what to make of things

dear mcbaby,

i slept around 2am this morning and i am still wondering why i had trouble dozing off last night. i woke up around 6am and decided to sleep some more until around 8am. van was the first person i talked with today - its funny how each conversation starts off innocently about anything and somehow always finds its way to a topic we get all excited, giddy and downright depressed about. yes, love. the seeming lack of it or the excruciating hope for it somehow always manage to get us all giddy and riled up when chatting about it. then that rich, happy feeling somehow spirals down right after and i am left feeling sad, lost and longing.

i think this is why i gravitate towards songs that have titles like "is it ok if i call you mine?" or some other similarly themed choruses. listening to these songs is like throwing gasoline into already smoldering embers. so yeah, while i'm feeling quite ecstatic these days, its hard not to think about how long this feeling is going to last. i love the lyrics to "is it ok" a lot because it sums up what i feel about you --- "like when i hear your name, or see a place that you've been, or see a picture of your grin, or past the house that you've been in, one time or another ... it sets off something in me that i can't explain." yep, that's about it. everything is a painful reminder that i can't have you.

i guess when this trip is over and i'm back in manila, i'd have to go and busy myself so i don't have to think too much about you. that kinda works you know, tire yourself till the point of exhaustion that when i get home, i'm ready for bed. and it will just be another day the next - another day of having to drive to work having that blank stare at the world. sometimes, i feel like you've taken a part of my soul already and everyday that passes, it feels like i am slowly dying inside. siguro nga, this is both my reward & punishment - finding you was my reward but loving you is my punishment. its hard to not be able to tell you cause things are already weird between us.

someday i'd be able to look back at all these and smile.

cheers,
yuan*

xs : too early to make senti? tell van, its her fault.