a dose of reality

dear mcbaby,

i was talking to ali awhile ago and while we fired off with work-related chitchats, our conversation somehow drifted to the recent entries in my blog. ali usually plays along with my lovesick antics but this time around, she knew i needed to get a big dose of reality. i knew already what she was going to say before they even appeared on my chat window. i actually heard the same litany before and i know she's right. i am too much into you already and most of my friends are actually concerned that this thing i have for you, its not going to lead to anything more than a broken heart. i told ali i will deal with it when i'm back home but she knew my way of dealing is to sever whatever ties we have left - lose the friendship and try to avoid being with you. its not that i don't want you in my life, its just that i can't be friends with you and not feel something for you. how do you that to someone you've been in love with for the last five years?
ali told me that that is not fair to you - and i know its not, but we've danced this dance before that's why we're in this uncomfortable stage right now. somewhere along the way i actually lost being friends with you - sometimes i wonder whether we're in this stage right now because you want it more than i did. i always feel a twinge in my heart whenever i have to hear the latest events of your life from other people. this is why i know we've drifted apart already - you never tell me your stories anymore. i tried so hard to be the perfect friend after but despite that we never moved past that awkward stage we got into. right now, i don't really know how to let you go. i wish there was some way i could erase you from my memory like what they did in that movie "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" then i wouldn't have to deal with you. its funny that i can only tell you this in writing, i will probably never have the courage to tell you how i feel about you. can't do that talaga, that is why i have always loved you in silence. i don't know, i need to let you go for my own peace of mind. masyadong masakit na kasi e - its probably why i haven't been sleeping well lately.

i'm really tired mcbaby. tired of pining and waiting for you to at least throw me a bone. i need to accept the truth that you'll never see me the way you see your other friends. that no matter how hard i try, we'll never go beyond the cordial "hi's" and "hello's."

its time right? its time i let you go na. sigh, heartbreak. super sadness.

yuan*