disconnected

since i got back monday, the internet connection at home is still not working. today is day 4 and i've been calling to follow-up every day for the past three days. despite my still existing bouts with jetlag, i had to drive to the cavite plant two days in a row now - what a sacrifice (lol)! its almost three weeks of downloading backlog and i'm going to have a hard time catching up seeing the shows i love.

i honestly can't imagine being this disconnected. its torture not being able to surf the internet or blog even. the last two weeks of blogging hiatus was a welcome change - being quite busy and tired from the whole day meetings, my head was too tired by day's end to even think about blogging. now that i'm back and still disconnected, there's nothing a whole lot to do at home than watch tv (which i rarely do these days) and try to shake off this jetlag. it'll be easy to just pop some sleeping pills but i make it a point on not taking any sleep aids during the weekday. if i haven't managed to get back my sleep cycle, i'll probably take some friday night.

so please pldt .... fix my darn DSL NOW!!!

hard choices

taking the last two weeks to think things through proved to be time well-spent. in more ways, i think God rewarded me with the signs i prayed for and i found it wasn't really that hard to convince myself i was making the right decision. i would have preferred to convey my decision via e-mail when i got back but my internet was down (for the last two days, frak!) and as much as i wanted to delay getting back at them, i received their follow-up call yesterday. after the phonecall, i decided to send them an e-mail using my mobile phone.

"Thank you for your interest in offering me a place in your prestigious company.

It is unfortunate that at this time, due to the current state of my family, we have decided that it is best for me to stay for the time being. I am very thankful for this opportunity and wish you all the best. I hope that I will have the pleasure to work with you in the future."

a lot of friends had all given very sound advice and i have read and taken all of it to heart. some of you may feel i squandered a perfectly good opportunity and maybe i did but i know in my heart this decision was right for me. there was a fleeting feeling of loss after i told them about my decision but after seeing my nephew, getting hugged and showered with kisses, i couldn't imagine life without him. i know some of my friends would not agree with my decision - believe me it was a hard decision to make because in some ways, moving abroad was like a dream. i realized though that some dreams are better left where they are because the reality is this - where i will be happy is with my family, and there's not enough money they can offer to replace that.

back at it again

i'm back at the airport again. i am about two hours early for my flight to LA and i sit here staring once again into a near empty gate. phoenix isn't busy right now but its going to be soon since next week is going to be the superbowl. i'd have to say that i love arizona despite the heat - i have friends here and a lot of memories and experiences made. if things work out, i don't know if i will be able to come back.

the last week has been a flurry of activities. one face to face after another dragged for so long i felt worn out by the end of it. my colds has been on and off which is likely of my own doing for not getting restful sleep nightly. i ate so much the past week that i hardly believe what the weighing scale says now. i have resolved myself that there's no escape to gaining a whole lot of weight during this trip. seeing gizie and how good she looks now from all the gym workout and healthy eating gives me motivation to go back to the gym.

still an hour to go and i'm running out of things to say. i hope i get better during the trip because i don't want to come back all sickly. i'm going to miss az.

time's almost up ...

i am in the last leg of this trip. i still do have mixed feelings about leaving on saturday - can't wait to get back home to see my friends and my loved ones (my sweet sweet nephew) but at the same time wanting to postpone having to make a decision.

i've been up late almost every night since i got here - there's just me and these trips to the other side of the world. i get jetlags pretty bad. over the past week, i've shopped mostly for the fam which in a way is uncharacteristic of me since i usually shop more for myself. this time though, i feel like buying clothes is not a worthy investment (yes, i still treat clothing as investment --- may ukay-ukay na kasi hahaha) cause i think i've gained too much weight that i am a size bigger than what i usually wear. so NOT a lot of clothing for me. i've mostly packed already having the done the due diligence of packing early to see where everything fits - and so far, i think i need to be creative packing some of the remaining stuff.

over the last couple of weeks, well-meaning friends have shared a lot of their thoughts regarding the SG offer. I'd have to say friends were split into two - those who thinks i should take it and those who think i should stay. coincidentally, i asked both my mom and sister about it and they both have differing opinions. i did ask my nephew about it and of course he wants me to stay. in a way i think i would have been leaning towards accepting the offer when i got back the last week UNTIL i got the call from jfc/rr. that sort of threw a wrench on everything. honestly, despite the opportunities that SG offers, my heart tells me that i would be happier staying - seeing my nephew grow and being with my family and my friends. there's still some more time left to think about it. so yeah, time's almost up.

catching up

things have been quite hectic the last few days with the face-to-face and all the post-meeting stuff that had to be taken cared of that there was never really any good time to write. its pretty cold in arizona right now at -2 deg celsius that in the first two day's i had a terrible cold which abated pretty quickly after taking tylenol cold multi-symptom. i still have been sniffling the past two days though but taking the tylenol cold (night) gave me a really great night's sleep. so i'm ready to do some shopping later on.

one of the great news for this week has been, i would say, an answered prayer. i received a call from jfc/rr around midnight three days ago informing me that they are going to set up a meeting. there's no formal offer yet of course and its still a risk, and before receiving this call, i was already leaning more on accepting the SG offer after much debate. now i am not so sure.

in my first week, i've managed to buy a few pieces of clothing that i really needed but i've been happily shopping clothes and shoes for my dear nephew. i just couldn't resist it, a lot of really great clothes for him. today, i'd start shopping for the fam. its a good and bad thing that i'm not in my best shape right now - good, because i'm not really too keen in buying bigger sized shirts right now, and bad, because i can't buy new clothes. Go figure.

last night, giz, larry and myself had dinner at oregano's. we ordered quite a handful, more than what the three of us could finish. oregano's is one of our favorite restaurants. great pizza. great salad. and a really awesome pizza cookie dessert topped with two scoops of vanilla bean ice cream. giz and larry have both been really great hosts during my stay here. they've really been taking good care of me and i'm so inspired by gizie's dedication to healthy living nowadays. its time i do the same when i get back - for now, i have to enjoy this trip.

lastly, annie (bless her heart) did such a wonderful thing for me this week that i am very very thankful for. grad school released a schedule to file for an application-to-graduate and all the due dates pretty much were impossible for me being here in the US. annie completed all of my requirements, even advanced the PHp2.2k payment so i can march during the graduation ceremony this coming march'08. Thank you Annie! And yes, i would have done the same thing for you!

can i leave him behind?

my sister tells me my nephew misses me back home. she sent me a text message while i was at the airport that my nephew cried after i got off the car and said he was going to miss me. jacob can be so dramatic sometimes - but that kind of sweetness, love is nothing short of genuine. i really miss him already. my sister says jacob always says he misses me (with tears in his eyes pa) everyday. it makes it harder to consider leaving him if i decide to move to singapore. the clock is ticking and i need to make a decision soon. so far, with all the people i've talked to, it seems that going for it is the right thing to do. maybe i know the answer to begin with and i am just afraid to accept it. i'm still praying for the sign - and to hopefully not have to be apart from my nephew who i love with all of me.

sicky sicky

it must be the cold, the lack of sleep, the long flight - but i felt sick the whole day yesterday. the meds knocked me out last night that i didn't even realized it was past 9am already. giz and larry were already at the office by then but giz was kind enough to leave me breakfast at the microwave. i spent the day working and dozing off, not necessarily in that order but it was hard to concentrate because i was feeling weak the entire time. since giz was going to the gym after work and larry was going out for pool night, i decided to prepare dinner instead. it was the first time i was doing this dish but it was simple enough that it turned out nicely - chicken cordon bleu. and instead of frying it, i baked it in the oven so it was healthier. the mushroom gravy needed a lot of adjusting (might have put a little too much salt) before i managed to get it right. probably too thin for others but i thought it was just the right consistency to slather onto the chicken and brown rice. yep, its easier to eat healthier here.

in between worlds

sitting around waiting for my connecting flight, i realized how lonely traveling can get. there's a lot of people traveling but most know no one during the flight. we all sit around minding our own business while the whole world pass by. airports, for me, feels some kind of limbo - its a way between worlds where you leave people you know behind and then move on to the next gate where you meet people you know. for more than 18 hours, it felt like i was in limbo. traveling, after some time, can suck the life and joy out of you - specially when you are traveling alone. excited to finally be back almost seven months from last time i was here, i know i am going to enjoy the shopping, the dining out and seeing friends i've made here in chandler. in some ways, being here so much over the last couple of years makes me feel so at home. its a good thing this trip is going to be only two weeks because i already miss the fam back home specially my nephew, who cried when they dropped me off the airport saying he was going to miss me. two weeks for the trip is not so good because it means i have to make a decision soon. this week is going to be a very busy one for me and hopefully the week after is lighter. i should get a headstart on my shopping tomorrow!

considerations ...

the thing about having to make decisions is that its hard when you have a lot of factors to consider. i've been quite open to a few close friends about this whole adventure that i decided to take a few months back and today was no different. there is just comfort in being to hear what they have to say - like taking all the variables and inputs before making any calculations. i was beset the whole day on what's the best way to make a decision that i decided to invite car & bel and take solace in prayer - and what better way to do that than go visit the chapel where the pink sisters pray. yes, i find peace in prayer and i (and my family) went to this chapel a couple of times during the trying times. if there was a way to make a sound decision, this was it for me.

i realized talking to friends that what is being offered is quite good. doing the math, its a very good offer if i was single or if my family would be with me in SG. having to support them in manila and having to live independently will mean the expenses sort of doubles. that puts quite a big dent on "supposed" savings. peso per peso, at the same salary, it definitely is much more advantageous to stay in the country.

the other more major factor is the thought of not seeing and being with my nephew feels unbearable. if going there is a sure way to provide him with a secure future, that is the sacrifice to make. its not me trying to be a hero, its me accepting the responsibility that we owe it to him to have a future. i told him last night i was going to ride the airplane and will be away from home and he hugged me and told me "i want you to stay here, uncle!" what can you say to that? and more importantly, how will you feel about that?

i am praying deeply for the local company i am interested in to make an offer that i can compare to. this is definitely going to be something that will occupy my head at least for the next couple of weeks. foregoing this opportunity is an option definitely. take a chance and wait for the rr/j to make an offer or if that doesn't work out, continue to look for other prospects and risk getting a similar salary (which probably still isn't bad).

right now, i am praying for a sign.

the ball is in my court

the came in unexpectedly and x/ officially made an offer already. the offer is actually within expectations (not so high, not so low) - let's just say it was mid of the range i asked for. i also get free 14-day housing, reimbursible one-way ticket, rsu, profit sharing and up to 600lbs of cargo. i just have to say "yes" and that will be it - what i've long wanted to do - click the send button for the "this is me ... signing off." letter. i'm going to have to take the 2-week business trip as an excuse not to give them a response for the time being. and i'd have to do everything i can to try and follow-up rr/j with their offer. Lord, i need options.

my name is jay ...

i got this from online friends rudi & ric ... since i couldn't think of anything to write about, i thought i'd just post this ... and yes, what is written here are quite true. mahusay!!!

You entered: Jay Fernando Sison Santos

There are 22 letters in your name.
Those 22 letters total to 88
There are 8 vowels and 14 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Sanskrit	Male	Victorious.
Hindi	Male	Various deities in Hindi classical mythological writings are named Jay.
German	Male	Swift.
French	Male	Bluejay.
English	Male	To rejoice (from the Latin 'Gaius'). The name of a bird. Used as a diminutive for any name starting with 'J', and can also be used as a nickname for someone who talks a lot.
English	Female	To rejoice (from the Latin Gaius). The name of a bird. Used as a diminutive for any name starting with J, and can also be used as a nickname for someone who talks a lot.

Your number is: 7

The characteristics of #7 are: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating.

The expression or destiny for #7:
Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. You are so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that you can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

Your Soul Urge number is: 8

A Soul Urge number of 8 means:
With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flair for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition.

Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you're a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment.

The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn.

Your Inner Dream number is: 8

An Inner Dream number of 8 means:
You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

if you want to know what your name means : http://www.paulsadowski.com/Numbers.asp

screwed up monday

i should have known that waking up at past 6 when i was planning for 430am was a sign. sometimes you just know that the day is going to be one of those "not so good" days. while rushing to take a bath, i realized i must have programmed my mobile alarm to 430am but did not activate it - strike one. i rushed to honda makati to meet my 7am appointment and when i got there, i couldn't see my plate number from the appointment list. i double checked my text appointment and i mistakenly made an appointment for jan 8 (tuesday) instead - strike two. i checked if they will be able to accommodate me since i was there already and after some haggling, they said they can finish by around 4pm. ok, its only 715am by this time. it was going to be a long day and i was thinking whether it would be wise to commute going home and then just come back. i decided to stay and walked to shell magallanes where there was free internet. luckily, i was able to sign in to the office and finish some important emails. it wasn't bad hanging out at the cafe of the gas station, the only downside to it is i think i've shortened my life from all the carbon monoxide i've absorbed. and definitely all the black ashlike emissions that stuck on my poor skin. maybe because i wasn't thinking about it that much that i managed to avoid a strike 3. i did manage to get through the day, even managed to get a foot scrub to waste time a bit. the whole service thing did not finish by 4pm (like always) and they keeping me updated through text was too much to hope for. i got out around 530pm with a P14K bill. pretty steep for that much trouble. keeping a car, maintaining it is big money drain. if public transportation was very efficient in manila, i'd join the thousands of commuters. i'll probably be able to use my ipod more and i'd get some free exercise.

i made it

"Congratulations, you passed!"

After my panel chair said those three very important words, it was like the word was at a standstill. smiling didn't seem to matter anymore because all throughout the presentation and the questions, i was all smiles. it wasn't because i knew i would passed because that was the farthest thought in my mind while presenting. it was because i learned, through years of practice & experience presenting, that smiling has a positive effect - well, of course you look doubly better but the more important thing is you have grace under pressure. i remember this because in one of my subjects, the professor said i and another groupmate were good presenters and we managed to answer his questions - the only thing that made me better than my groupmate was that even if i got stumped with a question i wasn't sure how to answer, i was still smiling. but what does passing my oral comprehensive exam (oce) mean? it means i'm officially done with my graduate studies. i now hold a Master of Business Administration degree major in Supply Chain Management from De La Salle University. Yay!

truth be told, i was pretty anxious when i got to school today after attending a dinner/despedida last night. i could have skipped it for a really good reason but i wanted to see my friends and i wanted to see jing before she leaves for san francisco. telling my friends i was having my oce the following day put undue pressure on me because everyone sort of expected me to pass. yikes, its not that i'm selling myself short - its just hmmm i dunno "bilog ang bola." honestly i couldn't really thank my friends enough for giving me words of encouragement, for giving me tips and everything they can remember from their own experience. i am so blessed to have found friends in these wonderful bunch of people. i could not have passed without them. love you peeps!

first day back

the trip to cavite was quite quick today probably because a lot of the peeps are still in holiday limbo. driving to the big blue is always tiring but i decided to start this year right and work from the office instead. the first few hours were spent catching up with folks i haven't seen in a while - its always nice to chit-chat but having been away for quite a time, there are a lot of things to catch up. incidentally, today was also ice, agnes & cherry's day to pack the last pieces of their personal stuff. it feels surreal that these people i've worked with for the past 10 years are leaving - all at the same time. while unconfirmed, it feels like its just a matter of time before what we've always speculated will become reality. a lot of people i've worked have bailed out or are starting to. ten years with this company is indeed a long time - i can't even believe i've lasted that long. in a way i'd have to say that despite the pressures and the hard work, i really did genuinely enjoyed the first 8 years of my work. The last two - despite the multitude of travels, there's just no sugarcoating when you get shortchanged. i should have zigged when i zagged - i should have paid attention to the signs, heeded the warnings of my peers - but i wanted to believe people are inherently good. got burned once, got burned twice. hopefully, the "it comes in three's" doesn't apply here. i used to have really good instincts, pretty much able to size up people after a few conversations but there are people more adept at hiding their deviousness. one things for sure though, there's karma so i won't wish for bad things to happen because the universe has a way of leveling the playing field.

we had lunch/despedida sorta for ice, agnes and cherry. i still can't believe i won't be seeing any of them next week or when i come back from my trip. been hanging out with ice for like the longest time and not being able to see and chat with him is truly a sad thing.

its funny but in my head, i've sort of been rehearsing when the time comes for me to make my grand exit. i haven't figured out what kind of fancy e-mail i should write. i see all this in my head, clear as day. its just a matter of time i know, but i know in my heart - that time is coming. and its coming soon.