so this is what happy feels like

dear fish,

trixy and i were ym'ing each other until midnight talking about the state of happy we are in in the past few weeks. we're sort of kindred souls in the pursuit of happiness you know? each of us trying to sort through the sordid details of our so-called love life. surprisingly, we both are reconnecting with people that's taking our endorphin levels to an all-time high. and while we know these are fleeting moments of happiness, we still take it with open arms. i am amazed, however, how different you are when its only the two of us. the clown in you seem to take a backseat and you become more serious, more reserved. you baffle me. while there may be the ocassional chuckle, you really seem to be more prim & proper most of the time. i'd hate to think you still feel uncomfortable showing your funny side to me considering we've known each other for quite some time already. or perhaps show that there is also a serious side to you. believe me, you don't have to do that cause i see everything about you.

do you believe in coincidence? i don't. i believe that things happen for a reason. your timing last night was perfect, it was as if you knew i needed help and you came as my knight in shining armor. galing.

i don't know how long the endorphins are going to last right now. i wish to God it never ends but i know this is fleeting. i realized though that i'd rather have this you & that me right now than not have you at all. maybe someday, you will see that i have always wanted what's best for you and i have never asked for anything in return. maybe then, you will finally see me.

love,
yuan*

more on focal

i asked one time "which is more important for you, the percent increase or the rating?" automatically, he said "the increase, of course." this begs the question "isn't the increase generally a function of the rating?" in a way, that's true. we all know that O gets a bigger piece of the pie, then EE, followed by S and not even crumbs for BE & IRs. I think that for most of us, our priority is really the bottomline that's why we say, the increase is much more important. This actually is a good way to psyche yourself - i normally set an increase range (say 20-25%) from which to measure if i will be happy with my focal or not. I guess I'm thinking, if i get an increase within my expectations then the rating really is immaterial to the bottomline. This doesn't mean however that we don't have to look at the rating, that actually helps us formulate a wealth of questions like :

(a) is there anything i could have done differently to improve the rating i got?
(b) what specific attributes do the people who were rated higher than myself have that i should try to emulate?
(c) what should i do this year differently to help me get a higher rating or even a promo?

looking at our rating, its true we ask "is this how much one whole year is?" probably not and that's what makes it difficult to swallow. there really are no comforting words about focal - its either good, bad or so-so. i guess its difficult to prepare ourselves for the actual results. for some of us, focal is a time to make the difficult decisions. it is a time to contemplate whether all that we do is worth it. i know that for some, if they play their cards right, things start to fall into place soon. for the rest, i guess it just wasn't meant to be - and that's why its always a good idea to have a plan B, and C, and D.

thoughts on focal results

the past few days, everyone's thoughts were on the focal download. each of us hoping for really good reviews (which equal to really good raises) and painfully waiting for the download day. not everyone of course will get what they want during focal - some will be disappointed, others will be steady (jowell's coined word for "ok lang"), and others will be happy with their focal result. while it can be quite disappointing if the actual increase is not within one's expectations, getting something still isn't a bad thing. why? cause a few years ago, in one focal, only those who were rated "O" and promoted had increases and at one time, people only got 50% of the increase they got during the focal. I distinctly remember the 50% thing because Ice was one of the 50% Focal victims. I managed to secure Ice a good raise & a promo during that time but he got only half of it. We can say "we're not in the same situation like before." hell yeah, but maybe its just not meant to be this time or that somebody else might have done better than us. this is the difficult thing about focal, being able to meet your expectations doesn't guarantee a high rating cause someone may have done a better job.

i finished my focal download this morning. it was good that carl sent the files an hour before the meeting so i was able to look at it and get some perspective. what's the result? it probably is not proper to share it here so i am not going to comment on it. i guess after talking to some people and asking them what their expectations are, i realized that our increases aren't bad in general. i asked my starbux friend and she told me on the average, the annual increase in their company is 10-15% with 15% being very seldom. D said theirs averages 7-10% plus an additional 5% if you get promoted. One collegue told me he would be happy with a 10% increase. Hearing these made me realize that sometimes getting a different perspective on things can help you understand and appreciate things better.

if we want to keep or get that elusive "O" or "EE", we need to formulate our plan of attack now. not getting it now doesn't mean we won't get it next time.

dang ...

focal download … moved to thursday!
damn!

focal results today

today, at 11am, is my focal results download. i have been eagerly awaiting this download since march started. hopefully there is some good news here or an appreciation of what i have contributed the past year (2005). originally, i was planning to write something about my focal results but lately i thought it will be more proper to skip it since the people who read my blog work in the same company. its confidential and of course people (even i) will feel bad if somebody shared some focal good news and our (my) focal result wasn't to expectations. that's really how focal works, its really up to your manager how best to 'market' you and if you don't fare too well, its his responsibility to explain WHY your accomplishments weren't enough to best the others. So far i have been quite lucky with my previous managers cause they all gave very good focal results.

lea - the thing i like about lea is that she is very technically competent and understands the detail of your SA. she also knows how much people work and rewards them accordingly.

mickey - she might not be the most technical of the managers but she can easily best a lot of manager in terms of people positioning & org development.

*let's not mention some of the managers i know who (1) do not have a professional bone in their body; and (2) who will leech other people and denigrate others to get ahead.

so where does focal leaves us? i think whatever the results of focal, it will tell us two things : (1) how well we did during the past year? and (2) what do we need to do different this year to get ahead of everybody? i still want to pursue other options and i am not rushing. after all, its true that good things happen to those who wait.

i want a lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally
or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there
for the reason you need them to be.  Then, without any wrongdoing on your
part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring
the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.  Sometimes they act up and
force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled, their work is done.  The prayer you sent up has been
answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to
share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.  They usually give you an
unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.  

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in
order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your job is to accept the lesson, love
the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and
areas of your life.   It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.  

pleasant surprise

dear fish,

i was pleasantly surprised that you remembered my invitation a couple of weeks back. i resolved myself already that you had other important things to do because i didn't want to expect anything. i was happy to see and talk to you again and i was feeling elated even after i got home. right now, i am just happy being able to spend a little more time with you and i thank God everyday for all His nice little surprises.

love always,
yuan*

d

in the middle of our AI5 results chat, d told me that finally, he has a girlfriend already. d & i became good friends (well, mostly through YM since we only went out twice) ironically after the MBA class where we were both enrolled. i was mainly groupmates/friends with two of his MBA best friends and we got more acquianted when he tagged along when i & his two friends decided to celebrate surviving the term with an otherwise boring management accounting class. d isn't your typical kind of guy cause he can be intimidating when he speaks (slang), but having been conditioned to speaking with people from different cultures (arguments that doesn't really apply) at work, i wan't intimidated. d isn't really a snob, he's just misunderstood. people assumes he's this conio, slang-speaking kid who'll ignore them if they dare talk to him. but that's really what this post is all about.

d, for the longest time, has ranted on & on about his failed would-be relationships. about still being single at the age of 24 (or is it 25 now) and craving to have a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship every day of his working life. this is pretty surprising considering that d is actually quite good looking, smart and last i heard is a hearthrob in campus. i guess what makes him different from the typical guy is that he's actually still pretty much a kid at heart - addicted to video games (sleeps with his ps2), loves anime (naruto!!!), a bit slang to appreciate everyday conversations on the buzz, local showbiz, pinoy big brother and encantadia. so anyway, i asked d where he met his girlfriend and he said through speed dating. d actually had to call me up to explain what speed dating was --- hahaha, what do i know? i didn't know we even had speed dating here --- though i feel like that sounded so desperate, i have to give him props for even doing it. and look where it landed him --- good for you d!!! i don't think that was desperate, i think whatever works, if it gets results then its not bad at all. besides, you would never think d looks desperate, he's just too goodlooking to assume that.

d sounded really happy while we were chatting over the phone. i told him i wish i could see him cause it was definitely a kodak moment. he said his co-workers tell him he has this goofy grin throughout the day. i guess that's what love can do to a person. no words of caution here, let's keep it positive to attract good vibes. congrats d!!! thank you for trusting me - and for being the select few you told the good news to.

what does this tell us? speed dating works ..... maybe its time to try it hahaha

prisonbreak returns ....

one of my favorite tv shows is back on air after a 3-month hiatus. we'll be seeing more of wentworth miller as michael scofield as he tries to break his brother out of prison. the last episode of season 1 had everyone wondering whether the months of planning will pay off. prisonbreak starts airing in the US today and hopefully, somebody generous will upload a torrent soon. as for everyone of my friends who watches prisonbreak, you all will have to be patient as we wait for each episode week by week.

down and out

i was feeling kind of sick last friday as i took my production management exams. it was an essay exam and it wasn't really that hard - what i found difficult was writing literally - especially with sweaty hands while breathing laboriously. I did finish the exam in decent time and was out of there around 8pm. next week, it will be the micro/macroeconomics exam and there are a lot of material to cover, mostly from the textbooks. i don't really have any good notes from my previous eco classes. this makes me unsure whether i should join the wednesday gimik or just stay home and use that time to study.
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the colds & feverish feeling actually got worse saturday so i was stucked in bed the whole weekend. i wasn't even able to go to my godson polo's 3rd birthday yesterday. damn, i missed his last two birthdays already and i haven't even found him a gift yet. i'd have to do that one of these days.
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i finally managed to start watching "battlestar galactica" and i was hooked instantly. the storyline is excellent, visuals were great and the characters are very interesting. i finished all of season 1 (a 3 hour premiere + 13 episodes) and i'm already in episode 10 of season 2 .... 10 more episodes and i'm done. season 3 starts in october so its going to be a long wait before i'll start seeing apollo, starbuck, helo, boomer and the rest of the gang. frac!!!
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i was watching the malaysian race yesterday and got disappointed when kimi raikkonen and his mclaren was out of the race at lap 1 following some wrong maneuvering. i stopped watching after lap 3 cause i decided i'd rather watch BSG after that. yes, i am a true-blue raikkonen & mclaren fan in f1 racing against the millions of schumacher-ferrari fans. so disappointing as it is, its just the 2nd race of the season and there's still 16 races to go for raikkonen to catch up on the driver's championship points.

a dose of iodized salt required

so i slept at around 8pm last night and woke up around 1am to start studying for my operations management written exams later tonight. i can almost always absorb stuff faster in the morning than in the evening - probably because my mind switches to party/relax/off-mode after office hours. waking up early in the morning gives me a clean slate - nothing's really on your head yet. so i was browsing through 300 slides or so of previous presentations from my OM class and quite surprisingly, nothing was registering. it was like i was just mouthing the words in the presentation but not understanding a single detail. buti na lang essay exam sya - pero this professor is quite strict sa grammar so i'd have to write carefully.
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no word yet whether i passed my financial management exam two weeks ago. i am hoping for the best. that exam was freakin' hard.
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the last exam was management science. that was the first exam i enjoyed. it was actually not that hard, though i abhorred one portion on the simplex method. duh, why did they call it simplex if it was really hard - it should be named complex. setting up the lp equations was easy, the PERT was easy, and the transportation problem using vogel's approximation method was easy. i am pretty sure i passed this exam.
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i can't believe its mid-march already. time really flies by so fast. i wouldn't say its mid-summer already, cause that'll be come april. it just surprises you that 1/4 of the year is almost over. my focal passdown is scheduled on the 27th. i am really hoping for a good rating & increase this focal. reasonable expectations? naaah, i want 25-30% increase. that will make me happy. i'm not sure if they plan to promote me to grade 8 .... sana, sana!!! one more grade and my benefits (aka perks) increases. wishing wishing .... well dream BIG di ba?
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so i have copies already of the core secrets exercises courtesy of lea (copied by ronald) - this is reputedly what keeps brook burke in tip-top shape. so i need to buy that giant ball & some lighter dumb bells before i can begin doing the exercises. 5 dvds. i want to get in shape for august - flat abs, better biceps. pa-cute di ba? can't wait for this freakin' term to end. next terms, its not going to be this heavy so i can go back to the gym.
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i've been putting it off for the longest time, so i will go visit our neighbor dentist saturday (just heard our out-of-town gimik will not push through) and start the arrangements to get braces. he said last time with my teeth, around a year or so lang daw. one year isn't really a long wait. besides, with the braces installed, i should not be eating as much.
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i was chatting with dino a few weeks back and our conversation drifted to how much 'healthier' we have become. him, getting fat cause of his asthma that prevents him from going to the gym lately, and me getting fat cause i've been a lazy pig. we talked about that probably considering meso-lipo as an option, with him saying both his brothers have done it cause they wanted a 6-pack and after the meso, e they have 4-pack abs na. beat that! hmmmm, its probably something to consider ... i need lang naman sa stomach area e. P20k kaya ok na?
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so here i am, 47 minutes after i started this post ... not getting any headway in my OM review. I'd better get some coffee in my system and seriously start reading the dang slides.
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x's : i wish fish says hi today or text something. la lang, happy pill.

wondering why things happen

i do believe that things happen for a reason - though at times i wonder if what's happening is not entirely a cosmic joke and that fate is just in a mood to tease you. i got home tuesday night temporarily delirious having spent some more time with my happy pill. that's 2 consecutive times, more than anything in the past year. i guess i just really miss my happy pill - A LOT! sometimes i ask myself where all this is leading to - why put myself in an awkward position, waiting for the inevitable hurt to happen. siguro nga, internally we are all 'masochists' that feeling the pain somehow makes us feel more alive, more human. that beneath the facade, we are all sensitive beings who can get hurt. its kind of funny cause we know the kind of pain it brings but it still doesn't deter us from doing it. ahhh, if only i can erase portions of my memory, of ever meeting you ... how i wish now that that procedure from "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" is real. i do want to move on pero its like i'm addicted to my happy pill.

who i should work for

i woke up this morning and realized that the primary reason i am working is not solely for myself but for my nephew. the desire to be able to provide him with a better, more stable future is what the whole point of amassing what little fortune i can stow from my monthly salary. of course, i don't want to say i am not planning on buying a place to stay and my dream SUV on the side. so there, i have reasons why i should work harder, not solely for myself, but for my nephew, who i love so much.
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i drove to work this morning in a bizarre but extremely calm state. i was looking outside while driving and it was like the world was moving quietly, serenely and so slowly. i felt like i was in some kind of time space warp and life was just passing by. i realized i always felt like this lately driving to cavite - maybe its a sign? of what, i can't tell right now.
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driving to cavite is awfully lonely. it was much easier going to cavite before when abet rode with me because i would be forced to wake up on time to be able to meet up with him. sure, he'd much sooner snooze than chat with me, but it was comforting at least to drive with someone (even if they were sleeping) than to drive alone. going home was actually better, since we have time to talk about how the day went, talk about non-sense stuff and just plainly have conversation to pass time. now, going to & fro, there's just an endless silence that sometimes is hard to endure.
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here we are again. one more day to weather. one more day wishing things will be better. i still feel there's something great coming soon --- so i will wait patiently.

dying by the day ...

work has been a source of woe for me since the year started. i wanted to get back that old feeling of being excited coming to the office and working on my deliverables but lately, i couldn't get back into that driven-kind of mode. maybe i can get some of the magic back after focal download but right now, i feel like i'm dying by the day. i don't have that great big challenge, the thrill of the work, the kind of feeling wherein you wake up and your mind start making calculations. i used to drive to cavite going over the plans for my presentations, figuring out how to analyze the data --- it was a bit nerdy but i somehow find comfort in being pre-occupied. there's no room for other personal problems, there's just work --- and it helps me focus on the more important matters. maybe, work is some kind of fortress, wherein the solitude helps keep things sane and the problems beyond reach. today, there's not a lot of excitement, not a lot of those situations wherein you try to pit your talents with another and relishing the feel of winning. my job right now is to tell people how to do things - do this, do that ... how boring is that? its not even about the money anymore, i get paid a lot to sit down in some days daydreaming and waiting for the deadlines to work on my ar's so i can squeeze them all together and put undue pressure on myself to finish everything. its like being a masochist - except in my case, i function really really well under pressure. i think faster, work faster and turn out the better ideas when i am already pressed for time. so what am i doing about it? create a jobstreet account. post my resume. i dunno, explore my options. i am deeply bored with IE work already that perhaps its a good idea to see what lies behind the IE wall.

the irony of it all ...

dear fish,

sometimes i don't get this dance called life. in my last post, i wrote about the sad state of our friendship and how i felt you've been aloof the past weeks. i was contemplating on finally giving you up and i was already dead set in leaving you alone. i wanted at least to come out of this mess i've put myself in fractured, but hopeful. then last night, life throws me a bone and fate gives me a chance to spend some time with you. at the back of my head, i was hoping you chose me not because i was the convenient solution but because we were friends and you needed me.

i have to admit i was ecstaticly happy (after all, i do consider you as my happy pill) but at the same time i didn't really know what to say or how to even act with you. it has been such a long time since we last spoke more than the hi's and hello's that i didn't even know where to start. once the ball was rolling though, it felt like old times - before the ice age and i was particularly chatty and you responded with your own set of stories. it felt like a reunion of sorts and i wanted to catch up on what was happening with you. i realized that while i've gotten used to it, i kinda miss not having you around.

the irony of it all is that this happened when i was at a particularly low point and i was seriously questioning whether there was still hope for us. was this a sign that maybe in some twisted way, there's hope for us? that i shouldn't give up? that i should see the value of what we used to have and accept that we may not have the kind of friendship you have with your close friends, but we have something? ..... but what if i was just putting too much meaning, trying to psychoanalyze every minute detail and not realize that maybe, just maybe ... life was giving me a chance to tell you goodbye?

yuan*

exhausted ... not thinking straight today

i think exhaustion is really about to take me today. i do feel groggy and i still have a lot to do from tonight until tomorrow. i went to the cavite office today even if i had very little sleep last night (little because usually, i need more z-hours if i over-exerted myself during the day) because i committed to my office buddies to help them out in their volleyball game. hopefully, i wouldn't drift to lala land during the game.

i guess whenever i feel like this, i am quite irritable. the smallest things can trigger my "bitch" switch and i'll start ranting non-stop. but the thing i hate most during these times is that i become vulnerable. i can't put up that barrier that shields me from feeling depressed, sad and annoyed. suddently, things that are trivial seem to have significant importance and my head & imagination goes haywire. i really need some sleep, prob'ly i can catch up on some zzzz's on saturday. ahhhhh, i really need some extra joss, or redbull or lipovitan. gimme some!

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dear fish,

i think we've entered into the ice age again and i don't really know how to deal with you. i thought we were on our way to rekindling the friendship we used to have but i guess that was just wishful thinking on my part. i think i should accept the fact that our chance at friendship is over and i should give up already and move on. i don't know. maybe i'm overly sensitive today but i feel like we've drifted apart so much that there's really no hope of ever bridging that gap especially now that i see you have found people who you are much more comfortable with being friends. friendship talaga is a tricky thing - sometimes i don't know if i should give more of me to try and make it work or accept the fact that probably, some friendships are just not meant to be. i don't want to pause and wonder everyday if we're friends or we've been friends or we'd ever be friends. i just want to stop feeling like i wasn't well-worth being the kind of person you would want to be friends with. i really wish i could avoid saying goodbye, that you would do something wonderful and reassure me that we are friends, that we have always been, and we will always be. i will forever cherish the day that i met you and i won't regret ever knowing you. knowing you has forever changed me and i thank you for that. its probably just now, but i know soon i can accept that there is no happy-ever-after in our story.

love always,
yuan*

ugh

i was pretty exhausted last week trying to make sense of all of the financial management OT's (that's old testament) my friends lent me for my written comprehensive exam. in summary, past professor taught nothing. wce professor, solid rep for being a hard-ass. well, i didn't really think he was a hard-ass but after seeing 60pts of modified true or false (its that kind where you specify the correct answer if you answer false, duh!) and then 45 items (@ 2pts each) of really difficult finance problem solving. in short, exam sucked and the 2 1/2 hours he gave us barely covered the problem solving and most had to rush back and make heads or tails on the modified true or false. Then like 2 mins before the end, he goes on and say "fill everything up, guess the other answers." WTF? there were like many blanks, how can you guess intelligently (or at least logically) when you haven't even read the question and the answer. now, i am (and a lot of us) are just hoping for the best, that he adjusts the passing score and let me pass.

this is why i NEVER liked finance. i can get away with the basics, but the other stuff ... i just hate 'em!
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i thought i would do around 20-reps of my 14-lb dumb bells (bicep curls) and then my arms will turn to lead and i'd be done with it. lately, it feels like the 14-lb dumb bells aren't as heavy as i thought -- (improvement na ba 'to?) hahaha seriously, i thought the 5-lb was heavy already so i was surprised that i can do anywhere from 60-100 reps on the dumb bells (of course not sequentially, in 20 reps per set). i need to go back to the gym.
i am going to squeeze some time this week since my management science exam doesn't have that many items to review.
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i need an oakley. yeah, i need it. it is a necessity. i just don't want it, i need it to alternate with my rudy project. its summer already (la nina and all) and these things during summer are not a want, they are a necessity much like water is to fish. can you imagine hanging out by the beach with no shades in tow? duh, how can you feast your eyes on the eye candies? if you're buying an expensive shades, they should have digital cameras built-in para you can just take pictures of whoever you fancy at the beach. winnie the pooh yan!
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one of my closest college friends is finally getting married this coming friday and i won't be able to attend because i am double booked. i need to take my exam in management science this friday + my make-up class for supply chain (finals) happens at the same time but extends up to 10pm. so this is the only wedding i am missing from among my college friends. that actually is quite saddening. anyway, i wish heidi & jorel happiness always. congratulations & best wishes!
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my schedule is fully booked this week : monday is the prelim meeting with joan to discuss the material she needs to present to some senior folks this coming friday. i need to wrap-up the presentation for my supply chain class this coming friday and i have been procastinating about it for 2-wks already. i need to study linear programming, simplex method, PERT and transportation problems. i have a volleyball game on wednesday. need to coach another game on thursday. friday is the exam + class. whew, its going to be a really exhausting week for me.

when should you tell ...

i guess everyone of us was glued to watching PBB (that's Pinoy Big Brother) last night. It was actually the first time i watched it in its entirety and i have to admit, it does bring some kind of enjoyment. Watching a diverse mix of people live it out without celfones, televisions or radios, virtually cut off from the whole world for X number of days, they're bound to think of weird ways to entertain themselves. But probably, the hilite of last night was rustom's seemingly imminent revelations of his "true" character. well everyone speculates or some for sure even know it for a fact, but for the rest of the world, admitting it on national tv will surely be gossip fodder at least for a few more weeks.

all in all, if rustom does admits whatever it is he is hiding on national tv, then i applaud his courage. few people for sure will have the courage or the guts to spill it out, much less do it on national tv. nothing can beat that.

so when do you really know its time to face the music? time to tell everything that you feel inside; or probably open up and finally tell someone how you really feel about them. in last week's episode of grey's anatomy, there was this patient who thought he was going to die so he made videos to the people he cared about to tell them how he really feels inside. seeing that, i thought maybe it was an easy way to tell someone you LOVE them and then tell them some more. It was a coward's way out, but maybe its better than not telling it right? This is why a lot of us come glued to songs where lyrics tell of the longing of maybe one day telling the one we love how we really feel. "Would you know how much i love you? Would you know how much i care for you?" --- Journey's End by Darius.

Maybe some secrets are better left alone. That sometimes the prize is too high to pay that its not worth risking everything. Or maybe, people are not as dense as we think they are and that they already know how we feel about them.

Do you know?