the irony of it all ...

dear fish,

sometimes i don't get this dance called life. in my last post, i wrote about the sad state of our friendship and how i felt you've been aloof the past weeks. i was contemplating on finally giving you up and i was already dead set in leaving you alone. i wanted at least to come out of this mess i've put myself in fractured, but hopeful. then last night, life throws me a bone and fate gives me a chance to spend some time with you. at the back of my head, i was hoping you chose me not because i was the convenient solution but because we were friends and you needed me.

i have to admit i was ecstaticly happy (after all, i do consider you as my happy pill) but at the same time i didn't really know what to say or how to even act with you. it has been such a long time since we last spoke more than the hi's and hello's that i didn't even know where to start. once the ball was rolling though, it felt like old times - before the ice age and i was particularly chatty and you responded with your own set of stories. it felt like a reunion of sorts and i wanted to catch up on what was happening with you. i realized that while i've gotten used to it, i kinda miss not having you around.

the irony of it all is that this happened when i was at a particularly low point and i was seriously questioning whether there was still hope for us. was this a sign that maybe in some twisted way, there's hope for us? that i shouldn't give up? that i should see the value of what we used to have and accept that we may not have the kind of friendship you have with your close friends, but we have something? ..... but what if i was just putting too much meaning, trying to psychoanalyze every minute detail and not realize that maybe, just maybe ... life was giving me a chance to tell you goodbye?

yuan*