an ending

dear mcbaby,

i'm getting a lot of flak on my message board and on my mobile from well-meaning friends on my previous post. i was contemplating on what retort was befitting of the conversation i had with trixy, albeit it was via text messaging. there's really so much i still want to say and so many things i wished i could have changed if i could. i don't want to start having a litany of what and how i feel about you because i've been doing that for the last five years, and a lot of you have grown weary of the same old story. trying to stop what i feel for you has been my greatest challenge - and i want everyone to know (so you don't think it hasn't been a struggle) that i have been doing the best i can, the best way i know how to forget about you. sometimes i've resigned myself to play the bad guy, the bad friend, the bad whatever - did stupid things uncharacteristic of myself. that maybe if i was bad enough, then i wouldn't be the kind of person you would hang out with. maybe its working, maybe its not - i dunno. sana na lang my friends know na every time i avoid you and everytime i shift to indifference mode, that hurts more than any of you can imagine. but this post is not about that - we're past that.

this letter would be the last one addressed to you. i'm saying goodbye. i want to let you know that you don't have to do anything, much less feel guilty - the weight of this is all on me. let me dance my own dance and i don't need you or anyone to feel sorry for me because i'll be fine. who would have thought five years ago that we'd end up this way?

"One of the keys to life: the fast forward. Every movie has its lousy parts. The trick is to fast forward through them. As time passes, you look back and say oh, that little thing, oh that. You fast forward to then right now, and you're over it. " - ally mcbeal

yuan*