harried life

life has been quite harried the past few days since mom is in the hospital taking care of my sister. sis, will be going under the knife today to remove her gall bladder and to remove whatever's blocking her intestines. the bill has rung up to 50k already with all the tests, not including doctor fee's (and she has 3 doctors) and the operation. ugh, i gave mom my atm last night because there were hospital bills to pay and i have to chip-in. i was thankful that i had a job that pays well right now and i was thankful that i decided to save money starting last year. i realized that i have to "love" my job because it affords me to live a very comfortable life right now.

while i've been sick since friday (got better yesterday already), i had to take care of my nephew most of the time (bathe, feed, watch over, play). i had to clean his milk bottles and prepare his water when i get home from work. i had to also drive to the hospital a number of times over the past few days. i am usually dead tired when i get home, and it takes so much energy to wake up and prepare for my daily 6am meetings (which i chair). some days, i feel like i am just going to pass out but i try to make do with what little time to juggle work with school deadlines. its a good thing that school isn't as stressful as the previous terms or i'm sure i would have died already.

right now, i'm just wishing for strength to get through the day. and some more sleep.

getting away

during my 1:1 with the boss of my boss yesterday, i openly asked her (with a lot of charm) how it will be better for me to work in the US timezone during the critical, developmental phase of the project i'm working on. i wasn't surprised that she gamely agreed to my suggestion since i thought my proposal was actually reasonable. she said she would talk to her boss to bring it up and i should talk to my boss also so it won't seem i bypassed her. the good news is that there's budget for 8-10wks of travel next year (its just a matter of allocating it to whoever made sense) and the drawback here is that i would probably have to drop school next term. the trip needs to happen in Q107 and checking on my remaining school schedule, if the travel gets approved, then i can leave on the third week of january.

so the question now is --- how will i download those tv shows? dang!

when its time ...

can you feel the gloom? i sure can.

walking along the halls of the office, i can't help but feel that something was lacking. i used to enjoy walking along these aisles for so many years, being excited that i was working for a multinational, billion-dollar company. i was probably young, naive & optimistic but that time, getting in was like winning the lottery. the last nine years was a journey, an adventure and was one of the best times to meeting truly remarkable people both here & abroad. everyday was something to look forward - and while we were tempted to give up at times, the work challenged us to be more than who we are. sure, there were the ocassional rants about pay, about how much work, about how sleepless nights sucked but we managed to get through it. the pressure and the stress forced us to turn to the ocassional alcohol, to smoking (which i've kicked off already) and to weekly gimiks. those were the days.

its remarkable how much things have changed during the past months. that while people have come and go, it felt like our "family" was going to survive the changing memberships. sadly, the happy times are over. we don't even go out anymore - everyone seems busy with their own lives, and others probably just found other people to hang out with. one by one, people are leaving and i can already see who will be left after everyone has packed up. i guess its just a matter of time for people to start making something out of their lives - to figure out what they want, go for it and pray to God they make the right decisions. the only thing i feel right now about people leaving is that nagging feeling whether our friendship survives. some may. others - i don't think so. i can already feel people drifting farther & farther apart.

its just time to part ways, i guess. and like always, life goes on.

proud to be pinoy

after alcano's win in the world pool championship a week ago, everyone was in high spirits anticipating today's pacquiao-morales boxing rematch. i myself didn't make plans today so i could stay home and watch the game (even if it was delayed). it was surprising though that the match lasted 3 rounds and pacquiao emerged as the winner. pacman (as pacquiao is fondly called) has given us pinoys again something to be proud of. what's nice here aside from pacman's win is that pinoys, even just for the day, dropped what they were doing and gathered to watch & support pacquiao. if only we could be as united in a lot of things, then this country no doubt will move forward. as it is, we just need to be thankful that there are these times where we can stand united - and be proud to be pinoy. i know i am.

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i was saddened to hear that the adopted brother of a childhool friend (who i drifted apart from a long time ago) passed away. i was quite sad to hear about it having learned only a day before that john paul had an operation because he had a tumor in his head. he was only 23yo. while growing up, his brother was one of the kids i hung out with along with other kids in the neighborhood. i had good times with them growing up considering that i only "socialized" with the other kids during my late teens. i saw part of john paul's childhood and even then, as kids were, he was a sweet & charming child. i can't believe he's gone. i never really gave a great deal about death before but having had my share of people moving on, it makes me hate being a grown-up. there's just so many things to deal with - and sometimes, i just don't know how to handle things. i'm alive though - and that's enough reason to be thankful. i know john paul is in a better place - dying young just meant God wants him back - and who can argue that?

being a parent for one day

mom texted yesterday that they my sister was going to get confined to the hospital since she hasn't been feeling well since last week. i dunno why she hasn't prioritized getting checked and finding out what's wrong with her in the first place. i guess we all have that inate fear about potentially knowing that there might be something wrong with us. its the emotional agony that tend to kill us first. despite being dead tired from going to the gym, i had to drive mom back to the hospital that night since someone needed to stay with my sister. i was pretty beat when i got back home knowing i still had to work on a presentation for my 6am meeting. sleep has been good & bad since i got back from the states. there have been times when waking up early after midnight proved helpful finishing up work or school stuff but lately the waking & sleeping for 30 more minutes routine has been agonizing.

dad chose to leave (the lousy timing) around 6am as i logged in to my meeting. my blacksheep brother (BSB) fortunately took care of my nephew while i chaired my meeting. (sidelog : for somebody who doesn't have a job, i wonder where he gets his money to go out). i told my manager i had to take the rest of the day off explaining my situation. i was preparing jacob's stuff when i realized he didn't have any clean milk bottles & water left. i had to clean his bottles and boil him water - it wasn't as easy as i thought it was, even preparing stuff to put on his bag. i can just imagine how exhausting it must be to come from work and have to attend to this stuff nightly. it wasn't hard at bath time since jacob loves getting cleaned up - and i've been giving him baths a number of times already. driving wasn't difficult also since jacob knows his place and how to behave inside a moving car already - the car being automatic is a plus though.

we stayed for a couple of hours at the hospital where my nephew was his "super gulo" self. i wish i had the same energy but i was exhausted & sleepy. i drove mom to her former office and the bank to get some money for the hospital. jacob was fast asleep when we got home and i fell asleep soon after. the good thing about my nephew is that he can be real independent seeing him chowing down on his mcdonalds chicken & rice while watching little einsteins on tv. he got that from the ref all by himself. i had to clean his bottles and prepare his water again - then had to clean him up for bedtime. i have to say doing these isn't easy - i'm starting to wish we had a helper right now. i love kids though - and this kid being my nephew, makes me love him ten times over.

i realize being a parent is a lot of hard work. and sacrifices. its no walk in the park. at the end of the day though, seeing their lovely, angelic faces can be extremely gratifying. that should be enough to get me through the night with a smile.

stuck in the middle of nowhere

my boss just sent me a note detailing stuff (i mean really detailing) we need to close urgently - i get the feeling she sent the mail also to convey (subtly) that we were moving quite slow with our project. i somewhat felt guilty because i knew it was true and i actually felt the same way. i'm not cut out for long-term projects because i like the quick-wins better cause it gives you that quick high (of success) like a drug. long-term projects can be boring and i'm finding it difficult to not only pick up where the project left off last time (which is nowhere) but work around the difference in time zones (US vs Asia). i printed the document my boss sent me and i've been staring at it for the last 30mins - sure i can read through it and i know i know what has to be done except that i stare at it and i can't visualize it. normally, i should be able to look at it and be able to visualize a pattern, like pieces of a puzzle falling into place but lately this has been a challenge. my head has slowed down, mainly because of the kind of work i've been doing for the past year and in part because i let it and spent most of my free time on my desktop pc. i suffer now for the consequences of my actions (karma), the world does figure out ways to get back at you.

i'm really stuck right now, moreso the pity cause i'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. again, i really need to figure something out. i've been having streaks of brilliance but they haven't been consistent ... and lasting - and i need to be really really brilliant now. there are a lot of things i need to do to clear my head up and i'd have to start working on getting back my old self. sometimes i can't help but think if this thing i'm going through, the not caring so much attitude, links up with when i made the resolve to forget & move on. i guess doing that made me lose a part of my soul and my heart. was it really worth it? getting my sanity and trading my heart, my emotions for it. maybe, in the short-term. pero soon i know, things are going to be easier. i'm counting down the days.

i don't know you anymore - savage garden

van & i can relate to this song a lot!
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I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but
Someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend
That you've forgiven me

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognise this place
The picture frames have changed
And so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

Springtime in the city
Always such a relief from winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold if you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda
Don't stop keep that chin up you'll be alright
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognise this place
The picture frames have changed
And so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day

So maybe I shouldn't have called
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn't really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognise this place
The picture frames have changed
And so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face

wrist pains

playing volleyball after a considerably long hiatus has its drawback - a sprained thumb & wrist.

i can barely use my right hand now.  it was even difficult eating ribs for lunch today cause

my it was kind of painful using the utensils to peel off the meat from the bones.

 

ugh ... pain.

quickies ...

quickies .... not the sexual kind .... =)

friday sucked big time when i woke up at dawn to check if the internet was working and it still was down from 3pm thursday. that meant i had to be at the makati office around 530am to be ready for my 6am meeting. and yes, i was the only one at the office during that time - nothing supernatural though. i was feeling kinda sicky by the time my meetings ended (around 1230pm) so arlene and i just went for lunch at pancake house and i decided to go home & rest right after i dropped her off the office. it was arlene's oce that day, means she's two terms ahead of me, means if i had not stopped for two terms, i would be taking my oce this term too. oh well, not really rushing but not really delaying. two terms to go - and i'm counting.

saturday was plant tour day and the last day for my first supply chain elective for this term. we went to diethelm at mampalasan for a glimpse of a world class factory and i have to say i was quite impressed. the factory was hi-tech with barcode scanners and a system that tells where to pick the items, very organized and very clean warehouse, and a long, long conveyor belt complete with sensors and fixed scanners. thankfully, after lunch there was a consensus not to go to another warehouse (IDS) down in pasig since (1) it meant we had to drive all the way to pasig from the south; and (2) my head was hurting bad already after the warehouse tour since it was pretty warm inside the building. i was slumped in bed when i got home. and i was craving for some soda. and i was dead tired. and by the way, internet was back that morning.

sunday started early since i had to be at la salle greenhills for the gsb sportsfest. while i didn't enjoy the volleyball games that much (since there were only a few, so-so players), i did enjoy the eyecandies. and there were quite a few of them worth stalking hahaha. we decided to call it quits around 230pm and instead of my original plan to take a shower at the gym, i went home. i was out of the house again by 445pm to attend a despedida. cindy & rod are leaving for singapore this wednesday so we had dinner at italianni's. pasta wasn't that good. salad was awesome. appetizer was so-so. loved the dalandan juice. cheesecake was alright. i am really going to miss cindy, rod and my god daughter camille. i am going to visit them, singapore isn't that far away and that expensive so i am pretty sure it'd be easy to swing by. here are some pictures (could have taken more but i was already running on low batteries physically that night).

starting over

i heaved a sigh of relief when the pc technician i brought my desktop to told me that my files were salvageable. it just needs to be transferred to another hard drive and then my old hard drive reformatted since turning it on & off the day before when the monitor wasn't working corrupted windows. i didn't think twice and bought another 160GB internal hard drive there and asked him to transfer my files, reformat my old hard drive and install windows xp back. i was actually glad for two things : one, that my files were safe (photo's & mp3s & tv shows) and two, that i didn't have to buy a new monitor (since i was eyeing already a lcd monitor). total cost was 4,500. ugh, unforeseen expenditures. well, at least that brought my hdd capacity to 320GB. hehehe

when i got home, it was actually a chore trying to reinstall most of the programs i normally use like utorrent, winamp, musicmatch, adobe photoshop cs, acrobat reader, newer itunes and replacing the antivir software with mcafee. this actually gave me a chance to sort of clean my hard drive - you know start with a more organized (read : OC) filing between both hard drives. mp3s & pictures on one drive. tv shows on another. delete all files & programs & whatevers that i don't use anymore. its a chance to start over.

while writing this, i wondered whether it was this easy to start over - new life, new friends, new career, new environment - new everything. is the difficulty worth it? or are we letting go of some things & some people that are worth keeping? i realized that if i was to start over, i probably will keep a "lot" of people and things. i do have friends that are meant for life and experiences that aren't that great but helped make me into the person i am today.

something's not working

i was playing browsing a clip from smallville yesterday when my desktop monitor at home suddenly died on me and despite my attempts to turn the pc on and off a number of times, it remained in its "off" state. i went to the gym instead hoping that when i get back, the "rest" period would bring everything back to normal. dead wrong. i tried hooking up the monitor to another desktop - nothing. the only other thing i need to check is whether the pc is working - so i need to hook up a test monitor later this morning.

if all else fail, i need to buy a new monitor - damn, another unexpected cash out! i could buy a similar crt monitor which is cheaper but i want this "monitor" instead! and i need to buy that today or i will die without my desktop.

are we this old now?

after school yesterday, i clumsily maneuvered through the side streets between makati and mandaluyong trying to figure out which was the fastest way to edsa shangri la. it was difficult to remember where the "shortcuts" were in mandaluyong having driven there last i think about ten years ago. i felt nostalgic having finally remembered where the right streets to turn to seeing familiar & not-so familiar structures. i passed by where odette lived back in college, vividly remembering times where we drove her home and picked her up for our overnights and gimiks. that really just seemed a few years back - and i was pretty excited to see my other college friends from the northside of town.

it took a while to figure out where to park and i had to stop and ask a guard for advice. when i got to the party place, there were a lot of people there already since i actually came in late (school over-extended that's why). the first one i saw was pam who looked quite beautiful and sexy (she didn't looked like she gave birth a few months ago). i sat down at our assigned table - happy to see familiar faces of dale, gummi, mon, marian, odette and their kids. there were a few celebrities in the event with pam being married to one (ian veneracion) - eula valdes, robert ortega, emilio garcia, jestoni alarcon and ogie diaz were the one's i recognize.

pam and ian's kids were a goodlooking bunch - draco takes from his dad and deirdre is pretty like her mom. i can't believe all my friends have kids now. sometimes i can't believe we're these 30+ something gang now, our lives very different from ten years back. it was a blast from the past seeing ampy and araceli at the party - they were student council officers during my college days. we realized we were still single and i guess we were silently hoping we weren't destined to be single. there's nothing wrong with being single i guess, for one i can flirt with whoever i want without having to think of the consequences. i guess, sometimes you crave to have someone to share life with, to talk, to go out and make out with (hahaha!). but hey who said you can't make out when you're single. i don't really know if i'm ready for a relationship, having been independent for quite awhile, i can get pretty "sakal" easily.

it was fun catching up with my college friends, having occasional chuckles talking about nonsense stuff. it was also nice seeing the kids. it was nice to see them laughing and having so much fun. i love kids - i love how they look so innocent and unmindful of the world's problems. how nice that the simplest of things can put a smile on their face. i love kids because it reminds me of my nephew - and how he'd knock at my door and how, despite a long day, it feels good to see him and get hugs & kisses from him. in another lifetime, i'm pretty sure i'd want to have kids. i know i'd be a good parent because with kids, i know how to be patient. that's the only thing i can be patient about.

when the party ended, we took a few more pictures and decided to schedule to meet for cindy's despedida. leaving ... that word sort of leave a bitter aftertaste ... lots of people i know are leaving ... cindy on the 15th ... jowell on dec1 ... who's next? ali? dj? trixy? some of them i'll probably see a few times a year while some i probably will never see again. i guess i should be thankful that in some way i've come to know them and that knowing them made life brighter, funnier and worth living. i wish everyone the best still ... and if its not too much to ask, to try and keep in touch.

for more pictures, click the link : duccio's christening & deirdre's birthday party

saturday

i'm sitting here listening to my professor talk about scanners, barcodes and rfids. the only thing that makes me feel relaxed right now is that despite the late start, i think our group came out with a pretty decent paper. we're scheduled to present our paper in the afternoon and i'm feeling confident about it. presentations is kind of second-nature to me now, having done so many presentations in the past nine years in intel. i can't remember the last time i had to do a term paper, its actually been quite a while and its good that i have this term to get myself ready for strama next term. i think i've always been quite good at writing term papers, and even better at reorganizing and making it presentable. i actually like making my paper and my presentations colorful. my belief is that having a presentable paper creates the impression that there was a lot of work done to acccomplish it.

i kind of feel sicky right now and i still have to go to a get together after school at edsa shangri la. i hope this feeling of like getting the flu doesn't push through - i have tight deadlines next week for my EMS project. i need to make this presentation "brilliant" so i can get off to a good start and secure that promotion i am looking for in april. i remain optimistic.

coasting

while i would have preferred not to leave the house last tuesday, we had a scheduled group meeting @ gloria jeans in fort bonifacio that night. surprisingly, i felt calm and collected during the meeting despite the paper and the presentation being due this coming saturday for our world-class warehouse management class. m's company isn't that complicated - its a small-scale business right now so the aca's won't be that complicated to formulate. wi-fi was supposed to be free @ gloria jeans but unfortunately, their wi-fi network was down that night - bummer! but hey, seems nice though that there are a few establishments offering free wi-fi nowadays. so i'm adding gloria jeans-fort and errr shell-magallanes to my short list. i guess the free wi-fi is just a come-on for gloria jeans since i find their coffee only passable. hey, i did like the walnut brownie though. as expected, traffic was slow when i went home and it took me a good 30mins @ 11pm to reach home along sucat road only.

lately, i feel like i've just been coasting through life - work & school. i've not been really putting a lot of effort to anything lately. that attitude really scares me. maybe its because a lot of people are moving out that it can be emotionally affecting most of the time. i'm not really worried about being left behind right now - i have a job and its success depends on how much work i put into it. the only thing that worries me is whether or not my hearts into this. i don't know how long "just trying to get by" can take me - probably not too far ahead to where i want to be. i am going to try work to getting back on track in the next couple of weeks. i am not losing hope.

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i miss my intel friends. more now that a number of them have left or are leaving. we did have good years together - really fun, happy gimiks that i could count. maybe they don't know or i haven't told them but I DO MISS ALL OF YOU. hopefully, our friendship doesn't end when they leave the company and that we can figure out a way to keep in touch. for those who's still waiting with me, we still have one another - we can still have fun times, if we make an effort. life goes on.