stuck in the middle of nowhere

my boss just sent me a note detailing stuff (i mean really detailing) we need to close urgently - i get the feeling she sent the mail also to convey (subtly) that we were moving quite slow with our project. i somewhat felt guilty because i knew it was true and i actually felt the same way. i'm not cut out for long-term projects because i like the quick-wins better cause it gives you that quick high (of success) like a drug. long-term projects can be boring and i'm finding it difficult to not only pick up where the project left off last time (which is nowhere) but work around the difference in time zones (US vs Asia). i printed the document my boss sent me and i've been staring at it for the last 30mins - sure i can read through it and i know i know what has to be done except that i stare at it and i can't visualize it. normally, i should be able to look at it and be able to visualize a pattern, like pieces of a puzzle falling into place but lately this has been a challenge. my head has slowed down, mainly because of the kind of work i've been doing for the past year and in part because i let it and spent most of my free time on my desktop pc. i suffer now for the consequences of my actions (karma), the world does figure out ways to get back at you.

i'm really stuck right now, moreso the pity cause i'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. again, i really need to figure something out. i've been having streaks of brilliance but they haven't been consistent ... and lasting - and i need to be really really brilliant now. there are a lot of things i need to do to clear my head up and i'd have to start working on getting back my old self. sometimes i can't help but think if this thing i'm going through, the not caring so much attitude, links up with when i made the resolve to forget & move on. i guess doing that made me lose a part of my soul and my heart. was it really worth it? getting my sanity and trading my heart, my emotions for it. maybe, in the short-term. pero soon i know, things are going to be easier. i'm counting down the days.