self-destructive

its bad enough that dad isn't the source of income in our family but to have a drinking spree and not be able to handle his alcohol and pick a fight with a neighbor is just too much. i don't really resent not ever being his favorite growing up nor being close to him like my younger brother, but what he does is self-destructive and ruins our good name. i don't really care what the neighbors think about us nor whatever gossip they pass around to get them through the day. i just don't like him dragging the rest of us into whatever hell hole he is digging. yes, cold as it may sound, i don't really have a lot of good things to say about my father. i am not even ashamed to admit he's sort of the good-for-nuthin' kind of dad. a lot of people will probably not understand why i feel this way but i have my reasons.

i would have been ok to help him out on his medications (for his diabetes) except that if i give him the money, he would just most likely treat his friends to some drinking session. besides, isn't it a fact that medicines and alcohol don't mix well? having no steady income, anybody else would have saved whatever little money for more important things - but that is not how he is. its irritating when he comes home mid-afternoon and while rummaging for food throws out sarcastic comments on the leftovers like "ano yan, tira?" this is much like the same stuff he says when i bring home half-eaten food from restaurants i had dinner from. the nerve! its mid-afternoon so they are really leftover from lunch and whoever said that the half-eaten, still yummy food i took home were for him anyway. yeah i am venting. i don't like to be angry but i am very very angry.

it sucks to be stuck with a deadbeat dad, i can tell you that. i could really do more for the rest of the family if the deadweights were gone.

sigh, the cross i bear just keeps getting heavier.