being back feels different

dear mcbaby,

being back feels different. i didn't quite think so much about you during my long, tiring trip back and seeing you again didn't give me that familiar excitement. i don't know if i was just tired, sleepless and jetlagged or maybe i've finally managed to think some things through during my last week in chandler. it'll be funny if i can let go of you that easily after a good number of years being in love with you. trixy gave me a long list of what and what not to do including the why's and the why not's and somehow i still don't know which path leads to less hurt. when it comes to you, there's really no easy decisions, only painful ones. i am sure glad right now i am dealing only about my heart issues while my friends are beset with their own career & life decisions. its during these times that i appreciate having friends who knows about you and understands how i feel about you and just gives me the low-down nonetheless. they are really my source of strength during these conflicting and difficult times. i don't think i would survive you without having their hands to hold. i will always be eternally grateful to having them in my life.

i really wish there was some easier way out of this mess - for all my being OC and all, i can't sort this part of my life. i think i need more time away from you - not because i don't want to see you because i know i want to. i really only have myself to blame for all of this di ba? i chose to fall in love with you knowing there was really no future for us. i thought that if i hoped and prayed enough that maybe i can have something much better than what i have with you today. pero don't worry, i really won't be bothering you anymore with my drama moments and all, no more sweet nothings and text messages and instant messages. i still wish you all the best always and like before, i pray for you each night to find the right person for you, the one who loves you as much as i do and who would want to grow old with you, much like in the picture of us i keep in my heart.

yuan*