsd and i am going home on saturday. while my flight is to LA is still sometime around 7pm, that should give me some time to rest if there will be a friday night bar hopping in tempe or scottsdale. i'm due to arrive in manila monday around 10am so that would be a good time to finish some errands - go to the dentist and have my braces adjusted, get my nails cleaned and finally get a full-body massage. i am so dying to get a relaxing massage right now. yeah, i'm getting ahead of myself. there's still the 14-hour LA to Manila flight that i have to bear with.

this week hopefully wouldn't be as busy as last week. there's just a few more items i need to clear up & get some direction on but other than that, i don't think there are any new items i need to prepare for the f2f. i'm still not sure how to fit my rescheduled lunch date with elsa and arnoldo is also inviting to grab lunch. jessica booked our schedules to go watch mindy's dance-a-thon this thursday but i'm not sure if i can catch it since i just remembered i need to present at the a/t lrp improvement meeting - ugh! gizie & larry is planning to get me wasted before i leave - uhmmm i don't know about getting drunk, but i probably will - gotta get those advils ready.

my luggages are 80% packed already, the only clothes i have out are the one's i am wearing this week. gotta do my laundry before i leave on saturday. mom asked me to buy something for my "ninang" who is one of her good friends too. i dunno yet what to buy for her so i need to swing by the mall or some store by tomorrow and swipe my credit card one last time.

pirated

so pirates' deadman's chest sets an all time $132M record beating spiderman 2 and of course superman returns. i was rooting for superman returns to make box office records but i guess captain jack sparrow had more charm to the US audience. i watched pirates last friday when mindy and i decided to be bad office role models and see the 245pm showing at amc. admittedly, i didn't have the same childlike excitement to see pirates than when i watched superman last week. but seeing johnny depp as captain jack sparrow, you can't help but fall in love with his funny antics - and he delivers it flawlessly. i thought keira was much more pretty in the first movie and she does resembles winona ryder in some angles. orlando bloom was okay but i think they could have used a hunkier co-lead for the movie. i thought the movie was entertaining, largely because of depp. the story was quite interesting too except that it leaves you hanging at the end - deliberately for sure to get you hungry for the 3rd film next year. the special effects of the movie was great but i was grossed out by all the bad teeth and how filthy the pirates looked in the movie. you would think being at sea meant bath will never be a problem. hahaha aragorn (from lord of the rings) despite all the battles looked much more cleaner and he sure knew back then that brushing your teeth was just good personal hygiene. hahaha

messaging access & websites

in this day & age, there are so many means of communication that its hard to keep track of everything. so here's a list so i won't forget :

instant messaging
YM : jkyle1800
MSN : jyuan1025
Skype : jyuan1025

friendster
http://www.friendster.com/yuan1025

multiply
http://yuan1025.multiply.com

so if i'm not yet in your instant messaging list, add me up or email me. i'm always up for a pleasant conversation.

restless nights

its funny that yesterday i was already exhausted when i got home but still didn't really feel the need to hit the sack up until it was 11pm. despite that, my trip to la-la land was interrupted sometime around 230am and so i decided to turn on the tv and surf the channels. i finally found "sneakers" showing in one of the channels so i decided to watch it until i drift back to sleep. "sneakers" is an old robert redford movie which also featured the late river phoenix and is about a group of people who tests company security measures by actually breaking into it by stealing. then they get caught up in a conspiracy, blah blah blah ... its actually a very good movie, great plot and is very entertaining. i think i finally managed to go back to sleep sometime around 430am. ugh! i honestly don't know what's keeping me restless at night for the past few days. just one more week left here in az and i am going back. yay!

thanks to all my friends who have taken the time to ask how i've been doing or whether i was ok. thanks to trixy also for writing me a long but poignant e-mail. long IM's & YM's to talk about the current state of sadness i am in. they are all helping. i am glad i have friends to share my stories with, probably cry on when i get back and help me get out of the rut i dug myself into. damn, i need some more things to keep myself busy. busy means less thinking, and less thinking means less of mcbaby. and definitely, less is best when it comes to mcbaby.

i should shop. shopping has always been good therapy. i'm staring at my luggages right now wondering if i can fit maybe another pair of shoes hmmm ugh 1 more jeans or a couple of shirts?
damn that 50 kilo limit - that really sucks.

multiply

i've updated some of the contents of my multiply website. i'll probably post there mostly pictures, blog posts will still be here. see more pictures.

http://yuan1025.multiply.com

i also posted a short video of my nephew when he was attending a children's party.

scattered

elsa was called on an emergency meeting so our lunch date was canceled. i was looking to a better meal today because of the so-so lunch and dinner i had yesterday so instead of going to the office and having lunch at the cafeteria, i decided to go to denny's instead. i was seated beside one of the windows and while sipping on a glass of my fave dr. pepper debated whether i should have pancakes, eggs, bacon and all the american breakfast goodness or settle for some of the lunches. I decided on the latter and ordered country-fried beef with mashed potatoes & rice vegatable pilaf. it didn't really take long and i was eating heartily while i was looking outside the window. i realized how lonely it was to dine alone. i looked outside and with a heavy heart thought how will i make it through the day if i plan to get relocated or move to another country by myself. i'm not sure i'd have the heart to do it =( maybe its because i've been feeling uber sadness the past few days that i have this super senti aura. and damn these love songs i've been listening to aren't helping a bit. dammit!

for some reason, i only noticed i had cut myself in my left thumb while i was eating kasi it started to hurt and there was like some blood there hahaha good thing the blood didn't ruin my cutie summer baby blue with orange & brown stripe shirt. i'm like really fashionista looking today with my cool oakley shades - hah, beat that papeco!!!

for some reason, i don't like wearing long or short sleeves polo's anymore, hassle din kasi ironing it in the morning. i go for the quick laidback tee, jeans & puma/adidas get-up lately. besides, polos are like pang-oldies --- hahaha --- unless they're like fitted, with the sleeves rolled-up above the elbows. the a&f styles are like super wash & wear, lukot-lukot look with shirts underside-up and the destroyed looking shirts and jeans still look cool.

have you noticed how much my thoughts are scattered right now? its like there's no single theme in this entry hahaha maybe cause its friday and this super senti aura is starting to bug me.

remember the titans

"remember the titans" was being shown recently in local television and like a moth to a flame, i could not not watch it again. i think i've seen this movie more than 15x already and everytime it was shown on cable back home, i always see it. its one of the great movies that i almost failed to see. the movie was so touching that i always get teary eyed seeing it. its also made up of a huge cast, some of which were not that big of a star back then - kate bosworth, donald faison, kip pardue and ryan gosling (the notebook). denzel washington as always delivers an outstanding performance of a black coach trying to fit in and make a difference. it was a first time blacks & white people were in the same team and during the period in which the movie was set, racism was very much prevalent. there's just something about watching a movie with a good ending that gives you something positive to reflect on. you get good vibes and a positive aura, and that can get you through the day.

five hours after

ugh, i managed to get some shuteye a little past 1am this morning and woke up five hours after. before sleeping last night, i realized i missed having my small, huggable pillow which i always have in my bed back home. aaawww, that pillow was actually given (given ba or pinilit ko lang?)by a friend a few years back and i think i've gotten used to hugging it while sleeping. my poor pillow might think i've abandoned it already.

its 630am, kinda craving for some pancakes right now. don't you just love pancakes? all warm and soft, spread some butter and splash a generous amount of maple syrup --- yum!!! i love maple syrup - sugar rush! i always loved pancakes, better than waffles. after a lackluster dinner last night, i am so ready to eat something good today. krispy kremes!!! yay!

no meetings until 10am. then lunch with an old friend at work. where should i fit arnoldo's lunch invitation next week? last week next week, can't wait to go back. its been a while.

a dose of reality

dear mcbaby,

i was talking to ali awhile ago and while we fired off with work-related chitchats, our conversation somehow drifted to the recent entries in my blog. ali usually plays along with my lovesick antics but this time around, she knew i needed to get a big dose of reality. i knew already what she was going to say before they even appeared on my chat window. i actually heard the same litany before and i know she's right. i am too much into you already and most of my friends are actually concerned that this thing i have for you, its not going to lead to anything more than a broken heart. i told ali i will deal with it when i'm back home but she knew my way of dealing is to sever whatever ties we have left - lose the friendship and try to avoid being with you. its not that i don't want you in my life, its just that i can't be friends with you and not feel something for you. how do you that to someone you've been in love with for the last five years?
ali told me that that is not fair to you - and i know its not, but we've danced this dance before that's why we're in this uncomfortable stage right now. somewhere along the way i actually lost being friends with you - sometimes i wonder whether we're in this stage right now because you want it more than i did. i always feel a twinge in my heart whenever i have to hear the latest events of your life from other people. this is why i know we've drifted apart already - you never tell me your stories anymore. i tried so hard to be the perfect friend after but despite that we never moved past that awkward stage we got into. right now, i don't really know how to let you go. i wish there was some way i could erase you from my memory like what they did in that movie "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" then i wouldn't have to deal with you. its funny that i can only tell you this in writing, i will probably never have the courage to tell you how i feel about you. can't do that talaga, that is why i have always loved you in silence. i don't know, i need to let you go for my own peace of mind. masyadong masakit na kasi e - its probably why i haven't been sleeping well lately.

i'm really tired mcbaby. tired of pining and waiting for you to at least throw me a bone. i need to accept the truth that you'll never see me the way you see your other friends. that no matter how hard i try, we'll never go beyond the cordial "hi's" and "hello's."

its time right? its time i let you go na. sigh, heartbreak. super sadness.

yuan*

ok lang, ayos lang

dear mcbaby,

i just finished a 10-11pm meeting that i actually had to call to finalize some support requirements with my all-time favorite intel group, finance. i actually feel a bit woozy right now maybe from having that somewhat difficult discussion with the ie managers at 6pm and having to rush to revise a proposed business process for the 10pm meeting while trying to fit dinner and rushing to the grocery to buy some water. sigh, i really feel beat. i checked my calendar already and no meetings until 10am so it means i can just go to the office around that time or even after lunch. but why i am telling you business stuff - this is not how this letter go, right?

its hard to describe the past few days right now, i guess its a mixture of everything - happiness, sadness, puzzlement but one things for sure, when it comes to you, i get into this emotional rollercoaster. i wonder how many people in the world right now feel the way i do - well van & trixy e definitely counted dyan. its really hard to deal with these feelings and the reality that probably soon, i am going to lose you again when you fall in love with somebody else. sometimes i think you being with somebody else makes it easier to move on cause it means i get to see less of you, and we'll be taking a backseat in your priorities. this thing with you, its a vicious cycle, it gets me into this period wherein i feel ok, that i finally stop thinking about you and then suddenly you're there again. it happens everytime and the pain of being heartbroken doesn't seem to get any easier. i really hate that one person can have this effect on me - pero ayos lang. i wish there was an easy way out of this mess - or sometimes i wish na maybe if you knew then maybe you can just hate me and tell me off and then that will mean the end of it - friendship and everything. with no ties to bind, there isn't anything to keep us together.

i don't really know what to do anymore. its so hard.

yuan*

what i miss & not miss back home

one and a half more weeks and i'll be going back to manila. finally, this supposedly 4-week turned 7-week trip is coming to a close. this has actually been the longest i stayed in arizona or any other trip for that matter. i did stay 4-weeks in malaysia before and 2 4-week stay in the US as well. now i know why they say staying here in chandler or wherever is a challenge. after a while, you actually get tired of eating the same food and going to the mall is a major credit card drain. but here's a list of stuff i miss & not miss in manila.

miss

• friends - office, school, college. my friends have been IM'g and YM'g me to go back cause they miss me - "aaawwww!" i feel loved. super gimik when i go back!
• gym - so yeah, i do have free gym access here in arizona but for some reason, i don't get the same drive going to the gym here than in manila. and yeah, i don't have my protein shake and creatine supplement and trainer here.
• car - i miss driving my car. how are you my dear ford lynx?
• desktop pc - no downloads for the past 6 weeks. ugh! well good thing my fave series will only be back end of august. but damn, i paid 2k for my dsl in june and i'm sure my sister didn't use it that much.
• dvd's - suki, suki, what's new? and eric has been kind enough to buy me pinoy dvd's hehehe
• nephew - he's been telling me "home, home" whenever i talk to him on the phone. that's his way of asking his uncle to go back home already. aawwww, i miss my nephew so much.
• school - i can't wait to finish my mba. konting tiis na lang and i'll be done with it.
• small comforts - cheap nail spa's and kinda expensive but ultra-relaxing therapeutic massages every other week.
• dinner at hagerstown - miss the peeps there. van, jona, trixy, jeck, allan, jerk, james and dencio - dinner buddies. i miss those yumyum food van brings that royally screws up my diet plans.

not miss

• going to work at 7am - aaarrrggghhh!!! imagine waking up at 5am? and here i wake up at 8am and go to the office around 9am and no one would freakin' care. the only good news is that joan told me i don't have to follow the CV rule of at most 2x telecommuting - it means i can work from home as much as i want. beat that.
• traffic & gas prices - not so much traffic here and i don't have to worry about gas. i just have to swipe my amexco and just wait to hear the pump "click" when the tank is full.
• braces adjustment - ugh. pain. nuff said.

wow, there's only a few things i don't miss back home so there's more reason to go back home. yay. i hope when i get back, things will still be ok with mcbaby - i mean that things will still be this great between us. i don't get kasi mc's moods, sometimes it feels like things are super ok between us and then mc suddenly becomes aloof and ignores me. if i go back and we're still in that awkward place then i'll take it as a sign.

*i am so liking this shamrock album. great vocals and songs.

another cheesecake factory episode

i went to an early dinner at cheesecake factory a while ago and invited jowell along. i had farfalle with chicken and roasted garlic while jowell had some buffalo wings. the pasta was actually quite good, it was light and creamy but since i had lunch around 2pm, i wasn't able to finish 3/4 of it - hahaha. at least i'll be able to have some leftover tomorrow morning. i think jowell didn't like the food that much but he seemed to enjoy the strawberry cheesecake. maybe he would have enjoyed the ribs at the texas roadhouse if we had dinner there instead. =(

in & out of sleep

arrggghhh for some strange reason my sleep patterns have been screwed up the last two nights. i think i managed to doze off around 11pm last night after a long day of working, super late lunch and super late dinner. i woke up sometime around 3am and couldn't go back to sleep so i stayed up to watch "true lies" on hbo and chat with a few friends. i'm pretty sure its not jetlag (after 5 weeks hahaha) so maybe i just have a lot on my head lately. i finally managed to go back to bed around 5am and was up by 830am. maybe i need a drink hihihi

kinda tired

maybe it was my resolve to try and finish one of the presentations being requested from me but i didn't really take lunch not until 5pm - if you even call call that lunch. i've stopped counting calories since two weeks ago so i am sure i've gained weight already. there will be a lot of things i will have to start doing when i go back to manila. first is start going back to my low carb diet - oh yeah, give up rice and noodles again, no more soda ulet. i couldn't resist having dr pepper here in the US - that is my favorite softdrink (well pati mountain dew, royal and coke light) but i've given up on carbonated beverages before i left manila. i also need to go back to the gym, probably do 4-5x a week, hmmm let's see.

i finally finished 2 business processes required for my presentation on wednesday and thursday. i'm glad i finished it already amidst the IM'ing and YM'ing from friends. come to think of it, i haven't been able to talk to D for a long time already - i wonder how he's doing. d's gf is really lucky cause i remember him saying in our last ym that he loved his gf so much. oh well, that's love for him. she's lucky cause d's smart and really goodlookin'. sigh, talking about this makes me think of my mcbaby.

i kinda feel tired right now. i've been thinking of my mcbaby the whole day today. i always feel more tired when i'm wrestling with my emotions. that's probably why i feel so beat right now.

what to make of things

dear mcbaby,

i slept around 2am this morning and i am still wondering why i had trouble dozing off last night. i woke up around 6am and decided to sleep some more until around 8am. van was the first person i talked with today - its funny how each conversation starts off innocently about anything and somehow always finds its way to a topic we get all excited, giddy and downright depressed about. yes, love. the seeming lack of it or the excruciating hope for it somehow always manage to get us all giddy and riled up when chatting about it. then that rich, happy feeling somehow spirals down right after and i am left feeling sad, lost and longing.

i think this is why i gravitate towards songs that have titles like "is it ok if i call you mine?" or some other similarly themed choruses. listening to these songs is like throwing gasoline into already smoldering embers. so yeah, while i'm feeling quite ecstatic these days, its hard not to think about how long this feeling is going to last. i love the lyrics to "is it ok" a lot because it sums up what i feel about you --- "like when i hear your name, or see a place that you've been, or see a picture of your grin, or past the house that you've been in, one time or another ... it sets off something in me that i can't explain." yep, that's about it. everything is a painful reminder that i can't have you.

i guess when this trip is over and i'm back in manila, i'd have to go and busy myself so i don't have to think too much about you. that kinda works you know, tire yourself till the point of exhaustion that when i get home, i'm ready for bed. and it will just be another day the next - another day of having to drive to work having that blank stare at the world. sometimes, i feel like you've taken a part of my soul already and everyday that passes, it feels like i am slowly dying inside. siguro nga, this is both my reward & punishment - finding you was my reward but loving you is my punishment. its hard to not be able to tell you cause things are already weird between us.

someday i'd be able to look back at all these and smile.

cheers,
yuan*

xs : too early to make senti? tell van, its her fault.

shade

my oakley spike. finally found an oakley that looks great on me.

oregano's a second time around

we decided to have dinner last friday before larry and gizie flies off to new jersey for the long fourth of july holiday. they'll be gone the whole of next week (w27) so it was a good time to get together while jowell was still in town. come to think of it, this was the first time we've all been in the US at the same time so it was also a cause for celebration.

we went to oregano's down in tempe (which is nearer the airport) because we had to drop off larry and gizie after dinner to catch their flight. we ordered our favorite guaca toni, pizza and honey-bbq wings. the guaca toni was still as good as last time and the wings were really delicious. of course, they actually were perfect with some bud light on hand. when dessert time came, we all feasted (again!!!) on a large macadamia & chocolate cookie with vanilla bean ice cream. it is still one of the most sumptuous desserts i've had during my stay here. i think it was also jowell's first time to have that dessert and he also loved it - so, it was 4 out of 4 people who loved this dessert so that just says how good it is.

we drove larry and gizie to the phoenix skyharbor airport right after dinner. we then went searching for a gasoline station since jowell had to fill-up his gas tank before he can have his car exchanged. we finally found one a few miles from the rental car return - there was a freaky dust storm blowing already that time. jowell managed to get another car, a chevrolet hhr - that's what its called i think. the car was quite nice, better than the kia he had before.

he's watching over us

being with you

"being with you
even the rainy days seem fine.
you are an angel in my life."

dear mcbaby,

why is it that everytime i try to get myself together to move on away from you, something happens between us that makes it harder to let go. i probably have more than ten reasons why i should stop loving you but they never seem to be enough to really give up on you. lately, it felt like we were our old selves again, that we are finally talking again without that weird feeling between. i do miss you - so much so that the longing makes me sad. i thought that being away will help me move on but i guess God had other plans. i finally admitted to myself that despite everything, i can't hate you. trixy told me that i shouldn't give everything to one person, but its you all along - and i am willing to give everything, if you ask me to. i used to think people who fell in love this blindly were stupid & desperate and yes, i am one of them.

yuan*