temporary goodbye

10 years after college. that's how long our little group of friends have managed to keep in touch even through once a year gatherings, birthday parties or lately through 1st bday celebrations. while mai and baloy have left for canada and colorado respectively years ahead, we still manage to keep in touch, make 'lait' each other and laugh about nonsense stuff even through email.

last night, we held a despedida dinner for karen and luther (lot as he's called) at borakay (ala dampa) in paranaque. karen, heidi and i go a long way back in college - frequent groupmates and inevitably thesis mates. lot was karen's neighbor and he was taking mechanical eng'g back then. heidi and i were witnesses to karen & lot's love story - the sweet 'ligaw' moments and the childish bickering sometimes. but in a way true love prevails in the end, as we also were witnesses to them eventually tying the knot. now, they are proud parents of two very beautiful girls, the youngest (andi) of which is my goddaughter.

it's nice to see old friends again. there's just so much history among us already that i think we all will be tied to each other until we're old and gray. 10 years after and we're still together. i think these are the friendships that lasts a lifetime - those that are worth keeping. and though we wallow at the thought that we're all past thirty, we look back and see we've lived the last 10 years in color. and we realize that that in itself is blessing enough.

goodbye alice in wonderland

i managed to download jewel's latest album one week in advance of its scheduled release date on may 2 (thanks to the internet). compared to her previous album 0304, this is jewel sort of going back to the music people have known her for. i read that this is her most personal album so far and it does showcase jewel's impressive talent.

right now, i'm so engrossed in the title track. you can expect the lyrics to be hard to decipher some times but they're very well crafted that you get lost humming to her songs.

jewel is really one of my favorite artists. this album is right now is heavy on my ipod playlist. i think i played "goodbye alice in wonderland" 5x just this morning.

full-packed saturday

gym wasn't that bad last saturday - i was debating whether the energy i had to do most of the reps came from the extra joss i had or me improving from the last three intense workouts. ronald was his usual patient self throughout the whole 'ordeal' but he was quite chatty when i was already doing my cardio exercises. ronald is 24yo, has passed his physical therapy board and is just waiting for his papers to get approved. he's a product of dlsu-dasma and like his collegues, they're working as PT's (personal trainers) at fitness first for the time being. i was telling him about my upcoming schedules (travel, gimiks) so we can work out on my program and sorta match that with my availability. i appreciate having a PT right now, cause it makes me really focused and my workouts are always fruitful - not to mention i stay in the gym 1 1/2 hours tops.

van and i watched "pamahiin" at festival in the afternoon. the movie wasn't really good, it had some suspenseful moments and if it wasn't for dennis trillo, i think the movie would not be worth watching.

van and i met with jerk, park and ali to play badminton. 2nd time to play badminton and i'm not that good yet - i think if i play more frequently i'd get the hang of it and manage to hit the shuttlecock all the time. we played from 8-11pm and when i got home, i realized how hungry i was. i had some chicken after taking a long, cold (kala nyo warm no) shower. i was squeeky clean (thanks to johnson's super mabula baby soap) when i went to bed. sleep never felt so good that night.

5 lbs lighter

i am officially at 175 lbs yesterday. that is 5 lbs lighter from the last one & a half weeks. Still 20 lbs shy of the 155 lbs i am aiming for. ronald, my PT, has actually been quite patient with me during the program. i laughed when he said "mas malayo magagawa natin if you will stop complaining." - he wasn't sarcastic, he was just raising a point and he was smiling throughout. i told him i'm not really in a super hurry and i want to phase myself. its been 2 1/2 weeks since i stopped eating rice - i guess i'm surviving because i do take some carbo but they're very minimal. i eat mostly soup, vegetables & fish, some pork/beef if i can bite them. i guess that's helping me slim down faster.

i'm kinda excited to go back to the US in june - well, while my birthday actually coincides with the trip & the IMEC conference ... i'm excited at the prospect of shopping and visiting places (maybe i'll finally see the damn grand canyon) and taking new pictures. the only challenge in that trip will likely be the temptation to over-indulge in all those yummy food. ahhh what about the krispy kremes? the cheesecake factory? its going to be fish, salad & fruits for me!

i heard that sponge bob will be joining the IMEC conference as a delegate. Now i'd have to rethink if i will drive all the way from arizona to san diego and see the biatch.

break me - jewel

jewel is one of my all-time fave artists ... aside from looking really hot, her kind of music is unique & extraordinary.

Click here to launch music video

1. BREAK ME

video code provided by singingfool.com

tripping lang

possible upcoming trips :

(W21) probably a short trip to pudong in shang hai, china with ursula slavens. then back to manila that same week.
(W22-?) off to the US for a 4-6wk trip. i still have to work with wendy on the agenda. shadow some fsm activities. i think the trip will last until my birthday. i'd have to take my family out on my birthday when i come back.

what's on my shoplist?
1. canon underwater camera case - i think this will really come handy for the cdo trip - whitewater rafring, waterfalls, water water everywhere. that'll make sure we get some really great shots in any weather. this is on top of my list & i'm wondering how much it costs since i haven't really googled/amazoned for it.
2. new balance rubber shoes - join the bandwagon! peer pressure! 'nuff said.
3. old navy, gap, banana rep, a&f, hollister - these are a few of my fave shops.
4. jeans - buy a few more pairs. i loved the levi's loose straight jeans i bought in the US last time.
5. oakley - right now i have a rudy project. time to get an oakley.

i'm sure i could think of a lot more stuff to buy once i'm there. can't wait.

sleeping beauty

fcuk! i forgot i had to attend an important meeting at 10 last night. i'm not making excuses but my lower back was bothering me the whole day last night so i placed a couple of salonpas strips and slept at around 9pm. no, its not rayuma - for the record - i think i did too much sit-ups last monday at the gym. 90 sit-ups, 180 side sit-ups. no wonder i have muscle spasms.

what the hell am i going to tell my boss later? aaarrrgghhhh

first time this year

yesterday was the first time i attended mass this year. what is tragic is that i do believe in the merits & graces of attending church services during sundays - the hour i gain in personal time is not worth really compared to the blessings i should receive from hearing mass.

i went to hear mass at St Jerome's church near ATC yesterday at six and the church was packed with people spilling over as faraway as the whole parking block. i like hearing mass alone cause there are no distractions, i can listen intently to what the priest is saying and i can pray without being tempted to pass the time chatting with friends. come to think of it, i actually like being inside the church (minus the multitude of peeps & the heatwave) because i can talk to Him openly & temporarily forget how busy the world outside is. i decided to go to church because i read in the paper that easter is actually more important than christmas. while christmas is still something to celebrate, easter has a special significance because it helps remind us of Jesus' triumph over death & the liberation of our sins. a reminder of the ultimate sacrifice - and i wanted to thank Him not only for that but for all the blessings i have received during the past year.

i looked at the variety of people around me - some with their bf/gf, others with their families, others yet with their little children. i couldn't help but ask myself about what legacy i will leave in this world if i won't have children or would my existence not have mattered at all if i didn't contribute to the world's population. honestly, i love children - a lot! and i do think i will be a good parent! but i don't think that kind of life (marriage & all) is for me (except the children).

so where does it leave me? i think in the book of life, each of us have different parts to play. that while not everyone were meant to populate this world, we each have our own contributions. right now, i am just thankful to be alive, thankful that God is always there for my family, that i have good friends and i am lucky to know how it feels to love somebody else.

decisions

i made up my mind that if the US trip is something that is firmed up already (will confirm by monday) then i will have to prioritize that over school. d was right, if i am not really rushing to finish my mba and this is work-related, then i should choose the trip over school. i can always count on d for good advice, whether it'll be about which professor i should take or stuff like these. this is considering d is six or seven years younger, he can really be all-grown up on one side and a kid on the other. so there ... school will have to take a backseat.

ali & i had an early dinner last night at conti's. we gorged ourselves with baked new zealand mussels (overdosed with garlic & cheese) and each had a full serving of baked salmon. i'd have to say salmon is one of my all-time favorite fish - weird, but i just love the pinkish color of that fish (hahahaha). so despite the difficult task of eating with the braces & trying to make sure no fish bits gets stuck on the wiring, i actually enjoyed the salmon. 4 days with no rice - and not craving for it - i am really making a lot of progress. my diet today may not be a total carbo shutout but i'm pretty sure its going to help me lose some weight.

today is maunday thursday. every where is quite quiet i can only hear the distant whirring of the electric fan (later na ulit aircon, medyo cool pa naman) and the birds chirping. hearing the birds chirping made me miss last year when i was in bora. again, that was one of the best getaways ever. it was just so relaxing waking up & taking breakfast by the seashore. sigh, i really wish i was back in bora right now.

i realized that there are a lot of stuff i can make 'great' in my current job right now. things are actually coming together and presenting itself as opportunities to shine. i can always see when there is something worthwhile, where i can contribute - and reap recognitions. but again, its up to me to seize that opportunity and i have been trying, albeit with little success, to jumpstart my ju-ju (grey's anatomy?) and get my gears moving. if i want to get promoted, then i better start doing some heavy lifting (and i'm not referring to weights). i think the holy week will be good for me to start getting my act together. so peeps in my group better watch out. next week, i will make a comeback and i'm going to show them why i am where i am today. todo na 'to!

watch out for the new & improved ME! 'nuff said!

unexpected dilemma

my boss sent me an instant message awhile ago and i casually asked her about a planned face-to-face meeting in the US sometime in W20 and she told me that she is planning to send me to the US for 4-6 weeks for some benchmarking, training, skill-building for all these projects i'm involved with on COG & speed model and who knows what-else. it should be good news for me really except that it will happen anytime after w21 and i will have a skip school again. just when i was really looking forward to finishing all my subjects by end of this year, up pops this opportunity. it actually is good news, well except that june starts to get warm/hot in arizona, and you know how i hate the super hot desert climate. so on monday, i'd have to get back to my boss about the trip - all fingers pointing now with me having to go and skipping school. thanks to a, r & d for giving me sane & good advice.

i dunno. right now, i'm not really keen on doing too many travels. just lazy i guess.

tuesday night out

last night's impromptu gimik in tagaytay made me realize that i will dealing with more of this braces difficulties for next year or so. my teeth are really sensitive right now because the wires that were placed are starting to move my teeth around - biting is an effort now and this one sharp wire is bothering my gums. i literally just swallowed tiny pieces of the yellow cab pizza we had for dinner last night and just had a small piece of la pinay (at cafe breton) for dessert. ice cream though is quickly becoming a favorite since eating it is numbing.

we're now having regular "poker" nights and last night was no exception. i guess those who lost in the previous poker nights wanted to get back the money they lost and win some. ahhh, gambling. i don't really like gambling - its such a bad way to lose money. it seems more fun though to play with money cause we tried playing a few hands with nothing to lose or gain and it was no fun at all. i guess the risks of winning or losing makes the game more appealing. since i'm not really big on gambling, i just dealt the cards for most of the game last night.

its a good feeling to spend the night hanging out with friends and not have to think about having an exam come friday or have some paper due the coming weekend. i've already set my limit to 2 to 3 bottles of beer if i am driving (which is usually the case) - and since i kinda get flushed already on my 2nd bottle, its kind of an appropriate limit.

wtf

i went back to the gym yesterday and asked one of the PT (personal trainor) if i can have a fat analysis done. ronald (PT guy) was quite friendly and he readily took my fat analysis. So i gave him my stats, 31yo and 5'8.5" tall (pag walang shoes, 5'9 pag meron) and the result came back showing i am 20% above the 'excellent' goal of 14%. I need to lose around 39lbs and my weight using the electronic scale was at 175lbs. seriously? i wanted to tell ronald there must something freaking wrong with your equipment hahahaha but hey that is on the 'excellent' scale. i only plan to lose around 25lbs, build some muscle on my arms and get some abs. so yeah, i hired ronald as my PT - i'm really determined right now so i just gave them my credit card and voila, 12 sessions paid - hahaha! 1st session starts thursday.

ronald gave me a free workout last night, just some basic total conditioning stuff. i did the rolodex for cardio for 30 freakin' minutes (i only do 15mins) and i thought i was going to faint when it finished. I did 90 reps of ab rolls (believe me, this HURT bad!) - doesn't 'ab rolls' sound like some kind of food? 30 reps of tricep exercises, 30 reps of leg push, 30 reps of bicep curls, 30 reps of chest and 30 reps of back. the weights on the machine weren't that heavy mind you and i almost gave up in some of the exercises. damn! i'm such a weakling. 12 sessions ... that's 6 weeks if we meet twice a week. 6 weeks of hardship ... the things you do to look better!

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d passed his OCE last friday so he's officially done with MBA after the graduation ceremonies. it was a common friend who buzzed me about his OCE last friday so when i learned he passed, i sent him a congratulatory text. d said he's treating and invited me to dinner+ saturday along with his other MBA friends, most of which i didn't really know. between my braces & my inability to eat & my being lazy last saturday, i took a raincheck. i should have gone really. d has been a really good friend, even though our friendship was built online (yeah, constant YM companion). so now i owe him. =)

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later on, i'm going to have my first braces adjustment. not really looking forward to it cause of all the horror stories i've heard. i have a high tolerance for pain though but a few advils probably will be a great relief. i haven't had rice for the last three days (not counting the instant guinataang mais which i don't really consider as rice) - just had soup mostly. so i'm already looking forward to losing weight which sorta fits perfectly to my gym plans.

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arnoldo asked me last week hypothetically if they can get BK to approve the last AO headcount if KT is going to support a relocation considering that its a 2-year assignment. there's good & bad news here - the good news is that i'm still on top of arnoldo's list for the relocation. the bad news is that i'm not sure about the KT stuff. if i'm not reporting to the factory then why would KT have anything to say about it? isn't it reason enough that they're considering a filipino for the position? i dunno, i want to write a lot of nasty comments about it but i will just leave it to God on what is best for me. that never failed me.

things i know for sure

there are actually so many uncertainties in life right now that sometimes you feel like you are just there along for the ride. there are a few things however, i am certain of ...

1. i love my nephew. having my nephew is one of the great joys in my life. seeing him growing up, give me that big tight hug, plant that big wet kiss and wave me goodbye every morning is priceless. he is just so adorable that everytime i see him, my day brightens up.
2. "... that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you!" yes, i will never regret the day that i met you and i will gladly take that road again with all the pain and heartache that comes with it. knowing you has made my life more meaningful, more colorful. you will never really know how much love i have for you but i give that without asking for anything in return.
3. God gave me good friends. what really is left to say here? i've been blessed to know so many people who accept me for who i am. period. these are people who will not hesitate to be seen with me, who enjoy my company, and who will be there for me through the good and bad times.
4. life can be good and bad at times. and that makes it worth living. there are no permanent things, life moves on and we can't always be at the bottom of the wheel. how we do in life depends on what we do with life!

sick cycle carousel

the wave of depression hit me smack in the face last tuesday. i guess all those negative energies spewing out of van, jona and some other people i know were downright infectious. i woke up today still with that glum look on my face not looking forward to another work day. somewhere inside i knew things weren't going to be different from the last two days.

is this really going to be a cycle? no matter how brief this period lasts, its quite emotionally draining and it feels like my head is going to explode from all the chaotic nonsense i'm trying to process. i wish i had my happy pill this week. i wish not having my happy pill this week was just a brief respite and it doesn't spell the end of my endorphin fix. right now, i'm in SPA mode (self-pity again). trying to remain cheerful though. silver lining - not smiling does good at keeping the wrinkles at bay. still a win-win scenario then.

last written exam tomorrow but i still have to go through a hundred pages of review materials. no math here which is what i am good at. if this was essay, i probably will breeze through it. i learned that writing about your actual experiences/scenarios in graduate school always beats the theoretical mumbo-jumbo. 'Cause hey, this is for real, concepts in action - no beating that. 100 pages. read half of it. very little recollection.

wishin' the cloud of gloom lifts soon. iinom na lang ito.

in blog limbo

my friends have been bugging me about the lackluster look of my blog for the past few weeks (or months) after having their individual blogs overhauled by our resident design artist, dj. i actually have a few blog designs already started out months before everybody elses but my lack of html skills left me clueless how to integrate it into the existing code. for some reason, i never found the time to send dj all the files necessary for my new blog design so i got stuck in blog remodeling limbo.

next week, i will work on updating the files for my blog look update. if that will not work, i probably will move to another blog address. i was contemplating yesterday whether i should just change templates altogether and start from scratch. i want to keep the blog page simple, crisp and not a lot of things to crowd the page. just a plain journal of things that are in my head.

but for now, it serves its purpose.

love story overdose

dear fish,

i read a blog today about this guy who was seriously in love with his sister's bestfriend for the longest time. the girl just saw him as "kuya" and so he turned to blogging to air out his feelings of unrequited love along with the pains that went with it. jeff (the guy) was very articulate in his blog entries, sometimes funny and sometimes downright serious that you'd be instantly hook to his sad love story. reading jeff's blog made my day so much that i couldn't stop thinking how similar and different my (love) life is compared to him.

i think one of the great tragedies in life is pining for someone who could never love you back the way you want to in return. i guess the truth is that fairy tales and happy ever afters do not really happen that often in real life. and the real truth is that, like me, there are a lot of people whose heart breaks everyday. if you ask how painful unrequited love is, i would tell you there is really no words to describe it - you just all of a sudden feel a vast emptiness inside you, a deep longing and an overwhelming feeling of sadness. that's how you make me feel most of the time.

i know i should fold (poker term) soon. there are really no more cards left to play, it has been a losing hand from the beginning but i decided to gamble a bit just to see where it takes me. i should have folded while i had the chance and now i feel desperate for a way out.

tama sila, life's a bitch. move on.

desperately seeking,
yuan*

brace myself

after procastinating for a year i finally went to see my dentist today and made the arrangements to have my braces fitted by friday. so yeah, i'm getting braces. its my fault really, i was in high school when i had my one and only tooth extraction and the dentist told me i should get a bridge or else my teeth are going to have spaces as the years pass by. true enough, her predictions have proved accurate and my teeth have spaces in between. i was resolved to sport madonna's tooth-gap smile but decided that wasn't the look i was gunning for - and so the braces. while i should (in theory) have near-perfect teeth in a year or so with the braces, the other upside here is that adjustments are going to be painful enough that it will be like taking reductyl. weight loss galore. add the fact that i will be going back to the gym next week - this time for good.

braces at 31. keep magnets away.

the morning after

dear fish,

i went to donnelly's party last night and played some texas hold'em with my office barkada. the party unfortunately was a bit boring but being able to just sit back & relax after the last few nights lacking sleep was a good enough reason to stay. i went through 3 cans of san mig light pretty quickly and not drinking enough water left me pretty dehydrated. i woke up with my head pounding this morning debating whether i should quit alcohol altogether the same way i swore off carbonated beverages. that is something i still haven't decided on yet - unlike most people, i always tend to have really bad hangovers. Three glasses of water before bed usually lessens the pain, but if that fails two advils usually does the trick.

i was a bit groggy when i went to finally get my car fixed. i had a bit of a hard time finding the "goma king" car shop but when i finally found it, there were quite a number of cars lined-up already. it was a good thing the people running the place knew what customer service is and their frontliners quickly came up - they probably saw i was a "newbie" or i had that "please help me." look. you see, i don't really have a knack for cars, i just drive 'em. i do know how to change tires but beyond that i'd surely flunk hands down. i don't even find accessorizing my car (read : making porma) a good use of money. there's too many things available to splurge on than to put it all in a vehicle. anyways, the mechanic told me the freakin' shock absorber on the right rear side was busted and had to be replaced. short to say, i had everything fixed already so its going to once again be a smooth ride from now on.

i'm a bit flushed everytime i think about you. i realized that whenever i look at you, its as if the world moves in slow motion and i see only you. the colors do seem brighter (i think i said this in another post already) and i feel my heart racing. its crazy how you can make my head spin even when you don't even do anything. sometimes i wish i can just turn things off, not feel this way or not feel anything anymore. i've tried a hundred times to kick you out of my system, but like a bad habit, you have me addicted. i know more or less where all of this is headed, and its going to be ugly, at least for me. i'm worried i may never find a way out of this mess and that scares me. right now, i am more certain how i feel about you and i will suffer again in silence.

what kind of fool i am?
yuan*