tasya pantasya

one of the things that i missed being able to do was daydream or at least be able to have moments where you can imagine and live in a make-believe world. i used to be able to do that without too much effort but growing up sort of strips you of that escape. what's really great about it is that in your own make-believe world, you are free to conjure up a fantasy. in it you are free to imagine you are with your one great love, that tragedy can happen and you still get your "happily ever after" ending. i guess being able to take comfort in an imaginary place gives you hope that someday you can have your "fairytale." being young (and naive) back then, i considered my best past time was when i was pining for people who i was seriously crushing on. i pined for the BND's big time. they were a nice distraction, a good motivation to come to work and see them, to look better - there was something in it that makes you strive to be a better person - more impressionable than you normally are. i guess the only downside is that most of the time, it doesn't work out like how you want it to be and you pine for them for such a long time that when its time to let go, it seems easier to hang on to the memory of it than lose that familiar feeling of being in love. as i grew older, i realized that "time heals all wounds" (lol, hindi time is gold!) and the heartbreak that seemed insurmountable at first, it gets better with time - and distance. absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes it forget. fundamentally, this is how we survive the loss of someone. not being with them makes it easier to move on. and while the pain of it persists, it gradually dissipates because we tend to hold on to only the good memories.

video calling

uhmm so ok, i'm not really clueless that the technology has been available for quite some time already but there was never really a need for it for a variety of reasons. first of course is for it to work, i'd have to buy a new fone which means i'd have to give up my faithful treo (undoubtedly the best fone i owned, and i've used quite a few). i can't imagine not having all of the cool functionalities my fone has right now, the ease of having a qwerty keypad, audio, video, call block (yeah, stalker), e-mail and ability to work with word, excel and view powerpoint. second thing was that for me to video call, my contacts will need to have a video-calling capable fone as well.

my sister's fone right now allows for video call and while in one of my pensive moments - now this happens mostly when i'm driving - it crossed my mind that for my nephew to be able to see his mom and his lola (whom he calls mama), we can do video call. so i needed to buy a fone capable and decided that i should just replace my mom's fone since its been with her for quite a while already. so voila, in my mind, the reward of my nephew having to talk to mom & my sister via video was enough reason for me to shell out cash for it. so we tried video calling this morning - after which, i realized the purchase was indeed worth it.

and that is how to rationalize a purchase from out of the blue.

Emo-morning

my sister's operation yesterday finished short of 8pm and i finally managed to breathe easier hearing the news from mom. i was already "paranoiding" (hahaha new word) myself the whole day and silently praying for a successful and safe operation. i'm still praying everyday for my sister's full recovery and she told me yesterday that we should go to Our Lady of Manaoag when she gets better. i think that is a very good idea - and besides, the trip will probably be a welcome breather for everyone.

God has been really good and has been helping me full-time. some people might say its just coincidence but i know these are small miracles given through the prayers everyone has offered for my family. my manager was IM'ng me this morning and telling me that it maybe a good idea to push the schedule for the implementation of my project to the Cavite factory. its a miracle because if it pushes out, it is not going to conflict anymore with the writing & submission of my thesis (or strama paper). its not final yet, but doesn't that sound great? its God's way of helping me manage my responsibilities - all of them. i'm so happy.

my posts of late have been depressing, and i usually am a very upbeat person. its probably because its easier to pour out my woes in writing - that, and i can be super EMO most of the time. funny that you can be so ruled by your emotions and then hold off showing that side of you to other people. yeah, i can't say "i love you." i've never said that to anyone (except my nephew) ever. i wish i could have said it though, but there's no use dwelling in the past.

a first sign that He heard us

it must be because a lot of you offered their prayers and support but today was another uncontestable proof that God provides. Call it coincidence (i call it otherwise) but from a big drop in the stock price yesterday, it surged ahead today by more than a dollar. that meant that the stocks that i set were all sold. and while it doesn't fully cover the cost of expected hospital bill, its good and big enough to cut off more than half of it. it makes me teary-eyed (awww) as i write this and makes me believe even more in His eternal goodness.

thank you for the prayers. please keep 'em coming.

i'm going to earn it

mom sent me the big news this morning when i asked her what the results for my sister's CT Scan is - she has an infection and she will need to undergo another operation. estimated cost is P100k. that's not including doctor's fees, meds and other tests. it felt like a giant paddle just swung and hit me smack in the middle of my head realizing the financial implications. if the health card is not going to shoulder the cost of the operation, then my mom & i have to shoulder it. Mom just shelled out close to 100k a few weeks back from my sister's previous hospitalization and i felt like i should figure out how to shoulder this next one. it must have been the stress of having to think through that, work getting more demanding and the backlog of school piling up, but i felt depressed, confused and a bit angry. i felt angry at why my sister did not plan ahead and put some money away - why when she was healthy, she spent all of her earnings buying needless things and splurging. sure, she must not have been earning as much as i did but where did all her commissions go? i was so depressed i wanted to cry but i need to be stronger, my mom & sister depends on me. i realized how foolish and stupid i was to dwell on things that has happened in the past. so my sister didn't plan ahead, it was a mistake i'm sure she has learned a very valuable lesson from. blaming her for her mistake is a bigger mistake. i don't want to be tethered by the past. despite her mistakes, my sister gave this family the greatest gift (sans a husband & a father to), my nephew. i e-mailed my friend d about my frustrations and he told me something that made me realize what is important. d told me "you are going to earn it anyway. don't think you are going to spend all of your savings. to you, it is just money. to her, it is everything." and d is right, if i have the means to pay for the hospital bills then why shouldn't i? what's the purpose of having those savings if i can't share it with my family. if i can make a difference to this family, then that is worth more than anything else in the world.

the only thing left then is ... swipe the plastic! sayang ang points!

10 things to be thankful for

despite everything, there are still things to be thankful for everyday. here's my list for today.

1. being able to wake up this morning - one more day to make a difference;
2. my brother taking my nephew to school - means i get to take care of work matters;
3. my job allowing me to "still" work from home;
4. flexible work hours that allow me to try and squeeze in my family responsibilities;
5. earning decently to afford me the small luxuries in life;
6. God giving me the means to help out my family (financial & otherwise);
7. God for the strength - to emotionally handle the current trials;
8. being able to close my deliverables one or two presentations at a time;
9. giving me a responsible mom - making her the true pillar and role model in our family;
10. giving me friends who support me with encouraging words and even others who unexpectedly give motivation.

in truth, there are no words to say how richly blessed i am today - trials & all. despite everything, i believe in the greater plan. and so, i remain.

whipping boy

survived another session and presentation of strategic management (strama). when i say "survived" - just means another session has passed but will never mean "did a great job" presenting. in a way, its starting to seem like "hell will freeze over" first before anybody does an excellent job analyzing & explaining the cases. one of my groupmates couldn't make it to class tonight and the three of us were left to present the case. for some reason, even if my other groupmate has not presented in previous cases yet, he called me still to present. as i expected i got whipped & lashed so much i must have been bleeding 10 mins through the presentation (lol!). i must admit nothing registered when i read the materials for this case so i was grasping for answers through most of the questions. no matter how much insults he hurled at me, i accepted them gracefully with an occasional smile. grace under pressure talaga. if he thought he could rattle me into crying or shame me into reacting angrily, he's wrong. i'm insult-proof - at least when it comes to this subject. i accepted already that i'm the favorite whipping boy ... and there must some kind of whipping quota - and since i was out last week, i have to pay double the price.

7 more sessions. gotta start the darn paper.

who did it? - anonymous

this is the story about four people
named Everybody, Eomebody, Anybody and Nobody.
there was an important job to be done and
Everybody was asked to do it.
everyone was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about this
because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but
Nobody realized that
Everybody would not do it.
It ended up that Everybody
blamed Somebody, when actually
Nobody accused Anybody.

the hardships of parenthood

so while my sister is recuperating, in more ways than one, i'm performing "parent" duties for my nephew. yeah, my "nanny" stature has been elevated (lol!). over the weekend, we've had to drop by the mall to buy my nephew some clothes that he can wear daily for school. we figured him having to wear all of his nice (read: expensive) clothes to school is not a good idea so instead we opted to buy him a pseudo-uniform. for some reason, we ended buying him a bunch more than what we intended to but i reckon he needed clothes and it will make it easier dressing him up if he had more. it seems over the past few days, most of my expenses actually go to my nephew's school stuff (snack, clothes, etc) and somehow it feels more like money well-spent than anything else.

he finally has his first assignment in math & language and i now also serve as his official tutor. when i find the time to do it, i don't know - i just figured its another good excuse to re-prioritize what i needed to do. and somehow, having to teach my nephew sounded more appealing than working on yet the last leg of my school presentation or another office presentation i need to finish. i sat him down this morning and realized that his math assignment was actually easier to teach and we actually breezed through it. the language one is a bit harder and trying to patiently teach it to a child who has a short attention span is challenging. i have another newfound area of respect for teachers.

parents-teachers conference was last saturday and while it was mom who attended, we all had to read the booklets. i never realized being an "instant" parent or stand-in for that matter could be a lot of work. i can just imagine how hard it must be for all single parents to work and rear a child all at the same time. rewarding yeah, but its exhausting. i guess this is why in a perfect world, there has to be a couple to help each other raise a child. just by yourself is doubly hard. doable but doubly hard.

but if you've been dealt with these cards, you just have to find the best hand.
folding ... unfortunately, is not an option.

getting back

being saddled with a lot of work while nursing a flu is a lot of work in itself. that's basically how life was the last couple of days since i last posted something. it probably may be that i couldn't really find anything particularly interesting to write about and that feeling sickly (aka dizzy, weak) and all made me hit the sack more @ odd hours of the day. yeah, i feel better (and stronger) today but i'm still trying to get rid of this persistent, on-off cold i still have. for some reason, its harder to recover from being sick these days - or might be nature is trying to strike a balance that the more you abuse yourself, she makes you rest, recover and heal longer. i dunno. it would have been great if i could have just stopped the world from turning, took a breather and just rest for the whole week. but that isn't how life works, there are chores and there are work and there are papers and deadlines that need attending - sick or not.

fascinating though is that at times like these, you get a license to procastinate - or you somehow justify having to put things off by telling yourself "me - sick, need more rest." and then only to realize that you would have to work doubly hard to catch on the backlog. and that's what i would have to do tonight - the school presentation is begging for attention and i've been putting it off until tonight. its funny but amidst all the work & school fuss, i actually found time to set-up a website (course its ready-made) for me & my college barkada. it wasn't hard to put content in it because i made it for us (in all parts of the world) to be able to share pictures and videos - just to get everyone aware what's happening. its also a place to share pictures of kids & family and i've placed a lot of my nephews pictures already. i even had a great time scanning and uploading our grad pictures in that website and it was fun reminiscing how different we all looked back ... errr circa! ugh, the thought of saying "x" number of years ago feels mortifying that i dare not. yeah, sometimes it does feel we're "that old." but the thing is i found setting that site up more rewarding than finishing three or four of my work presentations.

i can't think about "not wanting" to work right now - next six weeks is going to be brutal. its starting to feel like i made a serious error in planning - lol! hopefully, none of the important pieces fall into the cracks.

time is a precious commodity

i need to get some more time to rest. i feel better compared to saturday and sunday but not well enough that i decided i'd skip school tonight. it was a last minute decision to sacrifice tonight for hopefully better days this week. i've been laboriously updating my project gantt the whole day today and its been a slow process because i was feeling a bit dizzy in between. if i did not catch the flu, i should have finished this and much more over the weekend - but you just can't predict getting sick. this is why i hate planning, and setting things in stone, there's almost always factors beyond your control that kind of screws everything up.

i've been quite good, no make that great, at tracking the inflows & outflows of money on my pocket and on my bank accounts. i've kind of tracked most down to the last cent. this is the part of me being OC that i like best, i can get overly accurate, or maybe its the engineer in me - the part that likes to have structure and order. the important thing here is a the end of july, i'd have an idea where all the money goes and where i can start skimping to maximize my savings. "max z = x+y+z-a-b-c" ngiii, ang nerdy! lol!

i really need to start doing some research on my strategic management paper. i have 6 weeks left after this week to work on it and unfortunately, the implementation of my project at work clashes directly with my strama deadlines. i need to figure something out - and soon. need to start tapping on those keypads and start building something out for my paper.

rlin & i wanted to see how much we will get if we opt to avail of early retirement at the big blue. both of us will be ten years this year (oh my!), me officially by sep 29. i checked out my vacation leaves and i still have 45 days, meaning "if" i decide to leave, i can file terminal leave as early as august 15. of course, that all depends on whether the cards and the stars line-up and make something happen. rlin and i have already made compensation analysis, both forward (based from pay & benefits) and backward (based from expenses & savings target). we've prettymuch come up with a really good spreadsheet to calculate everything. hopefully, there is some good news on the horizon.

i'm so excited to try out my free airborne access. its a good thing rlin sent us that e-mail regarding that pldt promo of getting free airborne access based from your myDSL plan. i managed to register and i got my username and password already. yay, i can't wait to lug around my macbook and hang out some coffeeshops. that's going to be one cool way to chill.

forced to rest

it was probably bound to happen with all the late nights and early wake-ups to attend to work and family matters. i knew going home last night when my throat felt sore that i was coming down with something. i took vitamins before going to bed hoping it can do some good but i woke up with a really nasty flu this morning. so today, instead of having to work on some of my backlogged program milestones, i am forced to stay in bed and sleep it off. in a way, i guess its my body's way of saying "you need to recharge, and if you are not going to take time to do it, i'll make it happen for you." haay, i can't afford to get sick right now - have so many stuff to work on - read my materials for school on monday, get things in order for the project i'm managing ... ugh! hopefully i'll feel better tonight so i can start working.

Prayer to St. Joseph over 1900 years old

Friends, if you have the time, kindly include this prayer for 9 consecutive mornings so that my sister will get better and for anything you would want to ask God. It has been seldom known to fail.

O St. Joseph whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the Throne of God, I place in you all my interests and desires. O St. Joseph do assist me by your powerful intercession and obtain for me from your Divine Son all spiritual blessings through Jesus Christ, Our Lord; so that having engaged here below your Heavenly power I may offer my Thanksgiving and Homage to the most Loving of Fathers. O St. Joseph, I never weary contemplating you and Jesus asleep in your arms. I dare not approach while He reposes near your heart. Press him in my name and kiss His fine Head for me, and ask Him to return the Kiss when I draw my dying breath. St. Joseph, Patron of departing souls, pray for us. Amen

This prayer was found in the fiftieth year of Our Lord Jesus Christ. In 1500's it was sent by the Pope to Emperor Charles when he was going into battle.

Whoever reads this prayer or hears it or carries it, will never die a sudden death, nor be drowned, nor will poison take effect on them. They will not fall into the hands of the enemy nor be burned in any fire, nor will they be defeated in battle.

Make this prayer known everywhere.

Imprimatur
Most Rev. George W. Ahr
Bishop of Trenton

----------------------------------------------------------------
yes, despite everything, i have deeply rooted Catholic faith. i believe in God. He has never failed me and He has always been there through the good & bad times.

good news

i'm happy to say that my sister has finally been discharged from the hospital, total bill probably was around 100k. it just goes to show that in this time and age, its hard to get sick specially if you don't have the means to pay for hospital care. i really pray that my sister gets better - better that even if she will need to take maintenance medications, she doesn't need to go back to the hospital. its financially draining since its mom who has been shouldering most of the hospital bills, while i try to cover as much of the household bills as possible. i'm concerned also for my mom because she's been dipping a lot from her retirement money. this is why i finally decided to sit down and plan a budget, i needed to see how much money i can save. i realized how difficult it was to plan a budget, how much we take for granted what anyone running a household had to do to make ends meet. i realized how lucky i am to have a good paying job that allows me to help out. its probably destiny and i thank God for his eternal goodness in allowing me to help my family.

having my sister home is good news too because mom can take over having to bring my nephew to school and i can concentrate back in addressing work matters. i've been tossed in the grill a couple of times and this morning, i took my gloves off and broke my silence. if they thought i spoke good enough english, they probably was surprised i could talk non-stop when i am all fired up. i'm getting sick and tired trying to play along and being their whipping boy. ay naku, i'll show them i'm no pushover and i have 10 years of great reputation @ the big blue to back it up. shopping used to be great therapy whenever i felt bad but with the whole budget thing going on, i better not. hmmm except, the store manager from springfield just texted me that there's a sale tomorrow. i should go and buy a few items. i have allocation for clothing naman e (insert laugh here!). i'll follow my good friend trixy's "i'm going to save" mentality (peace trix, you know i love you!).

its nice to be remembered

its times like this, on special ocassions, when you it feels nice to be remembered. while this day is passing on without so much fanfare (no partying, no celebrations, no cakes, no nothings), it doesn't really bother me. partying is so much more fun when its not you celebrating (or paying for that matter). it feels nice though to hear the familiar sound of text messages arriving on my phone, let alone seeing your inbox getting filled up with e-mail greetings. i even feel good getting greetings from well-wishers, even people i've only met online.

hopefully i get to celebrate a bit this coming weekend - the weekday is kind of a no-no. work is really demanding and while i do wish i can take that trip to the US sometime in mid-july, i'd have to put my school responsibilities ahead. the trip to costa rica end of july is the one that i feel bad about, being that its so hard to score a trip out there. its bad enough i'd have to pass one trip, but two? and what about those costa rican eye candies? bummer!

people have been asking me what i'd wish for on my birthday, and it probably will be really swell if birthday wishes do come true. but who knows right? so here's what i'm wishing for - that things in my life gets better and work out well soon! on the side though, i pray for happiness, good health and safety for my family and friends. i'd like to wish for "someone" but i don't think i can handle anymore complications in life right now. so i'll wing this single-blessedness for a bit longer. it will happen in God's time, not mine. (bigat!)

so yes, thank you for remembering - you all made my day so much better.

toasting it

i can't believe in a few more minutes and i will be 33. its not so hard saying it, admitting it is a completely different story. it probably will be past midnight when this gets posted but right now, i am contemplating what to write. i should actually be getting some shut-eye right now having to wake up for a 4am meeting but the sandman eludes me still. its probably because i still feel full having had a sandwich for a late, late dinner an hour ago. blame it on strama.

right now, i'm thankful that i'm 33 - not because of the age thing (and being oldie but not looking like one) but because in a way, i have more years in life than others. when abet passed away a few years back, he left us (his friends) all a very valuable message about life - that it was a gift that we should treasure, enjoy and be thankful for every minute because it is also short and uncertain. i'm just happy waking up mornings and knowing that God has given me another day in this world. i guess with growing up comes the need to face the reality that we are here on a temporary arrangement. on a lighter note, it feels great to be alive! but frac, i'm thirty-three. hahaha whatever!

i don't like birthdays. i don't like people showering me with attention (ows?) because i'm not good with compliments. but since i'm on leave tomorrow, i get a reprieve having to say "thank you" with a sheepish smile. the sad thing though is that with mom taking care of my sister at the hospital, i only have my 3yo nephew to celebrate my birthday with (less the dad & the black sheep brother). wow, its like two years in a row i'm going to celebrate without "family." last year, i celebrated it with a few friends (some acquiantances) since i was in arizona that time. times like this, it'd be nice to have someone to celebrate your special day with. but hey, i have my nephew, he's more than reason enough to celebrate.

1 san mig light + 2 margaritas + 2 glasses of cabernet = tipsy! i like.

feels like i'm in "24"

i was trying to think of something more wittier for a title but i'm having a bit of a headache and the advils i took hasn't started working yet. it feels like i'm living lately by the hour since trying to juggle everything (work, school & life) is more difficult than i expected and 24 hours seem such a short period.

10:00 PM. decided to call it a day. finished 98% of a presentation material. sleep is a welcome respite, its the only time i get to stop thinking, slow down my over-active brain. it feels so good when you know that sleep is going to wash over you soon. there's a chance to rejuvenate. i utter a prayer mostly for my family and remember 3 things - to thank, to say sorry and to ask forgiveness.
03:30 AM. 5 1/2 of shut-eye. i should be feeling refreshed but somehow the short sleep the past few nights makes 5 1/2 hours seem like a nap - i can feel my body telling me to get some more but each hour for the next few is accounted for. i've stopped taking caffeine in the mornings so i'm trying to jumpstart my adrenalin with my head. i open my laptop and peer into where i left off and type in hurriedly. 30mins and its a wrap. presentation is neatly packaged.
04:00 AM. i rummage through my nephew's closet and figure will make him standout today. since i bought most of his clothes during my trips to the US, i pretty much knew what kind of clothes he had. i finally decide on a orange-striped t-shirt, cropped tan pants and his kid-cool black new balance rubber shoes. if i had clothes like these when i was a kid ... uhmmm ok, self-indulgent moment ...
04:30 AM. yikes yikes. i rush to take a shower, brush my teeth, pick clothes to wear. dang, my ensemble isn't as neat as my nephews. green shorts & an old navy shirt. havaianas slippers. technomarine watch. i take out reading materials for school and put it in my laptop sleeve.
05:00 AM. i dial in for my first meeting. i prepare for an hour-long conversation, netmeetings and whatever collaboration tool there is. this meeting is quite a challenge and i disposed of any pleasantries. 5mins into the meeting and we were having a verbal tussle - i was fired up. wide awake now. i felt i spoke better english when i was feeling like this. i fell short of the "aah" at the end of each sentence which plague most pinoys when conversing in english. funny for 'D to say that wasn't the intention of the questions yesterday and i told 'D that that may not have been the intention but it sure came out differently. whatever! no use crying over spilled milk. we ended amicably and hopefully much clearer with what was needed to be accomplished.
06:00 AM. my manager is asking me to spare a quick 10-mins to talk about some stuff. she, in a subtle, managerial way is telling me she is "stepping in" to help manage. i kept quiet through most of the 10mins. do they think i'm screwing up? whatever! she asked me if i can come to the US sometime in W29 and i politely say "no" - frac, i just realized i still need 410 miles to make 4 tickets to HK. after she finished with her "i want to help you" spiel, i just said "ok." hahaha i have to admit that conversation was depressing.
06:10 AM. had to log-in to another meeting. blah blah blah. leo was talking about the stuff that we've been having discussions since yesterday. while leo was busily talking, i was IM'ing a co-worker in the US about the conversation i had. she doesn't think i screwed up but she never thinks i can screw up anything anyway (hahaha!). i decided to send to the team the email i got from my manager along with the awesome presentation i crafted last night. for the record, i know how to tie all the work together contrary to what i think they perceive. i have an above average IQ no! hahaha self-indulgent again.
07:00 AM. ugh, glad the meetings finished earlier. my nephew though is acting up and doesn't want to go to school. i really need some patience pills right now. its a good thing he changed his mind after and started to dress up the fabulous ensemble i prepared for him. it was 15 past 7 already and to get to his school before 8, i'd have to drive really fast. i don't understand how much vehicles there are on the road at this hour. there are really too many vehicles that the government allows for the miniscule roads we have. that's commerce for you. btw, got to school 15 before 8 with my uber cool driving skills.
08:00 AM. i sit in the car, download my gmail from my treo. galing. i just recently managed to configure my email from my mobile to download my gmail so fascinated pa ako until now. i take out my school reading materials and read our case. i just realized i haven't read anything and i am way late in working on my case contributions. its gonna be a long night tonight. after finishing up my case, i felt the familiar feeling of tiredness so i gave in and doze off for a good 10-15mins.
09:00 AM. dialing in. these meetings never end. i like talking to leo though cause he's an optimist like myself. we talked about a bit on the email and he chose his words carefully short of saying that i have done everything humanly possible to manage the project given the circumstances but he did not deny the obvious, that the contact time was not enough for me to become an effective PM. tell me something i don't know. we talked about work more and before i knew it, we were actually over the hour. its pretty hot taking my meeting in the car but that was the only way to block out the noise. good thing i have a hands-free kit since i could feel my mobile is getting pretty warm.
10:20 AM. ten more minutes and my nephew's school is over. i see him from afar and feel a sense of happiness seeing him and calling me. he puts a smile on the people's face around as he says "bye bye" to his teacher. my nephew immediately asks me if we're going to the mall since i promised him this morning if he will dress up. not wanting to give him false promises, i decide to drive him to the mall and just ake an early lunch. this is the great thing about my work - i'm free to manage my own time.
11:00 AM. lunch came in the form of jollibee - he loves chicken & gravy and i've been eating it a lot of times because of him. it feels nice to have someone dependent on you and i love being with my nephew, tantrums & all. its nice to hear him say he loves you and surprises you with hugs for no reason at all or hear him talk non-stop and try to decipher what he means. we roamed around a few after lunch and i decided to let him play a bit on the playground in the mall. i told him i will let him play for a short time only since i had to go back and work. this is what i love about my nephew, as soon as i told him it was time to go, he didn't throw any fit and just held my hand and walked away.
12:00 PM. booting up my laptop. not a lot of emails. read through some mails. i see placeholders for the US face-to-face in my calendar. i try to recall the events of the morning and breathe a sigh of relief of the hiatus the coming weekend brings. school will be a welcome distraction. i just realized next week is a special week.
01:00 PM. gawd, i'm too tired my eyes are practically falling on me. i decide to take an hour nap to recharge. my nephew watching "dora" on my television, aircon in full. the aircon has been running full for 10-15 hours everyday - i shouldn't be surprised anymore why i paid up 7k in electricity bills just the other day. bummer.
02:00 PM. i woke up to the sound of my phone alarm. those damn alarms are becoming a pain. i need more sleep. the nap didn't really do a lot of good having been awaken in the middle of la-la land, my head was throbbing. i popped 2 advils and downed a bottle of one iced tea and checked what kind of emails i got since i slept an hour ago. hmm, nothing interesting.
03:00 PM. started to think through what i should go over with during my 330pm meeting. i opened up some materials which can help during the discussion but i expected it to be more free-flowing. i was meeting up with migs, who worked for me before and for some reason, we talked on the phone in english. hahaha weird, we would have understood each other perfectly with tagalog but it was actually easier to talk through the presentation in english.
04:00 PM. i called it quits when the clock struck 4PM. at least for that meeting with migs since he had to catch the shuttle. i decided to call it a day around 430PM and decided to write this entry instead. i'm gearing up to start reading the rest of the case readings.

pretty busy day right? i need a good restaurant, sit-down meal. a hot mocha and some cheesecake. comfort food. at least "transformers" na next week. =)

time to play dirty

i've been struggling with managing this project that i've been assigned to remotely from asia for a couple of quarters already. despite the project (in this case system) being developed in the US, i've been doing my best (ok, maybe not my absolute, more than 100% best) to manage the activities with the limited interaction time. the difference here is that it is quite a big project that involves more people that i have to work part-time PM and part-time BA. i've been mostly considerate, light-headed and a teamplayer through most part of the project and then this morning, people working on the project throws in questions to the effect that they needed clarity how what they're doing ties in to the overall picture (i.e. they didn't know what they were doing). Bam! just like that! it was nothing short of an ambush - i was super pissed off that i made sure they felt it from my statements. Geez, there are 4 other days in the work week to ask questions - asking those kind of questions during the meeting was just blatantly disrespectful and i don't believe i deserved that. whatever the intention was - i take full offense in it. I've always felt sorry for this person because everytime my previous manager (in a subtle but direct way) did not think that person was experienced or capable enough to handle some of the work required. And i've always believed in giving people chances and the opportunity to prove people wrong. clearly, my compassion has been misplaced in this case. so if rough is how they want to play it, i don't mind roughing it up and getting dirty. they haven't the dark side of me yet and if they're itching to have a taste of it, then i'm going to let them see how evil i can be. besides, with everything going in my life right now, an outlet for repressed anger might not be that bad.

am i near the tipping point?

i've purposedly slept early around 10 last night thinking i would have a fresh head around 2am to attend to some work i needed for an early morning meeting. lately, four hours of sleep just doesn't cut it so i overslept the 2am alarm and woke up around 3am with mom telling me we had to bring my sister to the hospital. her insides were still acting out since she came home last night. makati med was kind of an easy drive at 3am and at that hour, i was able to do some work at the waiting area without distraction. i realized i had to get back home fast because of two things, the car we brought was banned that day and my nephew needed someone to go to school. probably a blessing in disguise but i've been toying with my treo yesterday and i managed to finally set-up my versa-mail to synch with my gmail account via gprs (yep, my phone doesn't have 3G yet). i managed to shoot my boss a quick e-mail that i will have to take our 1:1 in the car.

i managed to get back home around 5am, set-up my laptop for my 6am meeting and frantically picked out jacob's clothes for school. being stressed out probably makes you more alert since i managed to breeze through the first meeting without missing a single word. the driver came around 7am and i hopped in the car with my laptop and logged into the bridge through my mobile. it was a good thing my nephew wasn't his usual inquisitive self that morning so i managed to finish the meeting with just two pauses in between. i had another hour-long meeting after and then pretty much spent the time e-mailing and making follow-ups using my celfone. neat. the waiting for school to finish sucked big time by the way.

i realized i can't do this - juggle my meetings and still bring my nephew to school, not while mom is in the hospital and its mighty crucial right now since my project is at its peak. The only thing i can't think of right now is to pull-in all my meetings, and that means i will have to start work around 4am probably. i got back from jacob's school to find out i still had to cook lunch since my good-for-nothing brother was just lying there watching tv. such a sorry excuse for a human being. i am physically exhausted today, and mentally fatigued. i don't know how much more i can wing this, it gets tougher that there's not even time to shed a tear.

Ad : Photographer 4 Hire

Oly is a part-time photographer. I figured i'd post his contacts here just in case anybody is in need of a photographer for any occasion. I saw some samples of Oly's work before and they're quite good.

lessons through terror

i stood in front of the class last night trying my hardest to find the best fit answers to all of prof easy's questions to no avail. i was stumped with the first question and he continued to press on until i couldn't give him any satisfactory answer. i wasn't really that embarassed because i knew what will happen with the rest of the presenters - its being the first that sucks. i realized that behind the hard questions (and my bullet-ridden body), prof easy's trying to teach, or rather drill down into our thick skulls to understand FULLY what the frameworks are. and maybe this is how it comes down to - him having to use a sort-of radical approach to teaching because we become lazy to "really" understand and make the effort to "really" learn. i try to be optimistic that despite the subtle dissing of other professors, that i really did learn something from them. is it right for him to expect his students to be ready for class? definitely! is it right for him to expect everyone to remember everything from their past subjects? maybe, but that doesn't seem realistic. i imagine he wants us to understand the readings by ourselves, then apply it to the case and try to remember everything come presentation time. if we had more days of the week and we were not working, then maybe we could do all that - but realistically? there's pages and pages of materials he wants us to read, a thick case he wants us to analyze - research, discussions, a term paper to worry about - when does that leave time for ourselves? i know professor has only good intentions - that is undoubtful. in the big blue where i work, there are very few filipinos that are "real" managers and even less "great" leaders. undoubtedly, this is what prof easy is trying change. maybe he's trying to break our spirit, to make us stronger individuals so we can compete head-on in the organization. maybe its a baptism --- by fire and whoever emerges unscathed ultimately triumphs.

its fate

part of my & ali's e-mail exchange last night ...

"I realized pretty soon that some love, no matter how great and perfect it seems, are not meant to be. I decided to let go of mcb and all that mcb means to me in exchange for my sanity and peace of mind. It was disturbingly hard in the beginning and it took a lot of willpower just to keep myself from sending a note, an IM or an e-mail. Mcb was like a drug that I couldn't get enough of. And when I decided to quit, the withdrawal symptoms was pretty bad. Life though has a way of helping us forget - time does heal all wounds. McB might actually be my greatest love, but it wasn't meant to be!"

opm movie marathon

i managed to get copies of 4 opm's (original pinoy movies) over the holiday and diligently watched them in succession. while i enjoy foreign movies a lot, i enjoy watching pinoy movies specially the comedic ones because i know i'll definitely get a hearty laugh watching it. over the weekend, i finally managed to watch the following :

you got me - starring toni gonzaga, sam milby and zanjoe marudo. i'd have to say that i like "you are the one" better than this film though the story has its moments. ahhh what can i say, i'm a sucker for pinoy romance hahaha

ang cute ng ina mo - this was an ai ai starrer so i expected to get lots of laughter - and i wasn't disappointed. while i think "ang tanging ina" still tops this hands down, it also has its moments. luis and ann are a handsome pair and eugene domingo is a definite scene stealer. i laugh whenever she speaks with a "supposedly" australian accent.

zsa zsa zaturnnah, zee moveeh - i didn't know what to expect about this movie but rustom was definitely outstanding in this movie, and chocoleit was super funny. zsa zsa looked really gorgeous specially for her age. rustom was super pretty in this movie, complemented by an equally handsome alfred vargas. this movie is quite funny.

super noypi - hmmm, pinoy effects really getting better. not much to say about the story for this one. typical superhero thing, nothing we haven't seen before.

hahaha so these are the movies i spent my holiday on to catch up on filipino culture. they were quite enjoyable but i'd better get back to my tv shows.

workout wonders

i finally managed to convince myself that i should go back to the gym after another two weeks of hiatus. the going-back to the gym plan hit a roadblock last time since after an excessive weight training regimen, my arms hurt for the whole week. lesson learned, you can't presumably pick-up from where you left off after being gone for almost a quarter.

i managed to do most of the exercises i planned for today, even doing a 10-min cardio (ok, babysteps) and putting in the ab exercises though its supposed to be on the next day set. But seeing the condition of my abs right now, i think i will benefit from doing ab exercises on a daily basis. hopefully this "going back to the gym" dedication i feel right now lasts just like last time. its really different when you have a personal trainer and you're paying extra to workout. I resigned myself that i will try planning my exercise routine without a trainer for now.

to reward myself for a job well-done at the gym, i had a big slice of mango bravo. i wanted to post a picture of it here but i thought "better not to spare me the laughter." hahaha well, its sister's birthday today so i had to have cake.

second round @ tagaytay

after months (?) of planning & exchanging e-mails, we finally settled on a date to for a long-standing return to tagaytay. last time we went was in the middle of a strong typhoon when some (understandably so) canceled due to floods & power outtages. this time, there were a few first-timers (jap, mitch, richard & dino), a few from last time who couldn't make it (jim, notty) and some who still couldn't make it (reggie, tm). going out friday night and sleeping in around 230am is a no-no specially if you are going to meet friends riding with you at 630am. i did manage to get to the meeting place probably 5 mins after 630 but eric, as usual, arrived late. there was idle chatter during the short drive to mcdonald's where we're supposed to meet up with the rest of the gang.

the drive to tagaytay was fast. everyone was kind of curious about dino since it was his first time to hang out with the group. annie, in her usual inquisitive self, asked him about his gf and sort of cornered him into admitting that they're not together anymore. tsk tsk tsk, for the record dino, i did not say anything about it to anyone. when we got to the tagaytay resthouse, it was as magnificent as last time we were there - it was a perfect place to get away, a haven of sorts. we did our obligatory market shopping with shanda showing us how it was done that we kidded her that she's now the undisputed "palengke" queen. going to the wet market was surreal and i don't remember the last time i went in one. what remains vivid is how i used to go with mom to the wet market when i was very young - this before the advent & popularity of airconditioned supermarkets. meats, vegetables, fruits and beer - all set!

shanda's passion for cooking was evident during lunch time and jap doing her best tried to salvage the rice she was cooking to no avail. we ended up with jollibee rice + grilled tilapia, bangus and dada's adobo - yum! the rest of the afternoon was naptime for some and watching reruns of grey's anatomy's season 1. we decided to try going for badminton & swimming but the place where we were supposed to go was closed - bummer! we ended up hanging out at cliffhouse in tagaytay and was reminded how awesome it was to be out of the city, cool temp & all. dinner came at 9pm, again courtesy of shanda's cooking prowess and we started drinking probably around 10pm starting off with a bottle of red wine and san mig light.

"destiny" is a card game jim introduced to us last time we were in tagaytay. its actually a perfect game to get people drunk as the turnaround is quite fast, "casualties" even faster. by the end of the night, it was clear annie was the winner. dino richard & eric were buzzed from the game. i was buzzed just drinking. everyone else seemed fine. at past 3am, sleep felt like the best thing in the world.

imee, out of guilt likely, came out to tagaytay so early in the morning that meeting up with her pretty groggy seemed like punishment for the night before. breakfast of leftovers felt nourishing and it was obvious that morning that some were in better shape than the rest. we hanged out a bit more, took more pictures before we had to hurriedly leave around 1pm for some other engagements. i, for one, had to meet up with my groupmates for a school presentation all the way to rockwell.

all in all, it was a great weekend hanging out with friends. these are good people and i'm quite lucky with friends.

planet earth

i was curious to see why bbc's "planet earth" was on the best show list on yahoo tv and after seeing the first of eleven episodes i finally understood why. this documentary is unbelievable! the shots, both aerial and in the ground was spectacular. even showing the changing of the seasons were done well that seeing this episode makes you realize how rich and magnificent the earth really is. i was really blown away after watching the first episode and i can't wait to watch the next ten episodes. if you are a fan of discovery or national geographic, try watching this series - i think its a must-have for your dvd collection. ang galing sobra!

and the bloodshed begins

its funny that even when you're expecting the worse scenario happening, you find out there's something to top that. i already expected questions about the ideas we threw in for our first strama case but as soon as easy started questioning the first group, i knew we, and everyone else, were screwed. everybody were grilled with the fundamental question "what's your basis?" i guess there's a lesson prof easy wanted to impart on everyone that night and despite looking foolishly dumb in front of the class, it made me realize the importance of understanding what you are reading. admittedly, i take most of what the textbook says for granted. it falls right smack on my short term memory that sometimes you try to memorize it just to be able to parrot it during recitation or exams. i reluctantly admitted by saying "i don't know" and "i don't recall." when he asked me questions i honestly couldn't remember any answer to. they weren't really hard, but the answers weren't at the top of my head. its becoming clear that there's really a lot of work required under easy so i'm really trying to figure out how to survive. i did ask about the big blue and he suggested i try to work on another company because a lot of people used it already. its a big problem - not having a company to start working on.

and yeah, maybe i asked for it but i was elected class president. everybody told me its a tough job but i guess there's no turning back now. and the bloodshed begins!

ps : i really really need to catch up on sleep. i've been sleep-deprived for the past 4 days my eyebags feels like they're over the weight limit. hahaha

ties to the past

catching up with CL the past few days on his exciting expat assignmet in thailand made me realize how much i appreciate what technology we have today. i remember how RR (an old friend from high school) and i tried keeping in touch by occasionally sending mail & greeting cards when they left for the states. we would have permanently drifted apart if not for reconnecting via email and ym and even friendster. its actually nice to be able to hear where life has taken people i know from high school (16-20 yrs back). its sad to hear that even some of them had passed away. everytime i hear something about somebody from the old days brings back memories of how life back in high school and even college were that simple. it was fun and there weren't so much responsibilities weighing us down. now that we're in our 30's, i'm pretty sure a lot of them have families already, some more successful than other and some have moved out of the philippines. i barely remember some of them even when their names are mentioned. i'm thankful though for the chance to reconnect - even through e-mail.

taking a beating

by some twist of fate (believe me it wasn't intentional) last time, i lost my sony ericsson P900 celfone at the office. i had already been checking out the then newly released Treo 650 so i managed to justify buying that as a replacement. By and far, the Treo 650 has arguably been the best fone i had from the nokia's and ericsson's i owned before. it was 2k short of the cost of the P900 when i bought it but it was definitely better. interface was simple and easy to use and the keypad is easy on the texting. with additional programs, it was easy to turn it into a video player and now has a much slicker mp3 player (ptunes). battery life is so much better than the P900 and it can edit word and excel files. it has some limitations of course, like the camera is not even in the 1MP level and texting is limited to 10 people at one time. its a bit bulky too but what can you expect if you try to cram a keyboard and everything else in one gadget right?

recently though my fone has been taking a beating. dropped it a couple of times and like true testament to its durability, the screen did not break and it still works perfectly. there are noticeable scratches and dents though on its shell. its really tempting to try and buy those nice new fones that are flooding the market but i'm not too keen on spending on a new fone. its not even because i don't have the means to buy one, it just doesn't feel like its the right thing to do. and its not really part of my "wish list" right now.

ahhh tempting ... that N95 ... gets my oohss and ahhhs ...

nothing lasts forever - maroon 5

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both

I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing last forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving all he makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
Never let it fall apart
Strangely I wish secretly
It won't fall down while I'm asleep

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing last forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

But we have not hit the ground
Doesn't mean we're not still falling, oh..
I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
Nothing last forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

continuing trials

i had to bring my sister back again to the hospital because she was having abdominal pains & was vomiting again. i thought after her operation a few months ago that things will start going back to normal but like the doctor said there will be a few pains. this is her second time in the hospital this year after spending quite a few weeks last year. that period was physically, emotionally and financially draining. she didn't have a good medical plan from her company then so both mom & i had to share the expenses. things would probably be not that difficult if i had at least a brother i could rely on and a dependable father. while i know they won't let any harm come to my nephew, i'm not so comfortable leaving him with them. so for the next few days, i'd have to try again to balance work, taking care of my nephew, household chores and school's starting on monday. its really a crash-course in growing up and a realization of my obligation to my family. it probably would have been easier if my dad had a steady income or my brother have work but looking at how lazy my brother is, i don't think he has plans of working anymore. i honestly don't know how people like him, who seemingly don't have any ambition and desire to move forward, find purpose in life. i probably would have taken pity if he was at least humble about not contributing financially, but it feels most of the time that we owe him something. he could contribute to the household chores but he's super lazy (and i'm not exaggerating) and lives as if he had servants to clean up after him. to top it all, even if you ask him to do something, its like speaking to the wall and he takes offense about it. i feel bad about it but i don't feel any affection towards him anymore.

i hope things get better soon. as always, i trust God will help us through.

stuff i wanna spend on

what they say is true. there really are so many stuff you'd want to spend on but money isn't limitless even if you have savings. i guess what's important is that even if you can't buy everything at the same time, you can save little by little until you have enough money to cross them out in your checklist. this is my checklist, and i'll repost it everytime i manage to checkout one of the items.

[ ] repaint of ford lynx
[ ] upgrade sound system of crv
[ ] new mags+wheels for crv (i'm not sure though if i really want this)
[ ] new seat covers for crv
[ ] new seat covers for ford lynx
[ ] iphone (next year pa naman ito)
[ ] 19" (or 20", or 21") LCD monitor
[ ] replace my p4 desktop with a core2duo powered desktop
[ ] dslr camera (if i ever find the time to pursue photography)
[ ] new gas range (gettin' ready for culinary arts)

hmmm this will be my initial list which i suppose will get longer and some of these are probably stuff that i will lose interest in. i guess most of these are quite expensive but listing them now at least lets me have something to look forward to. maybe i can write sa "wish ko lang" ... hahahaha

will i feel the same?

recalling one time i was driving with a friend in one of my trips, we talked about the current state of our lives including the responsibilities we had to our families. it was when we started talking about what we want for the future that my friend broke down and admitted that there were times she felt trapped and obligated to fulfill her duties to her family. my heart goes out to her because while i believe she has a right to live out her own life, we filipinos are just wired that way. we were brought up to take care of our families, and when we are faced with that responsibility, turning our backs is never an option. you just do it.

sometime i try to convince myself than i won't let myself be put into that same position. but seeing how things are today, those who can, will and should help out. its not such a hard decision to help out now since i've sort of managed to straighten out my finances so that most of the time, i am able to save up. i guess i've wised up over the last couple of years, which turned out to be a blessing after my sister got hospitalized for quite some time towards the latter part of 2006. i'm starting to re-build my savings and so far, so good. i guess as long as i earn reasonably well then it won't feel like a financial burden.

having my nephew i guess as the one who benefits from all this is what makes the responsibility easier to carry. i don't feel obligated because i love my nephew so much. he brings so much joy to our family that seeing him smile is a reward in itself.

one step back & one more reason to consider leaving

what has been happening to intel lately? i used to think it was at the forefront among companies of looking after the needs of their people but that seems to be taking a backseat with recent policy changes that majority doesn't see any significant benefits attached to it. in fact, i personally think it is a severe blow to productivity.

• they first removed dial-up connections. so for most people, being able to log-in to check or send urgent e-mails was no longer possible. supposedly, broadband/dsl subscription was a cheaper alternative and it was faster and employees can reimburse it. now dsl is not really a basic household necessity in the philippines (for the vast majority), so it is actually pretty pricey (the P1,995 is the recommended package).
• telecommuting at least 2x/week was an alternative and if you had broadband, then "working from home" was possible. in the case of our group, telecommuting more than that was allowed seeing that my work for example does not require a great deal of being in the factory. meetings start as early as 5 or 6am and its not possible to be able to go to the factory that early. recent policy changes dictates that telecommuting will be limited to 1x/week, and intel will not reimburse broadband charges anymore.
• the intent of the policy is to improve interaction & networking for employees which is noble in a sense except that it does not really benefit those who do not need to be in the factory all the time or who work with people outside the factory. as i've seen in intel through the years, there's almost never an exception to any policy even if you have valid arguments. personally, i think this is just an easy way out to avoid having additional discussions. there's a pretend "we'll hear your inputs." kind of speech but you know for a fact they already made up their minds and that your inputs were already dead before you've had a chance to say it.
• so if i can't reimburse my internet, it just means i won't be able to attend any more meetings or send emails outside of the office. telecommuting will not be an option, nor flexible hours since i won't have internet access to log in anyway.

some might say this arrangement is really a luxury, rather than a benefit but working in different timezones makes this set-up more of a necessity. i think i would have to tell my manager that realistically, i don't think i'd be successful managing my project (which is US-based) given these new working conditions. its really indeed a step-back for intel and probably one more reason why its nearing time to jump ship.

gettin' ready

the gloom of school is upon me ... two more weeks and school starts. its not that i completely dread it because the thought of finishing is reward enough and just means i can move on to other interests (like cooking, photography?) or more serious stuff (like setting up a business, updating my resume, or finding a new employer?). its weird that everytime i try to write something about a certain topic, my mind wanders off and i end up having to write about something different.

i'm getting ready for school and based from friends, first day will probably ask what's my favorite book. i can't very well say the harry potter books can't i? or some other fictional novel i've been trying to find time to read over the past month. so i'm trying to rush reading this leadership book my manager gave me last time i was in arizona. its "the leadership enginer" by noel m. tichy. i should have read it as soon as i got it but reading has been something i haven't been that passionate about for a time now. i don't even like reading my textbooks at school so this isn't any different. i'm going to try and finish all 400-pages of the book in the next couple of weeks so that at the very least i try and make a good impression - even a pretend one. hahaha

i need to start browsing through arlene's strama paper which she was kind enough to send me as reference. just get a feel of what kind of information i should re-gather for inclusion in my strama paper. the thought of not having a clue what to tackle for strama is mortifying. i think figuring that out wins half the battle already because it sets a direction on what to write, and what to research for. ahhh, i need to rack my brains soon.

ok, one more minute before my phone con.

purple fingernail

its election time again, can you believe it? time fly by so fast that sometimes i ask myself whether the past years have been something worthy to be proud of. my nephew will be four this august. i'm nearing the finish line on my graduate studies. ten years at intel this september. i think i've done quite good for myself and my family the past years.

we've been registered in mandaluyong for as long as we can vote. it probably was quite fun before when we were still kids but these days, i find it a long drive from paranaque. the only good thing driving during a special non-working holiday is that traffic is virtually non-existent.
it wasn't hard to locate our precint because what's good about voting in mandaluyong is that they send you your precint number a week in advance. voting was pretty fast, we were out of there 20-30mins. i only voted for six senators since i couldn't find anybody else worth electing. how would those celebrities fare in the elections is anybody's guess but i'm sure didn't vote for any of them. i don't have anything against them, but please take at least a public administration course before going for public office.

i think the person putting the ink got excited because he put way too much purple ink on my finger that for a while it looked like my nail died. it still looks frighteningly ugly but hopefully a trip to the nail salon can bring it back to its clean, shiny self.

the price of traveling

i decided i'd either wing it or die trying, and with a much resolve walked the corridors of school to submit my course approval form. i realized that this term is going to be a challenge and the signs seem to be telling me upfront to get ready. not only was the strama class & professor i was planning to take full already, it meant i had to take the professor known for heavy work, weekly recitations and tons of reading materials. but like my friend annie said, it must be fate - and so i half-heartedly asked them to enroll me in that class instead. the second sign told me i'd have to work my ass off to pull-off a 4 and a 3.5 in the class i am enrolling this term, its not impossible but its going to be difficult. and even if i get those grades, i'll be 0.02 shy away from a medal and maybe i will have to enroll in an additional elective, and get a 4 at that to make it. digitech screwed up my chances and i can't blame the professor because i missed 2 meetings and a quiz because i had to travel for work. bummer i guess but sh*t happens. the price of traveling.

it would have been nice to graduate with a medal. let's see what else i can do to get that.

season finale

going back to the gym

after more than 4 months away from the gym (blame it on the US trips and laziness), i decided to go back to the gym yesterday. it took all of my willpower to convince myself i needed to go since part of me was already saying "tomorrow na lang." i'm starting with this "body for life" program after juan gave me the book during my last trip. it sounds simple enough with the exercises and the food but i soon found out that not being in the gym for a long time makes it harder to do the reps. i'm following the exercise routine for this program and its a good thing that they have the excel tables and all kinds of resources to plan out my routine. the food though needs more planning - i've switched to brown rice already though, even bought a small rice cooker for it. i've also started to trim down my meal portions - moving down to filipino rather than american servings. i am also recently addicted to yoghurt, plain or fruit-flavored. i gobble-up 2 servings daily - sarap e.

when i was doing the exercises at the gym, i forgot how some of the exercises work so improvised on some. by the time i was done, my arms felt like lead. and today, they really hurt bad - and i do mean bad. its a good thing cardio is every other day ... and just 20mins at that. tomorrow is lower body workout so my arms & upper body gets to rest. i realized that you have to mix weight training with cardio if you want to burn fat faster. cardio won't do it by itself. you have to do weights (light if you don't want to bulk up) to tone up. ah, this is really a challenge - a very hard one at that.

should i enroll?

i got the class offerings for next term and i'm still deciding whether i should enroll or not. i only have two subjects + the oral comprehensive exam (oce) before i graduate. i am 80% sure i'll probably enroll on my last supply chain subject so that when i graduate, i'd have a "major in supply chain" on my diploma. its the strategic management (strama) that's throwing me off right now. do i really have the time? i think i do. maybe i've gotten used to the comfort of taking things slow and not burdening myself too much with office & school work that makes it hard to make this decision. right now, i'd guess i'm the only one who's left in school - most of my friends have graduated or will be graduating already. that's not really a factor and i'm not rushing but i definitely want to get it over with.

submission of the course approval form is on saturday, may 12. i have 5 days to make a decision. why is it so hard to make this decision?

are you really that much better?

i had a sort of long catching up by phone with Amazing Aloha (AA) yesterday mainly just idle chitchat initially until we sort of veered into the recent conversations during a visiting friend's dinner. unfortunately, i was still in the US that time so i wasn't able to join the get together. the discussions talked about another friends recent controversial farewell letter and how they had stuff to say about it. personally, if i was just a curious bystander, i would have viewed the letter as immature and unprofessional and i, in my right mind, would probably send something like that to but a few good friends. but not one standing on the sidelines, i have to say that probably was just a means of getting back, of lashing out because when you feel you've been maligned, sometimes sanity escapes you and you do things, in this case write things, you probably meant but not meaning to share. we all have our opinions and our sentiments about what happened but i don't think its proper to talk about these things openly in public specially if there are dissenting parties.

i am beginning to realize that there's probably very few straight people (guys at that) that can really accept you when you're different. if you find out the truth, does it make that person a lesser human being just because he or she is different? its insulting that they make such a big fuss about another person's choices as if that determines what kind of person he or she is. hello? wake up! are you really that much better in life right now?

so for those of you who think you're better - you can laugh and make fun of me all you want - at the end of the day, i'm the one who's laughing at you. you just have to open your eyes, see where you are and where i am right now, and you'd know you've been punk'd.

fatness monster at the airport

here i am at the airport ... again. this time i'm going to take the arduous journey back home and i'm hoping that this trip won't have the same delays i've had the last two times i was here. the airport is seemingly quiet right now, not busy like most airports are. i see some eye candies and i can't help but get a second look. the past three weeks has been mostly a blur, what with all the traveling and sightseeing i did with bel and maricar. i'm not saying it wasn't fun, actually it was so much fun though it was tiring. it has been a bit of a struggle being here in arizona, workwise that is. and though i did manage to deliver some stuff, it still feels like i've slacked off. this is the problem with doing projects, there isn't enough critical deadlines to beat - you mostly sail through it. the only yardstick to which i will be measured are two things : (1) is whether i will be able to deliver the project; and (2) whether the customers will like it. while i do LOVE the freedom my job provides, i don't like to slack off but i've been doing it nonetheless because maybe working hard for the last eight years has taken its toll. hopefully, the changes in responsibility will help bring the fire again.

i'm officially a fatness monster. and while i haven't really checked the scales lately, i can see in the mirror how plump my cheeks have become. my tummy has started showing again so i don't look as fab as i was back in december. major bummer. when i get back to manila, its time to pay the price. i'm going to have to swear off rice for a while, try to get back into my weight training program and start taking my hydroxycut. ok, so maybe taking the hydroxycut isn't the greatest thing to do, but well i'm in need of some drastic measures.

me & the mall is such a bad, bad combination. there were only two items on my list yesterday but i ended up with 3 pairs of jeans and a cute long-sleeved shirt ... and instead of one, i bought mom two naturalizer shoes. i kind of felt guilty that i could splurge buying so many clothes, even $100 shoes and i can't spend as much for her. so ok, i'm not the poster boy right now for saving money and spending money wisely but i'm following this new adage "live fully." and that includes doing things that make you happy. hahaha

i can't wait to get back home. 1 1/2 hours to LA. 3 1/2 hours layover in LA. 12+ hours to HK. 2 hours layover in HK. 1 1/2 hours to Manila. oh yeah, is that fun or what.

note : i was going to post this while i was still at the phoenix skyharbor airport but for some reason i kept dropping off the wireless. that was probably 18-20 hours ago. right now, i am at the business lounge of cathay pacific where wireless is stable. just a 2-hour flight and i'll be home. yay.

a trip worth remembering

we went to vegas during the second week of our US trip with me behind the wheel of our rented kia sorento suv. the only thing keeping me awake was a can of "rockstar" energy drink, after too much partying the night before in scottsdale. the 6 hour drive breezed through quite fine with occasional restroom stops and some architectural sightseeing at hoover dam. lots of pictures snapped here and there. our day in vegas went by quickly after having a feast at the alladin buffet and some touring of bellagio and caesar's palace, we were beat from all of the walking. it was surprising to bump into the tensuan family with the strip being that long and with that many people but you know pinoys --- "we find each other. wherever." there were more pictures taken during our leisurely walk that night with bel & car exchanging ohh's & ahh's at how lovely the strip seemed with all the lights and sounds. vegas is a truly a sight to behold, it lives up to its reputation as sin city and the city that never sleeps. i wish though next time i'm here, that there'd be less hotel viewing and more partying.

after vegas week, the days seemed pretty much to breeze through with the face-to-face (what we really came for) coming full-blown beginning wednesday and lasting through half of friday. we did go through another round of teambuilding & org stuff with new leadership and all. like all these face-to-face that deals with this kind of stuff, we were pretty much bored during the 2nd day that the after-office get together (dinner & hanging out) was a welcome change. we went to "rawhide" which is a western-themed amusement town with shows, carriage & train rides and animals and an old-fashioned restaurant where we had our dinner. we were treated to some western "delicacies" which did not freak me out at the very least - first taste of rattlesnake (eww!) and rocky mountain oysters (which turned out to be not seafood at all but bull testicles, double eww!) - believe me, they weren't that bad at all. we watched some shows and hanged out a little, even trying out the carriage ride (hmmm we wondered if it was that bumpy in the olden days). it was fun to be outside of work with people you work with all the time.

at the end of the face-to-face week, bel & i left phoenix to go to california. it was a 5 hour drive that wasn't as bad as it seemed and we managed to reach ron & rudy's house around 10pm or so. the house was awesome - it was big & spacious and well decorated. r&r also had 2 bmw's and an accura suv, ugh!

rudy brough bel & i to disney around 9am the following day. we got in for free since rudy was an employee of disney. i'd have to say, disney was fantastic - i really felt like a kid again. i'm right now excited to bring my nephew to hk disneyland this august for his 4th birthday. we were able to enjoy star tours, bobsleds, space mountain, pirates of the carribbean @ disneyland and soarin' high and the big rollercoaster at california adventure. and to top it off, disney had twice the eye candy than vegas that time. we managed to buy some souvenirs @ 35% discount so we were quite happy that day. we spent sunday visiting carlo & mark at orange county. i have to say OC is so much different it leaves me speechless. we had lunch there where afterwards we went ahead and looked at the new houses/condo's (Vantis by Shea Homes) which totally blew me away. the model houses were awesome that we spent the better part of the afternoon just moving from one model house to another trying to figure out which we liked best. right there, i wish i lived in the US and could afford such a great place. truly, an american dream i wish i shared.

pictures here are posted in my multiply account. check it out at the following :
www.yuan1025.multiply.com

she's back

one of my more favorite artists is back with a new album ... american doll posse. i'm already playing the tracks from her latest album non-stop. so far my favorite tracks are digital ghost and secret spell. such a wonderful treat from a truly awesome & unique artist.

grand canyon - redux! 0408'07

holy week

i never make plans during the holy week. for me, it is a time to pay respect and remember what the Lord sacrificed for all of us. yes, i grew up catholic - and while i may not be as "religious" as i should be today, there are practices & teachings i have strong belief in. no beach, no parties, no drinking during this time for me.

jack of all trades

jetlag is a bummer.

while i slept only for an hour when i got to phoenix and drove short of 500 miles (back & forth) the grand canyon with bel & car, i was awake by 2am. where's the sandman when you need him?

i was mulling the previous days on whether i should consider buying a digital slr. it wasn't really because elmer & jona both have one already but it was a logical technological evolution from a point & shoot digital camera. i was holding back on buying one mainly because there wasn't really time to pursue photography, even as a hobby at this time. i still haven't finished graduate school (1 more subject technically but i want to major, so 2 more subjects) and i haven't even decided yet when i am going to go back. and i was already planning on taking up short culinary courses - again, not because i want to become a chef but because i enjoy cooking - period. while i was looking at some pictures the past hour though, i realized that i enjoy taking pictures of people and moments more than say landscapes, or objects, or anything artistic. i guess being technically-oriented for a long time has robbed me quite a bit of artistic talent or probably the desire to see things in a different perspective. i like the practical shots. the simple moments without so much fuss which is why i like p&s cameras a lot. i just need to capture the "memory" of the moment without the need for grandeur ... having a dslr feels like there's this pressure to turn out beautiful, artistic, wow-photos all the time. i don't think i want that.

thinking about the dslr thing made me think about what i was good at - and i couldn't think of anything i was really "great" at. sure, i was smart in school, could play volleyball, write decently, lead/manage, have some artistic talent but i was never exemplary. i think i get bored easily that i tend not to stick to doing something long enough to "master" it - maybe being an industrial engineer, or a jack-of-all-trades was fate. or maybe the reality is i have a.d.d. i really don't know but hopefully i find something that i love doing (and make a career doing it). sigh, suddenly feel like i'm not good at anything na tuloy. damn it. mumble. mumble.

ay, i realized i'm kind of good at driving ... uhmm, so delivery? hahaha
hmmm ... i type really fast too ... uhmm, so taga-type ng thesis?
double bummer!

eagle point layouts

i threw in some pictures from our eagle point resort getaway into a picture book. here are some of the pages of that book.

tax season

i finally managed to file my income tax return today 11 days ahead of the deadline. i was supposed to file it yesterday that's why i went to the makati office but i couldn't get through UBS by phone to reset my password. i couldn't remember if i sold stock options in 2006 but i finally managed to access my account today. luckily, there weren't any stock options sold in 2006 so the only additional income i had were the proceeds from the quicksale i elected for the stocks i purchased in 2006. i wish there was some way that i didn't have to pay so much on taxes. i feel bad everytime i have to surrender my hard-earned cash for taxes knowing most of it will likely go into some corrupt politician's pocket. i probably am stereotyping and that the government might really be using it to do some good ---- not! sorry for being jaded, i guess not really seeing where my taxes go leaves a bad taste in my mouth everytime i see how much they are getting.

i hate april 15.

summer fun @ eagle point (0331-0401)

it was one of those times when we just thought two weeks back that we should enjoy the summer and relax at some beach. we weren't really sure if it was going to push through having been told by those resorts we were eyeing for that they were fully booked march 31 & april 1. we were lucky though when allan said that he managed to get reservations at eagle point resort somewhere in batangas. we excitedly checked out the website and thought it was a place good enough to spend the weekend and relax.

everyone pretty much were giddy the whole week eagerly counting work days before the weekend hits. i myself was bouyed by idea of spending the weekend with great friends at the beach no less. there were a lot of e-mail exchanges talking about what we should wear, what we should bring, what time we should meet, even the motifs for the pictorials. we were already having fun just thinking about the coming weekend.

i was up around 2am and realized that a bunch of us pretty much were either still up (from partying or whatever) or woke up excitedly ahead of schedule. call time was between 430-500am since we wanted to get a headstart of the day with eagle point being about 3 hours away. pretty much everyone made it at 5am - its like a record and everyone managed to avoid some serious tonguelashing & slapping - bummer! breakfast was at mcdonald's along petron south super hi-way where we noticed a large number of people that early - seems, everyone have plans of spending summer in some beach or resort. the ride was pretty much uneventful - we talked, bitched about r (not trixy's "r"), laughed uncontrollably in between thousand calorie krispy kremes and some water. surprisingly we didn't miss any turns and the map was pretty helpful during the trip.

when we got at the drop off point, we were trying to figure out how to slip in both our alcoholic & non-alcoholic beverages since we kind of brought a lot (of the latter) to avoid any of the steep corkage fees. we crammed them in every nook & corner of our bags and allan later on realized that putting too much weight on his kenneth cole bag proves to be disastrous. since we were quite early, we couldn't check-in yet and decided to go straight to sepoc island via boat. sepoc island was quite nice - the water was clean, the sand was great and there weren't really a lot of people to crowd the beach area. we rented a cottage so we had a place to stow our bags and shhhh, take our snucked-in beverages without worrying about paying the corkage fees. there were hammocks and kayaks and life vests and beach volleyball - there was a lot of things we could do but we opted to wading in the cool waters, taking our pictures, taking more pictures, and more pictures and doing some kayaking on the side. kayaking is quite fun and i didn't mind being under the sun that long. we put so much sunblock i guess that we were pretty confident we weren't going to burn under the hot sun. it wasn't surprising that towards the end of the day (and after a bottle of sangria - yum!), we all (except acs) looked sunkissed.

the dinner was filling when we got back and the pictures during the sunset was quite nice. we spent the better portion of the night just chillin' on our veranda with a glass of cabernet or mudslide on one hand and the other digging for chips & some salsa. there wasn't really a need for any more bonding session since we (jaa, tv, ac & acs) pretty much have built a lasting friendship already. we decided to call it a day early that night, each of us being tired from the day and from the previous night. it wasn't hard to get some sleep with the aircon being full-blast and being weary from the day pretty much knocked everyone out.

morning. breakfast was fantastic. yummy food makes me weak so i ate more than i should - oh well! we slept a bit right after breakfast before we went swimming with the fish & baby sharks and then later on went to the kiddie pool and played model while the camera snapped some "for our eyes only" pictures. ok ok, nothing requiring parental guidance. we quite dreaded the time when we all had to get out of the pool and dress up for home. it meant the weekend's over and our uber fun time at the beach was coming to a close. we stopped by red ribbon for lunch where surprisingly, acs told us some funny stories about the time when jps met with her 'rents.

the weekend was quite tiring but fun. it wasn't as expensive as a trip to boracay but being able to getaway from the busy city life with great friends is priceless. we're already planning our next trip - club paradise in palawan - and though it probably is months away (around aug or octoberish), i am already excited with just the thought of it.

but first, there's still a flight to arizona i need to catch this coming saturday. grand canyon. vegas. disney. its going to be fun.

click the link to view the pictures via multiply : summer fun